electile dysfunction and the post-election blues

as i alluded the other day, my most recent hiatus from blogging was the product of several factors, among which must be included the presidential election, and its run-up and aftermath. i’m not gonna lie, i’ve been a wreck.

i should probably back up.

you may recall that, over the summer, i had pledged my vote to Mel Gibson. obviously, it’s not that i thought he had a chance of winning, but simply that i liked his style and his beliefs. well, i liked them more than those of the other “viable” candidates anyway.

“Voting for me is, surprisingly, a highly rational decision, in light of the alternatives.”

although there was a brief flirtation with Mitt Romney, based largely on his Mormon brand of sedevacantism, i just couldn’t bring myself to vote for him. but then, i saw that Mark Shea wasn’t going to vote for Romney either, so i knew i needed to change my mind again, since it felt too weird to me to agree with Shea in anything.

i was really torn. on the one hand, i didn’t want to just spill my vote upon the ground and, um, wash my hands of electoral responsibility, since surely any vote that wasn’t for Romney was a vote for Obama (who i can’t stand). but on the other hand, i thought that maybe Obama wouldn’t be so bad after all. i mean, in light of his attitude of antagonism toward the novus ordo shamchurch, and his explicit support of sharia law, i thought a second term might just be enough to spark a full-scale muslim takeover, which would of course both unmask all the fake “catholics” and ensure that women everywhere would never wear anything immodest again. win-win.

the perfect gift for all the soon-to-be-persecuted catholics on your christmas gift list, yes?

i still didn’t know who exactly to vote for, though. it wasn’t going to be Romney or Obama. or Gibson or anyone else i had previously considered. i thought about writing in Murphy’s name, but the fact is that i don’t particularly agree with his foreign policy.

i was stumped. stymied. at an utter loss.

and then, an epiphany! a came across a fantastic blog post by a fellow by the name of “Zippy Catholic,” whose main point seemed to be that any vote for any candidate is an act of idolatry. voting isn’t a mere show of support, it’s an act of latria–a “pinch of incense” he called it!!

it all made so much sense, and i felt so free.

why couldn’t i find a candidate to vote for, when everyone else around was getting excited, or least finding the willingness to hold their noses for, this guy or that? i hadn’t realized it before, but it was because i have kept the true faith while everyone else had fallen away!!! my sense of self-righteousness had perhaps never been so strong. i was on top of the world, looking down my nose at all the reprobate around me.

it was not to last, however.

the morning after the election, after i had smugly refused to vote, i happened to see a picture of good ol’ Mitt, looking sad and broken-hearted, and i suddenly realized what i had done. Iowa, my home state, had gone blue, and i couldn’t help but think that if i had just been willing to do a little more, perhaps things would have turned out differently, and maybe, just maybe, we could’ve turned this country around.

is there any way you could say no to this man?

“You didn’t think robots could cry, did you? Well, I had a firmware update, and now I can.”

i racked my brain for the next two weeks or so, trying to think of what i could have done to alter this outcome. i mean, i know i’m only one man, but surely i could’ve made an impact and changed some minds. maybe if i had picked more fights on the facebook, or been more political in my blog postings, or put bumper stickers on my car.

now that i’m a bit more removed from things, i figure it probably wasn’t that big of a deal that i didn’t vote. nor would it have been that big a deal if i had voted, regardless of what Skippy Catholic says.

i do wish that i had picked more fights on the facebook. one never regrets those.

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10 Responses to “electile dysfunction and the post-election blues”

  1. Just to make sure we are worshipping the right pagan gods: even when one votes for Rombos (or Obamos) as the particular choice, the pinch of incense is offered primarily to Demos.

    • there is no such thing as responsible voting.

      the democratic process is idolatry.

      casting lots is the only way to fill an office.

      for reals, yo.

      • Impressive reading comprehension.

      • skippy, it’s good to see that you are without a sense of humor. you’re someone after my own laughter-free heart.

        real catholics don’t laugh.

      • Odd of you to publish comments, delete them, and then post something different.

        I am laughing, though, just so you know. Satire is funny in one way when the satirist has understood what he satires; and in a different way when he doesn’t understand it.

      • your vicious ad hominems have no place here, sir.

        seriously, i’m beginning to worry about you, skippy.

      • Troll, I think that Zippy is trying to explain that *his* equation of voting and idolatry was satire, and that you’ve missed that point. That’s what he meant by the different kinds of funny satire.

  2. PaisleyJean Says:

    Mitt Romney would have turned around the country for sure. He was our only hope. Your arrogant failure to vote has doomed us all.

  3. Somebody told me a story once about a chairman named Mao in China. A newspaperman said to him, “You call this the Democratic People’s Republic of China, but when did you have your last election?”

    And then Mr. Mao said, “Light before bleakfast.”

    They told me that this story was supposed to be funny but I’m sure it’s not because Mr. Mao couldn’t even spell breakfast right! Plus instead of answering the question, he never just said some Eastern saying about how there is light before breakfast. Eastern people speak in mysterious proverbs.

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