time to admit it: i need help

the other day i was on catholic answers forums, trying to muster up the will to provoke a bunch of pseduo-catholics into a dispute over the vile and degrading practice of nfp, when i noticed that an old post of mine had finally gotten a response, and a good one at that.

this response was actually so good that i didn’t know what to say in reply. it was from a young, married mother of two, and she had so completely dismantled my false-flag lambasting of real Catholic nfp critics that i was, literally, speechless. she even linked to his holiness, pope michael i.

i thought to myself, “sweet cardinal siri, this lady is the real deal!” but when i clicked on her profile i realized i was looking at a ghost account that *i* had created months ago, as part of a separate project to “raise concern” over the orthodoxy, and sexuality, of a certain apologist whose name rhymes with “schmim schmaples.”

i sat there with mouth agape, aghast that i had fallen prey to the intricate interweb of trolling deceit woven by myself. i truly was, and am, a formidable opponent.

the fact is that i’m probably in too deep. i’ve been trolling for so long, hiding behind so many fake personae, using so many different proxy servers, and ghosting so many legitimate commenters’ ip addresses, that sometimes i can’t remember what my own positions are, or even who i am. Murphy says this kind of talk just doesn’t sound like me, and maybe he’s right, but how can i know for sure?

they say that the first step toward recovery is admitting you a have a problem.

well then, non-exhaustively and in no particular order: My name is…

  1. Troll II
  2. Mark Shea’s Boyfriend     
  3. Mantilla Vs. Mothra    
  4. ModestyPolice
  5. FatiMom
  6. Christopher West’s Love Child
  7. FoxxyOrthodoxxy   
  8. TheBlackSheepDogAteMyHomework
  9. ChristendomAlum97
  10. DontQuitYourOpusDayJob
  11. Simcha’s Trousers    
  12. Ora Pro Voris
  13. Scott Hahn’s Colon    
  14. The Wandererer
  15. NFP-ness
  16. FrGrunerFanBoy
  17. Colleen Hammond’s Underoos   
  18. Ha!MedjuLook
  19. SaintStrongBad
  20. SungenisGroupie4Life   
  21. Justine Schmiesing
  22. Pro Paucis
  23. AntiDentite08
  24. FSSPFratBoy81
  25. EMichaelJonesforPresident 
  26. Fr. Fessio’s Eyebrows
  27. FrZisMyHomeboy 
  28. FlamingCharismatic04
  29. SedeVacantisaurusRex
  30. PhatimaChick99
  31. Mel Gibson Was Right
  32. Matthew Kelly   
  33. DimondBrosBeforeHoes
  34. EWTNSoldMyMomsWheelchair
  35. WeigelNeoConJob
  36. VortexSwordofTruth11 

… and i’m a trollaholic.

don’t get me wrong, i’m not apologizing. i’m simply asking that you REAL Catholics out there pray for me that i would know what to do.


7 Responses to “time to admit it: i need help”

  1. Don’t you ever, ever, ever mention my name in a blog post again, or I’ll bring the full force of the Steubenville stay-at-home mommy social networking mafia down on your fuzzy head. We’ll stage a virtual nurse-in in your combox and then set fire to the place with laser beams of righteousness that God has granted us the power to shoot out of our eyes and into the internets because we are his chosen people and FUS is the new Jerusalem. Got it, freak?

    • the hate is swelling in you now; give in to your anger. with each passing moment you make yourself more a REAL catholic. it is unavoidable. it is your destiny.

  2. Laser beams out of your eyes? Real Catholic Nursing Mothers have laser boobs.

  3. whoa whoa whoa, there’s a lot of body parts talk going on here. let’s try to keep things clean.

    new rule of thumb: if a habit (w/wimple) covers it, real catholics probably shouldn’t be talking about it.

  4. justine Says:

    Dear Jerk,

    ZAP!!! ZAP!!!

  5. You know, I’m just having a lot of trouble sleeping tonight. It might be the artificial light coming from the computer tricking my mind into thinking it’s still day.

    I just keep coming back to your blog and reading and rereading everything. I was looking at this list and although I know you’re trying to be funny I am concerned because there are the names of many good catholics on your list. I recognized many of them, except for Colleen Hammond, and I am just concerned that you are making fun of them. Many of them do really great things for the Church. I looked up Colleen Hammond and she says some really nice things about modesty. Many of the others are people I have seen writing in the National Catholic Reporter. And some of them have written really good things about Theology of the Body.

    I think you’re just trying ot be silly, but I think you really should be more respectful of these people. It’s really good to laugh and take things lightly – you should hear some of the jokes I make about sex sometimes! – but I’m just worried that you are mocking some really good people.

    • yeah some of these people are legit. most are not. definitely not anyone who writes for ncr or does stuff on tob.

      but don’t worry, i would never make fun. laughing and making others laugh is something real catholics just don’t do.

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