fake “catholic” mombies
to my profound shame and embarrassment, i have found myself in recent weeks skulking about the darkest corners of the internets in the desperate hope that i might find something, anything to restore my joie d’pêcher à la traîne. for a few days there, i thought i had found what i was looking for in the absolute abyss of meaninglessness that is the world of fake “catholic” mommy blogging.
i mean, there was just so much there to criticize: banal posts about children’s sleep, eating, and bowel movements; awkward pictures of people no one else cares about; callous disregard for the basic rudiments of english grammar, spelling, and syntax; sinfully vain obsessing over women’s fashion (fashion!); indecent discussions of UNnatural family planning; and an absolutely insane degree of praise for what is surely a horrible turd of a book, called “style, sex, and substance.”
as far as i can tell, every fake “catholic” woman in the english-speaking world loves this book so much that she has purchased two copies, just so she can give one to a friend and still have one left over for her superawesomeletsgossipanddrinkappletinis book group.
well, almost all of them. there’s apparently one woman that didn’t like it.
yup, just one.
everybody else in the entire world wants to marry the book.
this was just too much liberated womyn amchurch groupthink for me, and i immediately began to feel my heart rate double and then double again as pure, unadulterated self-righteousness pulsed through my entire body.
the old me was back! i was leaving horrible comments in comboxes left and right, ridiculing these ninnies for their inanity and vanity and utter inability to discern good reading (or writing for that matter), and yelling, YELLING i tell you, about how none of them were really catholic.
i sat and waited for the inevitable responses to start pouring in.
i was literally sweating with anticipation.
and then… nothing.
these women went right on with their silly comments about how sad this was, and how funny that was, and how cute this picture was, and how awesome that recipe was, and not a single one even noticed me.
at first i thought, “gadzooks, these women have willpower like none other!” i had never seen anything like it before.
and then it dawned on me. they weren’t choosing to ignore me, they were just too distracted and sleep-deprived to even process something that didn’t have a smiley face and seventeen exclamation points and pictures of smiling kids making messes.
they were zombies (zmombies? mombies?), and there was nothing. i. could. do.
i had never encountered anything like this before. in shock and utter disbelief, i quietly deleted my comments and backed away from the computer. i started pacing, and then frothing, and then raging. and with no outlet for my andger adrenaline, i ended up spending the rest of the night in the bathroom, vomiting and weeping uncontrollably.
i will never, ever go back.