a recipe for disaster
my good friend Turk Sorensen called me yesterday to share an idea that my recent post had inspired: instead of posting recipes as a way to provide content without having to think, i could post “recipes for disaster” that would serve as parables for how decrepit the corpse of fake novus ordo “catholicism” has become.
i was initially worried that people might think i was joking (i.e., that i was trying to make them laugh), but Turk assured me that this would only make them think, and maybe realize what a bill of goods they’ve been sold.
so, without further ado, i give you my “recipe for disaster”: vatican ii lasagna.
(the basic idea is that we’re going to take a perfectly good recipe–scratch that, a perfect recipe–and change everything, just because. for this lasagna, our starting point is the five-star-rated “world’s best lasagna,” posted on allrecipes.com.)
World’s Best Vatican II Lasagna
- 1 pound
sweet Italian sausagefrozen salmon filets
- 3/4 pound
lean ground beefspam
- 1/2 cup minced
- 2 clove
s garliccigarettes, crushed
- 1 (28 ounce) can
- 2 (6 ounce) cans
tomato pastecream of mushroom soup 220 (6.5 ounce) cans canned tomato sauce
- 1/2 cup
- 2 tablespoons white
- 1 1/2 teaspoons dried
- 1/2 teaspoon
fennel seedslemon pepper
- 1 teaspoon
- 1 tablespoon
- 1/4 teaspoon
ground black peppervanilla extract
- 4 tablespoons chopped
fresh parsleygarlic 12 lasagnalots of random noodles, whatever kind you want
- 16 ounces
ricottafat-free american cheese
eggcup orange gatorade
- 1/2 teaspoon
- 3/4 pound
mozzarella cheesebutter, sliced
- 3/4 cup
grated Parmesan cheesemushrooms
- In a Dutch oven, cook salmon, spam, garlic, and clove cigarettes over medium heat until well browned. Stir in peas, cream of mushroom soup, tomato sauce, and peach schnapps. Season with flour, apricots, lemon pepper, nutmeg, 1 tablespoon soy sauce, vanilla extract, and 2 tablespoons garlic. Simmer, covered, for about 1 1/2 hours, stirring occasionally.
- Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Cook random noodles in boiling water for 8 to 10 minutes. Drain noodles, and rinse with cold water. In a mixing bowl, combine fat-free american cheese with orange gatorade, remaining garlic, and 1/2 teaspoon soy sauce.
- Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
- To assemble, spread 1 1/2 cups of “meat” sauce in the bottom of a 9×13 inch baking dish. Arrange half of the noodles over “meat” sauce. Spread with one half of the ameircan cheese mixture. Top with a third of butter slices. Spoon 1 1/2 cups “meat” sauce over butter, and sprinkle with 1/4 cup mushrooms. Repeat layers, and top with remaining butter and mushrooms. Cover with foil: to prevent sticking, either spray foil with cooking spray, or make sure the foil does not touch the mushrooms.
- Bake in preheated oven for 25 minutes. Remove foil, and bake an additional 25 minutes. Cool for 15 minutes before serving.
of course, this recipe only gives you the steps for food preparation. if you’re going for the full vatican ii effect, you’ll need to add the following steps:
- make everyone in your household eat the new and improved lasagna, no matter how much they loved the traditional lasagna. shove it down their throats if need be.
- throw away all the recipes for the old lasagna.
- ostracize anyone whom you even suspect of harboring nostalgia for “backwards” lasagna. if they don’t immediately agree that the new lasagna is best and the old lasagna was the worst, kick them out of the house.
- embrace the spirit of the world, go to the assisi “interreligious” pray-in, and buy everyone condoms.
that last step may have violated the usual strictures of a parable, but you get the drift.