heresy! schism! exclamation points!!

silence be darned!

i’m still piecing together the details, but i feel that at this time i can now come forward and announce that the former pope michael i has indeed committed deeds of heresy, that he has thereby placed himself in formal schism with the real catholic church, and that he is hence cut off from its communion and from his see, and is hereafter to be known and called by his former name of “David Bawden.”

undated google images photo of David Bawden (pre-conclave)

it’s still not entirely clear who all is involved in this schism. all i know for sure is that, on the side of the true church, there stands Murphy and your faithful scribe; and on the side of frivolity and the not true church, there sits (and probably giggles) David Bawden and his mother, Tickie.

i haven’t yet had anyone else let me know whether they stand with Murphy and me, but we remain hopeful and faithful, as always! i’m quite sure no one else will be aligning themselves with the disgraced former roman pontiff (in exile), at least not after they learn that he has been moonlighting as a COMEDY actor since before he even took office!!!

Bawden on the day of his papal conclave (left), and as comedy personality “Mr. Bean” (right)

this last bombshell i have confirmed with no fewer than one former seminarian who studied under Bawden in the last decade. though he prefers to remain anonymous at this time, he has sent me several emails that include details of “Mr. Bean” scripts that he couldn’t possibly know about unless he had helped Bawden practice his lines and blocking, or else seen the movies.

shell-shocked doesn’t even begin to come close to capturing how Murphy and i are feeling at the moment. but we will press on, even if we are the only remaining faithful adherents of the true faith left on earth.

Murphy: solid in his faith, secure in my hands

to our legion of readers out there, if you or anyone you know is or would like to be among the faithful remnant of real catholics (current pop. 2?), please email me at realcatholicsdontlaugh [at] gmail [dot] com. if you happen to be near the des moines area, please accept an invitation to visit with us in our basement apartment, or at our reserved booth at the Denny’s on hickman. knowing latin would be a real plus, since it seems that my former friend and translator Turk Sorensen is still sore at me. also, i am especially interested in any ideas about how to maybe kick-start holy orders and apostolic succession again. (we could also watch “downton abbey,” which it turns out is AMAZING and not at all funny.)

ad infinitum et ultra!

5 Responses to “heresy! schism! exclamation points!!”

  1. […] due to some legal issues, i’ve been keeping rather mum on the whole “pope” michael / david bawden joking fiasco (see posts here, here, and here). […]

  2. That pre-conclave picture is from Bawden’s short-lived music career, including two singles, “All The Young Jews (Control the News)” and “Wherewolf Barmitzvah”.

  3. […] it appears that Jeff Miller, aka the curt jester, is currently celebrating 10 years of blogging, in honor of which he has created a veritable rogues’ gallery of his most awful posts [WARNING: site contains links to funny things that may result in laughter and apostasy]. […]

  4. […] days it seems like all the so-called “catholics” are either heathens, heretics, or apostates. or in a boy band. yup, that’s The Jerk on the far left, before he made his […]

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