mel gibson monday: ransom

i don’t know how much it’s shown, but Murphy and i have been in a rather dark place since the news last thursday that democracy had died yet again that our sweet freedom as americans had been stripped from us and sold for scrap. probably to the chinese. stupid supreme court.

given the current mood, he and i thought we’d keep things dark with this week’s Mel Gibson movie, which is the 1996 thriller “ransom,” co-starring Rene Russo, Gary Sinise, and Delroy Lindo.

the basic plot has Mel as a rich airline owner whose son is kidnapped for, you guessed it, ransom. anyway, Mel grows increasingly unstable and the twist is that he decides to turn the ransom money into a bounty on the kidnapper’s head (whoa!). there are more twists, and then twists to those twists, and finally even more twists, none of which i can really recall right now, but it doesn’t matter because the movie’s AMAZING. i mean, obviously it is, because it’s starring Mel Gibson, and it’s especially amazing because of how angry he gets.

“By the time I’m done with you, you’ll wish you’d never been born!”

i actually met Mel Gibson once, back when he was doing publicity for “the passion,” and he seemed like a guy who really had it all figured out. when i mentioned to him that i had just recently begun to learn the truth about what really happened at vatican ii and how the popes weren’t legit anymore he smiled so big at me i thought i might die. i mean, he was just beaming and nodding along, and i was like, “omigosh this is Mel Gibson! and we’re hating on amchurch together!! aaahhh!!!”

i immediately launched into several of my newest conspiracy theories relating to various interventions of Cardinal Ottaviani at the council, and how the jews had made the ussr throw the 1980 gold medal hockey game to halt the trade of oranges in northern afganistan, and how George Bush had confessed in morse-code blinks that he was the anti-christ during his 2002 state of the union address, and how the knights of columbus had secretly invented u-scan grocery check-out machines in order to help the social security administration…

and then i saw it. i had lost him. he had literally no idea what i was talking about.

yes, actually, he looked sort of like this.

that’s when he politely asked me to stop talking. and also never to see his movies again. and i said, “but i’m an internet troll, Mr. Gibson, sir, and i’m your biggest fan.” and then his security guard tased me. when i came to, i saw that Mel was gone and that someone had spilled some sort of warm beverage down my pant leg. very strange.

ok, that’s it for the personal anecdotes. for those of you still interested in the fantabulous “ransom,” here’s the trailer from the youtubes.


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