3.5 time-outs: confessions of an ex-lax catholic

as a certifiable REALcatholic, i pride myself on not being accommodating or lax with anything or anyone. (i wasn’t always so rigorous, of course, but that’s a story for another post.)

the fact is that i now have high standards, which pretty much no one ever meets, and i’m not afraid to condemn practices or people that i find unacceptable.

believe the novus ordo mass is legit? anathema sit!

think nfp and theology of the body are groovy? anathema sit!

like “charity” and “mercy” in your religion? anathema sit!

think altar girls are ok? anathema sit!

don’t think the u.s. of a. is the greatest country ever? anathema sit!

prefer to hang toilet paper “under” rather than “over”? anathema sit!

etc., etc., etc.

i’ll admit that i’m pretty strict when it comes to things that are important, i.e., things i have a strong opinion about.

the downside to this, at least in my experience, is that being so uptight makes certain, um, “movements of nature” a little more difficult to execute. also, it makes it so that you have hardly any friends.

while i have no solution to the latter problem, the former is one that is (typically) easily solved with the proper use of laxatives, of which the following are especially recommended.

1) metamucil – bulk-producing psyllium husk is my daily go-to for maintaining regularity. super gentle, but also really effective. i give it four stars.

2) phillip’s stool softener – this docusate-based laxative is a pretty handy plan-b for when back-ups occur. usually pretty gentle, but DO NOT overuse. i give it three and a half stars.

3) milk of magnesia – saline-based osmotic laxatives are not my favorite, but when time is of the essence, they really can’t be beat. two and a half stars is fair, i think.

3.5) apricots. i know, i know, it sounds like some sort of hippie-dippy, guitar-mass-loving, reiki-using organic black magic, but the fact is, certain kinds of foods really do help keep things moving. prunes fall into this category for sures. also, reading posts by amy welborn (go figure).

for more substantive (but less stimulating) time-outs, bang it here.

regular blogging will resume shortly.


9 Responses to “3.5 time-outs: confessions of an ex-lax catholic”

  1. Pilgrim Says:

    Troll, you are full of so many things, but what you are full of the most, except wisdom, is strength and courage. It is so brave of you to open up about very personal issues. I really mean that and I don’t mean “open up” in any joke way. Who can say how many right thinking constipated people’s lives will get unmeasurably better because you spoke up about laxative ranking?

  2. nateaddington Says:

    i…am….not….sure….what to think

  3. Catholic fundamentalists are always fun to banter with. Unless they’re not, in which case this comment is moot.

    • wait, what? i’m afraid coherence is normally something we require of our commenters, ma’am. better luck next time.

      • Hey… I’m not a ma’am!

        Just a little frinedly jab, my friend. I have many friends who share my devout Catholic faith, but tend to get a little “fundamnetalist” on certain issues wherein they consider themselves more doctrinally correct than, say, Pope John Paul II. They long for the Latin Mass, as if the novus ordo does not even house Jesus in the tabernacle.

        I do not share the traditionalist tendencies that my good friends often feel the need to impress upon me, such as how every song should be in chant and Latin and heads should be veiled. But we love each other and (in most cases) we can disagree without them (at least to my face) accusing them of being a heretic. But… in some cases it is no fun, for a few consider the matter closed based on their own infallible assessment, and engaging in the issue will only lead to a problematic end.

        But I appreciated your post. You admitted up front that you realize you have strong opinions and can get overzealous. And you seem to have a sense of humor about it nonetheless.

      • a problematic end for you, maybe. as for me, i’m quite comfortable with my own infallible assessments of things.

        and about my “sense of humor,” i had that removed along with my appendix when i was, like, 19.

        real catholics don’t laugh.

  4. […] relaxation exercises. Murphy’s given me a hard time for a while now about my, um, issues with regularity, and now he’s feeling sufficiently “empowered” to talk my ear off about the […]

  5. […] i actually lost control of my bowels. (hmm, perhaps i should keep a dvd handy for when things get really backed up…) they didn’t even have british accents, for clem’s […]

  6. […] (as you may recall, my being right and self-righteously angry all the time has led to more or less permanent constipation, which i have yet to fully overcome. yes, it turns out correctness, orthodoxy, and rage aren’t the only things i’m full of after all. such is life as true ex-lax catholic.) […]

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