a church militant of one

these days it seems like all the so-called “catholics” are either heathens, heretics, or apostates. or in a boy band.

yup, that’s The Jerk on the far left, before he made his bones making fun of fat chicks on the interwebs. very classy.

like i mentioned last week, it gets sometimes that i don’t even know if i can accurately use the plural when i talk about real catholics.

how i feel–it’s like a Joe Biden rally up in here, or a miami dolphins game

now don’t get me wrong, i know that i’m not the only real catholic there is, because all the unsmiling members of the church triumphant and suffering are totes my peeps. i am saying, however, that when it comes to the church militant, i’ve come to believe i’m an army of one.

you know, like the military tv ad from a few years back.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTnwORzObu0]

i’d like to think that when i’m scaling figurative mountains and figuratively sniping literal enemies and literally drinking the sweat from my own socks, i’m actually just the advance man for an awesome real catholic special forces unit. this is why i trolled in the past, and it’s why i blog now. because i want followers, tens of thousands of followers.

AP file photo of how i like to imagine myself, leading a massive army of chinamen, er, real catholics

the problem with this scenario, of course, is that a church militant of any real size requires obedience, which has never been something i’ve prized, not even from folks who would be following me.

also, it turns out that my preferred domain name, churchmilitant.tv, is already in use by the same toupee that wears Michael Voris.

hi there, you might remember me from such films as “no country for old men,” or “justin bieber: never say never,” or that time i died by the side of the road

though i had previously been quite high on Voris, i soured when i heard about his underground music video supporting rabbi David Goldberg, who is facing charges for violating germany’s new ban on circumcision. i’m not sure which is worse: that Voris seems to be abandoning his incipient anti-semitism, or that his video, a parody of Cyndi Lauper entitled “mohels just wanna have fun,” was clearly aimed at eliciting laughter. either way, color me disappointed.

i guess i’m stuck with no one but myself, a church militant of one.

oh right, and Murphy too.

“Your wheel! At fifteen m-p-h I roll out! I double back, grab one of ’em and beat it out of him! The uzi!”

yup, i am my own force.


2 Responses to “a church militant of one”

  1. This is a video presentation below here that will show you the way to lead the real Catholics. You won’t have too much discouragement when you take heart from this. They don’t call it the church “militant” for anything!

  2. […] makes me so special? well, aside from the fact that i’m quite possibly the only real catholic left on earth (and hence should be followed and supported unquestioningly), my blog is very informative and […]

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