Archive for the fake “catholics” Category

is Taylor Marshall an anti-semite?

Posted in anti-semitism, fake "catholics" with tags , , , , on June 7, 2013 by troll ii

self-proclaimed theological wonderkind Ron “Burgundy” Conte certainly seems to think so:

I read a disturbing post the other day, over at Taylor Marshall’s blog…. This interpretation condemns a whole group of Jews and the Jewish faith itself…. Aside from the offensive anti-Semitism in Marshall’s interpretation, there are other serious problems.

whoa, serious claims. and from a guy who has a BA from Boston College and a mandatum from, um, Ron Conte (link).

“I’m Ron Conte?”

in reality, Taylor isn’t even close to flirting with anti-semitism.

which is too bad, if you ask me.

i hope to jot down more of my thoughts on this topic soon, but suffice it to say that i think that so-called “anti-semitism” gets a bad rap most of the time, and that not nearly enough (fake) catholics are anti-semitic enough.

i know, i know, traddie circles are supposed to be hotbeds of anti-semitism (i just came across the recent dust-up involving Dawn Eden, Rorate, et al., in my reader earlier today; more on that anon). but the sad fact is that the vast majority of people who are claim to be REAL, traditional catholics don’t take the responsibility of anti-semitism seriously at all.

there are a few folks out there who speak the truth (shout-out to my man Mel!), yet by and large even hard-core traddies are embarrassed by anti-semitism, and even repulsed by it. i know Murphy always was.

“I’m only one man. Also, no one takes me seriously.”

when you get down to it, all too often the “worst” you often encounter is a simple allergy to post vatican ii syncretism, expressed in pre-conciliar terms that especially highlight the disparity between catholics and non-catholics, which includes but isn’t limited to the jews.

and that just isn’t good enough.

“I’m Bob Sungenis. Tits McGee is on vacation.”

pope benedict, baby-eater

Posted in fake "catholics" with tags , , on February 27, 2013 by troll ii

perhaps he’s slipping because of old age, or maybe it’s just that he doesn’t give a crap anymore, but on his last full day as the obviously unlawful occupier of the chair of Peter, “Pope” Benedict XVI has revealed to the world what had previously been his shameful and abhorrent secret: he eats live babies.

it started out innocently enough…

and then the unthinkable happened…

well, unthinkable to you maybe. i’ve always said that novus ordo types can’t be trusted to not eat their young.

full horrific story here.

combox inquisitors

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", real catholic with tags , , , , , , on January 24, 2013 by troll ii

new commenters on this blog often express confusion and even horror that i’m not in absolute lockstep with “Pope” Benedict XVI on everything he happens to say, write, think, or (*shudder*) tweet.

“aren’t you supposed to be a catholic?” they say, “so how can you know better than the pope?” and i tell them, “i just do, i know better than anyone about everything.” then i block them.

what can i say? i’m a certifiable REALcatholic™, which means that i hold fast to the truth of the faith as i interpret it, even though everyone else around me may be going bananas, up to and including the pope.

“It really is too bad that my possession of the keys of Peter is contingent upon the approval of bloggers who live in their sister’s basement.”

honestly, it bugs me so much when these ignorant and supposedly level-headed “obedient”-types mouth off about how you can’t really be a catholic unless you follow the pope on absolutely everything. “well not everything everything,” they clarify, “but absolutely in all matters pertaining to faith and morals, and in church discipline.”

oh, ok. and what about when i deem that the pope is a heretic and that Peter’s chair is empty  and that i’m the only REALcatholic™ left? “you can’t do that,” they say, “because then you would no longer be catholic.”

“I have a dream?”

well, what if i did accept the pope as legitimate (don’t worry, i don’t really) but i rejected his decisions about the liturgy because i deem the novus ordo to be an abomination? “you can’t do that either,” they say, “though of course you can avail yourself of the extraordinary form, if you’d prefer.”

all right, all right. let’s just say for the sake of argument that i not only accepted the pope as legitimate and i accepted the new mass as well, but that i decided that the church’s teaching on the morality of homosexuality and gay marriage weren’t for me? “no, as a catholic you can’t do that either,” they say, “but i’m sure that they’ll still let you blog at the catholic channel at Patheos, as long as you attract enough traffic.”

oh snap!

ugh, combox inquisitors. always trying to sniff out “explicit dissent from the pope and magisterium” and knee-jerkingly demonize it.

as if the pope and magisterium were actually infallible in matters of faith and morals!

i didn’t expect this kind of inquisition

i ♥ Karl Keating

Posted in fake "catholics", laughter, real catholic with tags , , , , , on January 3, 2013 by troll ii

“Hi, you may remember me as the dad from ‘Harry and the Hendersons.'”

i know that he and i have had our disagreements in the past, but i need to give a shout-out to my main man Karl Keating, travel and relaxation aficionado and president of (fake) “Catholic” Answers.

why these mad props, you ask?

well not only did he admirably come to the defense of living saint and future doctor of the church Michael Voris, but he did it by showing that he has absolutely no sense of humor at all. truly a man after my own heart.

from his comment over at *shudder* Mark Shea’s blog:

The reviewer starts by referring to “the Michael Voris Love Boat.” That migth be acceptable if Voris were sponsoring a cruise for singles looking for spouses, but that isn’t at all what his video or ad say. A cheap shot.

The reviewer says that Voris “is going to charge the suckers who watch him thousands of dollars for a ‘retreat’ at sea. During Lent. That’s right. Thousand[s] of dollars spent to go on a spiritual retreat on a cruise ship with casinos and all night buffets.”

First of all, using “suckers” is another cheap shot.

Second, the fee isn’t “thousands of dollars” but just over one thousand dollars. (Can’t you read the man’s ad?)

Third, nearly all Catholic cruises, no matter what time of year, are held on big ships that have casinos. Big ships mean lower costs per person, and big ships universally have casinos. (On Catholic Answers cruises we just ignore the casinos and go about our own business.)

Fourth, “all night buffets”? I checked the description of this cruise at the Princess Cruises website and couldn’t find any reference to all-night buffets. Catholic Answers has used several cruise lines over the years (but not Princess), and none of them had an all-night buffet.

Granted, Lent doesn’t seem the best time of year to set a cruise (maybe Voris chose March because the rates are low then), but–unlike something claimed in the comments above–his group won’t be partying on the ship on Good Friday–because Good Friday is on March 29, and his cruise ends 12 days earlier! Still another cheap shot.

I don’t object to criticizing Voris when criticism is due (which is often enough, I’m afraid), but let’s play fair, shall we? Don’t make things up, and don’t exaggerate. Cheap shots (which are mainly plain old falsehoods) don’t bring any credit to their authors.

from what i can tell, Keating is responding here to an over-the-top “humor” piece poking fun at the Voris cruise, which was posted on the deplorably funny Simcha Fisher’s blog. (she’s Jewish, you know.) and not only did he do a good thing, and do it in a good way, but by calling attention to this blasphemy, Keating passive-aggressivley helped to stoke the ire of Voris-lovers the world over, resulting in a deluge of demands to the “National Catholic Register” (Fisher’s employer) to have her either killed or deported.

“Surely, I’m in no way responsible for the violent tribal responses of my faithful youtube followers.”

at the end of the day, i’m just glad that Keating had the integrity to speak truth to power, no matter the cost.

(speaking of cost, for $1,567 to $11,012 per person, you can still book a room on an upcoming Catholic Answers Cruise at, wait for it, catholicanswerscruise.com.)

turns out it’s ok to laugh…

Posted in fake "catholics", laughter, real catholic with tags , , on December 11, 2012 by troll ii

…so long as you’re laughing about people going to hell.

“Bwahaha! Smithers, I’ll take my reprobate extra crispy.”

yup, that’s why i’m giving “fr.” z a pass on the otherwise disconcerting glee shown while reporting St. Leonard of Port Maurice’s rather dire prediction that “only a few will be saved.”

it’s true, you know, and honestly i’m not even as optimistic as he, since i’m pretty sure that almost everyone will end up in the fryer.

i mention all this because of the recent “controversy” among novus ordo types, on the question of hell and who goes there, which is almost laughable in and of itself.

“So much confusion, what a gas!”

at least prior to vatican ii, the catholic church had always taught, albeit with a measure of profound sadness, both that hell exists and that people freely go there for eternity. there *was* a problem with this, of course, but it wasn’t to be found in the affirmation of hell’s existence. no, the problem was with the church’s *sadness* in proclaiming this truth.

for me, the existence and bursting-at-the-seams fullness of hell forms the very foundation and cornerstone of what i tell people about the faith.

“excuse me sir, but can i share with you the good news of why you’re almost certainly going to spend eternity in the pains of hell?”

as far as i can tell, most of the people involved in this internecine fake “catholic” debate about hell are actually in agreement:

  • they all recognize that full-on “universalism” is a condemned heresy;
  • they affirm the existence of hell and the fact that there are a number of people whose rejection of God has led them there for eternity;
  • they refuse to despair that any particular person is lost, so they make heroic effort to evangelize the living and intercede for the departed;
  • most of them even realize that the whole discussion–of reprobation, election, predestination, divine justice and mercy, etc.–concerns things mysterious and inscrutable, and that undue curiosity about such matters needs to be avoided.

in fact, the only thing they really disagree on is how much emphasis one should place on hell when sharing the gospel.

“It sounds to me like this is just an argument about strategery.”

i know, pathetic.

it’s like they think that pro multis really means “for many.”

as for me, i’ll stick to my talking points of hell, modernism, and the jews, thank you very much.

interview with “bad catholic”

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2012 by troll ii

“I told him, ‘Listen, I read “Home Sweet Rome,” what more proof could you need that I’m a Catholic?'”

no, not him. this one:

“You might remember me from ‘Harry Potter.'”

remember way back when, when i was trying to interview/profile Mark Shea for Brandon Vogt’s “support a [fake] catholic speaker” month, and he wouldn’t let me, and i went on strike, and no one knew because i didn’t actually tell anyone i was going on strike until after the fact?

well then, it turns out that Brandon decided to give the assignment to none other than Mark’s fellow Patheos blogger Marc Barnes, a.k.a. “Bad Catholic,” formerly known as “Baby G.K.,” and before that, “Fetus et Ratio.”

i was curious to learn more about this “Bad Catholic,” so i contacted him. and despite his insanely busy schedule, Marc graciously accepted my request for me to interview him (provided that it was ok with his parents, which it was). our exchange follows after the jump.

Continue reading

this just in: Mark Shea’s readership “racists, idiots, probably not catholic”

Posted in fake "catholics" with tags , , on November 12, 2012 by troll ii

“WFT you say?” asks the dyslexic toddler

no, seriously, Mark Shea says so himself.

in other news: water still wet.

joke alert: eye of the tiber

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", laughter with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2012 by troll ii

uh oh, there’s a new kid in town.

it looks like with the curt jester’s apparent retirement from actually being funny, and with most of the jokesters at the “national catholic reporter” out with hip replacement surgery the past few weeks, there was an opening in the dangerous modernist humor blog department.

suffice it to say, with the arrival of onion-y upstart “eye of the tiber,” the position has been filled.

what’s there to be worried about? well i’ll tell you.

first, the name, “eye of the tiber,” it’s like a bad pun from a Scott Hahn book. it screams  irreverence of the novus ordo sort, it’s in bad taste, and it makes no sense. the name is no doubt taken from the 1986 movie “eye of the tiger,” starring the always amazing Gary Busey, but frankly i don’t see how they are connected. whatever.

second, the site LIES all the time, and not even for reason good enough to get defended by First Things, but simply for the sake of humorosity! recent headlines, which i feel rather confident are false, include:

  • “Pope decries ‘bad fish’ in church, or maybe that Applebee’s shrimp cocktail”
  • “Nashville Catholics excited, confused over ‘Year of Faith Hill'”
  • “Opus Dei to make movie about founder that actually makes sense”
  • “Vatican acknowledges magisterial authority claimed by Catholic blogger”
  • “USCCB to create committee to determine purpose of USCCB committees”
  • “New, straight pastor doesn’t dress as snappily, parishioners say”
  • “SSPX sect not anti-semitic, claims best friend is Jewish”
  • “‘Eye of the Tiber’ leaves readers laughing, wishing they had thought of that”

third, based on the comments and the “likes” on facebook, people find the site to be genuinely funny, and i’m worried that it might lead a lot of people astray.

“What a site! I haven’t laughed so hard since the other night.”

remember: real catholics don’t laugh.

crazy love

Posted in fake "catholics", sex with tags , , , on October 13, 2012 by troll ii

“Hi there, you may think you remember me as the wife from ‘Field of Dreams.'”

so, uh, what if i told you that i, uh, “had a thing” for a sixty-five-year-old lesbian feminist who champions pornography and doesn’t believe in god?

no, really, how would you react?

perhaps you’d say that i was strange? or sick? or crazy? or maybe that i would make a great future president of the lcwr?

ok, but what if i told you that i was thinking of following her lead and voting third-party, you know, for reasons of “conscience”?

well then you’d probably guess that i’m just practicing my Mark Shea schtick in anticipation of halloween.

“um, trick or treat, stop Lila Rose and please use the paypal button.”

obviously, as a REAL catholic i don’t actually do halloween. but if i did, this is definitely how i’d roll.

everybody’s an expert

Posted in fake "catholics" with tags , , , , on October 3, 2012 by troll ii

it has been brought to my attention by my best friend, Turk Sorensen, that in recounting my “catholic speaker month” brouhaha i failed to mention the newest up-and-coming fake “catholic” speaker: my best friend Turk Sorensen.

yup, he “came out” on the facebook in late august.

as you can see from the screenshot, Turk clearly thinks that he has a lot to offer. i’m not so sure.

it’s not that Turk is a bad guy, it’s just that i don’t see what exactly he has to add. i mean, what makes him so special that people should invite him to come speak, as if he’s all of a sudden some sort of authority on catholicism or parenting or life or whatever else?

come to think of it, i’m not sure what the qualifications are most so-called “catholic” speakers out there, aside from a general willingness to talk about themselves and to treat their own opinions as somehow very special.

quick fact: there are presently more “catholic” speakers in the united states than there are “catholics.” how is this possible? well, due to the past success of converts in telling their tales and getting famous, it appears that now catechumens are getting in on the speaking circuit action. likewise with soon-to-be-baptized infants.

“For a modest per diem, I am available to speak at your parish or school on the topic of spiritual infancy in light of my experience of actual infancy.”

as for me, i think the whole trend is disgraceful and in very bad taste.

to paraphrase the famed entrepreneur Dwight K. Shrute: there’s too many “catholic” speakers on this earth–we need a new plague.

who’s with me?