Archive for the Uncategorized Category

worst christmas present ever

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on January 4, 2013 by troll ii

before you even ask, yes, this actually exists.

and yes, it was actually given to me as a christmas present.

as a “joke,” by my best friend, Turk Sorensen.

no, i will probably not be joining him and his family for christmas eve ever again.

that is all.


ncr is sick (UPDATED)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on December 14, 2012 by troll ii

regardless of whether you happen to think that joking and laughter is gravely sinful, there should be near-universal agreement that any kind of joking in the immediate aftermath of a tragedy is simply heinous.

although i am well aware of the common conservative trope that so-called “gun control” activists jump on every chance to score cheap political points in the aftermath of gun violence, i am simply aghast that the sick yukkers at the “national catholic reporter” would satirize this tendency just a few short hours after the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School.

seriously, there’s not one, not two, but three different pieces purporting to be insensitive liberal demands for more gun control in the aftermath of the shooting.

“What? Here at NCR, funny is funny, and we run with what’s hot.”

surely no one in their right mind would take advantage of our collective horror at the massacre of young children, at least not so soon after it happened. so how could the “ncr” think it appropriate to mock such non-existent opportunists?

it’s sick, i tell you, just sick.

at the rate they’re going, i fully expect them to have up several more pieces by the end of the night, no doubt providing parodies of Pat Robertson-style buffoonery, or of judgmental homeschoolers’ tsk-tsking “Toldya So’s,” or of talking heads’ calls to re-open the national conversation about who knows what else (maybe euthanizing the mentally unstable or those with whom we disagree politically?). perhaps they’ll just run a rehash of one of the articles they’ve already posted, but updated to demand “knife control” in the wake of the 22 children being stabbed in China.

because that would be hilarious and not at all in bad taste, right?


not at all appropriate: “The Good Shepherd” by Thomas Kinkade



several members of the editorial staff at the “national catholic reporter” have contacted me privately to say that they don’t plan on publishing any additional parodies exploiting today’s shooting. not tonight anyway.

also, they assure me that they will NOT be exploiting the tragedy that occurred in China, since their largely American readership generally only pays attention to American tragedies, especially those involving white people. *whew*

electile dysfunction and the post-election blues

Posted in real catholic, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on December 11, 2012 by troll ii

as i alluded the other day, my most recent hiatus from blogging was the product of several factors, among which must be included the presidential election, and its run-up and aftermath. i’m not gonna lie, i’ve been a wreck.

i should probably back up.

you may recall that, over the summer, i had pledged my vote to Mel Gibson. obviously, it’s not that i thought he had a chance of winning, but simply that i liked his style and his beliefs. well, i liked them more than those of the other “viable” candidates anyway.

“Voting for me is, surprisingly, a highly rational decision, in light of the alternatives.”

although there was a brief flirtation with Mitt Romney, based largely on his Mormon brand of sedevacantism, i just couldn’t bring myself to vote for him. but then, i saw that Mark Shea wasn’t going to vote for Romney either, so i knew i needed to change my mind again, since it felt too weird to me to agree with Shea in anything.

i was really torn. on the one hand, i didn’t want to just spill my vote upon the ground and, um, wash my hands of electoral responsibility, since surely any vote that wasn’t for Romney was a vote for Obama (who i can’t stand). but on the other hand, i thought that maybe Obama wouldn’t be so bad after all. i mean, in light of his attitude of antagonism toward the novus ordo shamchurch, and his explicit support of sharia law, i thought a second term might just be enough to spark a full-scale muslim takeover, which would of course both unmask all the fake “catholics” and ensure that women everywhere would never wear anything immodest again. win-win.

the perfect gift for all the soon-to-be-persecuted catholics on your christmas gift list, yes?

i still didn’t know who exactly to vote for, though. it wasn’t going to be Romney or Obama. or Gibson or anyone else i had previously considered. i thought about writing in Murphy’s name, but the fact is that i don’t particularly agree with his foreign policy.

i was stumped. stymied. at an utter loss.

and then, an epiphany! a came across a fantastic blog post by a fellow by the name of “Zippy Catholic,” whose main point seemed to be that any vote for any candidate is an act of idolatry. voting isn’t a mere show of support, it’s an act of latria–a “pinch of incense” he called it!!

it all made so much sense, and i felt so free.

why couldn’t i find a candidate to vote for, when everyone else around was getting excited, or least finding the willingness to hold their noses for, this guy or that? i hadn’t realized it before, but it was because i have kept the true faith while everyone else had fallen away!!! my sense of self-righteousness had perhaps never been so strong. i was on top of the world, looking down my nose at all the reprobate around me.

it was not to last, however.

the morning after the election, after i had smugly refused to vote, i happened to see a picture of good ol’ Mitt, looking sad and broken-hearted, and i suddenly realized what i had done. Iowa, my home state, had gone blue, and i couldn’t help but think that if i had just been willing to do a little more, perhaps things would have turned out differently, and maybe, just maybe, we could’ve turned this country around.

is there any way you could say no to this man?

“You didn’t think robots could cry, did you? Well, I had a firmware update, and now I can.”

i racked my brain for the next two weeks or so, trying to think of what i could have done to alter this outcome. i mean, i know i’m only one man, but surely i could’ve made an impact and changed some minds. maybe if i had picked more fights on the facebook, or been more political in my blog postings, or put bumper stickers on my car.

now that i’m a bit more removed from things, i figure it probably wasn’t that big of a deal that i didn’t vote. nor would it have been that big a deal if i had voted, regardless of what Skippy Catholic says.

i do wish that i had picked more fights on the facebook. one never regrets those.

BREAKING: reconciliation immanent?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 16, 2012 by troll ii

no, i’m not speaking about the pointless sspx talks with the modernist vatican, but about a pending sit-down with my once and perhaps future best friend, Turk Sorensen.

as you will recall, Turk and i have been on the outs ever since he did something to upset me. i can’t recall what it was, but i know it started with his idea for “recipes for disaster” and it spiraled out of control from there. honestly, the initial reasons don’t really matter now, because he’s since done lots of things to get my goat, things like writing me notes in latin (which i can’t understand), denouncing my on david bawden’s facebook page, leaving me threatening messages, egging my house, and shaving(!) Murphy. what a tool.

anyhow, i received a text message earlier this afternoon that he wanted to finally get together and have a mediated conversation in which we could reconcile, by which i understand him to mean that he is planning to grovelingly beg my forgiveness for his foolishness.

artist’s rendering of what i hope will be Turk’s pathetic begging for mercy

while i’m ordinarily not one to extend mercy of any sort, i do have a soft spot for groveling, begging, sniveling, and all-around self-humiliation, so as long as Turk plays his cards right, he has a good chance to return to my good graces.

if all goes well, i should be back at home with plenty of time to pop in this week’s Mel Gibson monday video, “bird on a wire,” co-starring Goldie Hahn (who if i’m not mistaken is fake “catholic” apologist Scott Hahn’s sister). of course, if things go on a bit longer than planned, i’ll probably need to hold off till tomorrow. we’ll see.

it’s the jews

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on June 29, 2012 by troll ii

in honor of E. Michael Jonesreal birthday (wikipedia is NOT to be trusted, peoples), i’ve posted for the education and enjoyment of all a brief clip from the 2001 drama “bubble boy.”

it’s no “le juif suss,” but i think it serves as a helpful reminder of what we’re are up against, and personally, it gives me hope that if the truth about the jews can even come out of hollywood, then anything’s possible.

many happy returns on the day, E.!

p.s. Bob, Mel, and Mahmoud send their best wishes, too.

awkward exchange

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on May 3, 2012 by troll ii

i try to be friendly to everyone i meet. i always pipe up with my opinion when other people are talking, because i think conversation is great. sometimes i just like hearing myself give opinions, because it’s the best way to learn how i feel about a given topic. i dunno, i guess i’m just a real character.

anyway, i was sitting in my front yard working on my flower bed (yes, i have a green thumb!) when the mailman stopped by with the usual assortment of junk and bills. i figured i’d take a break and chat for a sec and, being hospitable and friendly, i offered to get him a glass of water or perhaps share the rest of my sandwich from lunch. when he politely declined, i said that i thought declining invitations was rude and that perhaps i wouldn’t chat with him anymore when he came by on his route.

i was worried that maybe he would take offense at my boldness and perhaps start accidentally “losing” my tvguide, but instead he smiled and said that he couldn’t take any food or water right then, because he was observing ramadan.

fine and good, you might say, he’s just trying to obey the rules of his religion and be a good muslim. and that’s what i thought, too. but then i remembered that my friend Turk Sorensen has a chipmunk who’s muslim, and that he didn’t have a problem having a snack with me just two days before, right in the middle of the daytime.

so i said, “hey jack, it isn’t ramadan right now, and you’re not a real muslim! it’s people like you that give religion a bad name!”

and then he said, menacingly i might add, “it would be a shame for you to stop getting those bed, bath, and beyond catalogues that you like so much.”

and then i didn’t know what to say. like i said, it was really awkward.

shopping list

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on May 2, 2012 by troll ii

split pea soup (6 cans)

hamster food

hot pockets (broccoli and cheese, ham and cheese)

angel hair pasta (2 boxes)

thumb tacks


personal lubricant


chicken breasts


pears (seven)