what’s all the fuss about?

Posted in real catholic with tags , , on February 12, 2013 by troll ii

ooh, so now it’s big news that there’s no pope.

whatever, i’ve been saying that for, like, forever.

fake “pope” Michael I is similarly unimpressed.

“I’m all like, ‘as if,’ like, totally, you know?”


feeling the love

Posted in blogging on February 12, 2013 by troll ii

“what do you say we go below deck and read some ‘theology of the body’ to each other?”

since the bitter defeat of two weeks ago, i’ve been feeling pretty low. and what with Murphy being gone, i have no one to put my head on straight when i get all bent out of shape. hence the constant tears and crippling depression.

but then i thought to myself just last night, “sometimes i get flattering remarks in my combox spam filter, and that would be a great pick-me-up.” sure enough, reader Szoc2573 writes:

May I just say what a relief is to discovering someone that genuinely understands what they talking about on teh internet. You actually realize how to brings an issue to light and make it impotent. More people had to read this and understanding this side of the story! It’s surprising you aren’t being more popular because you certainly possessed the gift.

surprising indeed. if only i were more appreciated. as i am by reader claudinha_doidinha, who writes:

keep sharing such ideas in the future as well. this was actually what i was looked for, and i am being glad to come here!

and finally, there is this from reader Townsend:

artikelnya sangat informatif sekali..terimaksih banyak

which apparently is idonesian for “you know yes where you can buy cheap viagra!”

thank you, dear readers. thank you.

my heart will go on.

greatest blogger alive – UPDATED

Posted in blogging, real catholic with tags , , , , on January 29, 2013 by troll ii

no, please, hold your applause, i have so much more to say

while Mark Shea is busy wringing his hands over cults of celebrity and how to avoid them (as if he really needs to worry about that), i am pleased to announce that my own cult of celebrity is steadily waxing.

and i don’t mean the bad kind

yup, not only am i currently in negotiations to be the newest a-list blogger at “Patheos,” but i’ve also received numerous nominations for the “Sheenazing Blogger Awards,” which are, um, uh, well i don’t know what exactly they are. but i wants them. i wants them all.

“Hey how come Mark Shea didn’t get any nominations? Sorry, stupid question.”

although i feel pretty confident that i’m a lock to win every category, i do want to encourage all of my many loyal readers to support my candidacy, voting both early and often.

together we can show these fools what REALcatholic™ winning really looks like.


well, it turns out that i didn’t win anything at all. in all three of the stupid “sheenazing” categories for which i was nominated, i lost out to folks whose subscriber numbers are in the thousands. i don’t mean to whine and moan and be a sore loser, but THIS IS AN INJUSTICE!!!

and, to add insult to injury, the winner of “best blog by a catholic man” was none other than bad catholic, who is barely even pubescent. as if that makes any sense at all.

in her mass email to all the “losers” of the awards, awards host Bonnie thanked us for participating and encouraged us to try to get more readers, “because otherwise there’s just no way you’re ever going to be able to compete against the juggernauts of Simcha Fisher, Jen Fulwiler, Bad Catholic, and Like Mother Like Daughter. And the competition will only get fiercer: next year I’m planning to add Fr. Z and @pontifex, and maybe even Facebook, Wikipedia, and Google, which aren’t really blogs, but are still very popular. More popular than you’ll ever be anyway.”

well played Bonnie, well played.

and now there’s nothing left for me to do but go sit in a dark corner and cry burning tears of shame, self-loathing, and resentment.

“Looking for tears? Let me take a stab at it.”

combox inquisitors

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", real catholic with tags , , , , , , on January 24, 2013 by troll ii

new commenters on this blog often express confusion and even horror that i’m not in absolute lockstep with “Pope” Benedict XVI on everything he happens to say, write, think, or (*shudder*) tweet.

“aren’t you supposed to be a catholic?” they say, “so how can you know better than the pope?” and i tell them, “i just do, i know better than anyone about everything.” then i block them.

what can i say? i’m a certifiable REALcatholic™, which means that i hold fast to the truth of the faith as i interpret it, even though everyone else around me may be going bananas, up to and including the pope.

“It really is too bad that my possession of the keys of Peter is contingent upon the approval of bloggers who live in their sister’s basement.”

honestly, it bugs me so much when these ignorant and supposedly level-headed “obedient”-types mouth off about how you can’t really be a catholic unless you follow the pope on absolutely everything. “well not everything everything,” they clarify, “but absolutely in all matters pertaining to faith and morals, and in church discipline.”

oh, ok. and what about when i deem that the pope is a heretic and that Peter’s chair is empty  and that i’m the only REALcatholic™ left? “you can’t do that,” they say, “because then you would no longer be catholic.”

“I have a dream?”

well, what if i did accept the pope as legitimate (don’t worry, i don’t really) but i rejected his decisions about the liturgy because i deem the novus ordo to be an abomination? “you can’t do that either,” they say, “though of course you can avail yourself of the extraordinary form, if you’d prefer.”

all right, all right. let’s just say for the sake of argument that i not only accepted the pope as legitimate and i accepted the new mass as well, but that i decided that the church’s teaching on the morality of homosexuality and gay marriage weren’t for me? “no, as a catholic you can’t do that either,” they say, “but i’m sure that they’ll still let you blog at the catholic channel at Patheos, as long as you attract enough traffic.”

oh snap!

ugh, combox inquisitors. always trying to sniff out “explicit dissent from the pope and magisterium” and knee-jerkingly demonize it.

as if the pope and magisterium were actually infallible in matters of faith and morals!

i didn’t expect this kind of inquisition

christian unity

Posted in anger with tags , , on January 22, 2013 by troll ii

ecumenism is the worst. really, it is.

even if you happened to think that everything else that vatican ii did was sensible and right-headed, surely you must recognize the absurdity of hoping and praying that all christians “may be one.”

who comes up with something like that? ugh, utter hippy nonsense.

“Evangelicals and Catholics together, man.”

we’re presently in the midst of the “week of prayer for christian unity,” which ironically enough is often an occasion for reflecting on how other christians have fallen short. i don’t mean members of other churches or denominations, mind you, but fellow co-religionists.

as i see it, this is the sole silver lining of the ecumenical movement: the opportunity to gripe about how others in your camp don’t understand what’s really at stake, or don’t care, or care too much, or their tactics are all wrong, or they’re making you look bad.

wow, when you stop and think about it, there’s something for everyone to be mad about.

my vision of christian unity: where all are joined by rage and self-righteous indignation.

it is your destiny

Posted in anger, blogging with tags , on January 22, 2013 by troll ii

feeling angry about something? maybe you should blog about it…

sometimes i worry that i am losing the battle for the hearts and minds of this wicked generation. that no one really listens to me, since i maybe come off a bit strange.

you know, nuts. crackers. cray cray.

i wonder if perhaps my anger towards others is off-putting. if my fixation on what constitutes REALcatholic™ orthodoxy might turn readers away.

it can be very lonely, really, bearing the responsibility for publicly calling others out. but the upside is that when you express your anger and self-righteous indignation, you often engender similar reactions in others, either out of support or opposition.

they become like petulant little children, and you take a certain quasi-parental pride in knowing that you helped to bring their anger out into the world.

i myself haven’t had much success with this of late, since no one takes me seriously, but i do enjoy watching from a distance as aggression and indignation beget more of the same.

“Good. Use your aggressive feelings. Let the hate flow through you.”

i know i’m probably a little late with this, but i didn’t want to miss the opportunity to warmly welcome Calah Alexander and her commenters to the dark side. if ever you think of leaving, my friends, just recall to mind how much there is to be angry about.

Finally, brethren, whatever is false, whatever is shameful, whatever is unjust, whatever is impure, whatever is ugly, whatever is unwanted, if there is any failing, if there is anything worthy of condemnation, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, do; and the spirit of perturbation will be with you.

oh great, awards season… (UPDATED)

Posted in blogging, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2013 by troll ii

three trophies for the cheat!

last night it was the golden globes (i watched “Downton” instead, of course).

we’ll have the grammys in a couple of weeks (shouldn’t that end in “-ies”?).

then come the oscars. whoopie.

oh and finally, come late march, we’ll have the “2013 About.com Catholicism Reader’s Choice Awards.” from what i understand, it’s not an awards show per se. but that doesn’t mean i won’t be dressing up.

why, you ask? well because i’ve been nominated for “Best Catholic Blog” (by none other than my best friend Turk Sorensen), and seeing as how mine is the only REALcatholic™ blog on the interwebs, i figure i’m a shoe-in, right?

well i should be, anyway. i don’t need to tell you how awesome this blog is, or how much you should probably donate to keep operations here afloat (hint: till it hurts so much that Mark Shea starts protesting it as a form of torture).



no, i know i won’t win. those who tell the truth never do. instead we suffer in silence and obscurity. IN SILENCE AND OBSCURITY I TELL YOU!!!

back when i first started this thing, when i was still seeing you-know-who, i thought that maybe i’d be able to rig some sort of upset and score a 2012 Cannonball Catholic Blog Award. alas, she ditched the awards altogether this past year, probably just to spite me.


maybe if i had more colorful backgrounds or lots of sweet animated .gifs, then i’d get the attention and acclaim that i deserve…


after a great deal of thought, i’ve decided to start my own awards for best REALcatholic™ blog. the award badge, inspired by the above-liked sites, looks something like this:

i know, pretty sweet, right?

you needn’t worry about nominations or voting, since there’s really only one blog in contention at the moment. i suppose that i’d be willing to consider additional entries (e.g., were E. Michael Jones or Michael Voris to start blogging regularly), but for the time being, i’m it, folks.

stay angry, my friends.