Archive for catholic

it’s, like, really complicated, ok?

Posted in fake "catholics", laughter, real catholic with tags , , , on August 5, 2012 by troll ii

“But I want it now.”

i may have implied before that my best friend Turk Sorensen has maybe sorta too many kids (it’s gotta be somewhere around 12 or 13 by now), but having just come from being over at his house for dinner, i can say for sure that he and his wife have waaaaay too many girls. seriously, it’s like every day is some sort of moody, willful hormone olympics, and every single one of these gals is going for the gold.

“Break a leg, kiddo!”

when i noted over after-dinner drinks that he and Sheila seem to have their hands full, Turk pulled down for me a book of “quotes” that they’ve compiled. the following are from the past week.

Joanie, age 4:

“These disagreements are a reflection of a slightly different perspective that we have on obedience.”

Maggie, age 5:

“I would also say that there are very few family rules  that are not discussable, that are absolutely infallible.”

Catherine, age 11:

“My sense of my own responsibility means that I continue raising and responding to questions, according to my own conscience and according to new information and questions that arise in our day.”

Mary-Sarah, age 13:

“One of my concerns is that my ‘questioning’ of your stupid uptight rules is seen as defiance, and that’s not healthy for our home-life, nor is it my intention.”

Teresa, age 15:

“The one thing that I think I’ve constantly communicated is that we want to help create a safe and respectful environment, where parents and children can raise questions openly and search together for truth freely to the very complex issues of our time, like why Brad Poggis isn’t allowed in my bedroom.”

Agnes, age 16:

“Anything that we can do in the way that we respond to this that could contribute to the climate of open and deeper dialogue in our house is one of our greatest hopes.”

like i told Turk and Sheila, if these girls start showing a penchant for polyester, be very worried, because they’re starting to sound an awful lot like those jokers from the lcwr.

“We’re just trying to vision a new church into being, folks.”

come to think of it, if those “nuns” aren’t careful, people will think they’re simply being petty, petulant, and immature. whiny even. oh dear.


mel gibson monday: edge of darkness

Posted in blogging, mel gibson, real catholic with tags , , , , on August 2, 2012 by troll ii

despite being a borderline rabid fan of Mel Gibson, i have discovered in the past two weeks several films of his that i hadn’t yet seen. surprisingly enough, the first of these is actually one of the most recent: the 2010 mystery thriller “edge of darkness,” which is a film adaptation of a 1985 bbc television series by the same name. i can’t imagine how i could’ve missed this movie when it came out, especially since it was Mel’s first starring role since his awesome 2002 sci-fi fantasy pic, “signs.” but in any case, Murphy and i decided that we had to remedy the situation for this week’s Mel Gibson monday movie-watch, and now that our internets access is up and running again, i’m here to give you the rundown on what is a truly great film.

on to the plot: Mel plays Tom Craven, a boston homicide detective who becomes increasingly unstable following a tragic incident involving his grown daughter. after learning that she may have been intentionally targeted, Mel begins to suspect a massive conspiracy stretching to the upper echelons of the u.s. government and a major multi-national corporation (shockingly, the jews aren’t involved). eventually, his detective work leads him to the truth… about his daughter, about  himself, about the huge conspiracy, about what women really want, about government corruption, and about everything else too. along the way, Mel does what Mel does best: getting angry and intimidating people.

“Deep down, you know you deserve this.”

i know that i’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: the world needs more people like Mel Gibson, people who might just be a little bit crazy, but who will do whatever they think should be done no matter who might get hurt.

“I’m a guy with nothin to lose!”

since i am physically unable to intimidate anyone, i find that spewing vitriol on the interwebs is the next best thing to actually going out and doing something. you know, like in the real world.

it’s not easy being a church of practically one, but i’m committed to telling everyone else how wrong they are, and i promise to keep it up, despite all the online persecution, until they make it against the law and it gets really inconvenient.

“Everything’s illegal in Massachusetts.”

i’m still free to sound off here in iowa, and that’s the way i like it.

until next time, here’s the trailer for “edge of darkness” (courtesy of the kind folks at the youtubes), which should pique your interest.


3.5 time-outs: confessions of an ex-lax catholic

Posted in real catholic with tags , , , , on July 3, 2012 by troll ii

as a certifiable REALcatholic, i pride myself on not being accommodating or lax with anything or anyone. (i wasn’t always so rigorous, of course, but that’s a story for another post.)

the fact is that i now have high standards, which pretty much no one ever meets, and i’m not afraid to condemn practices or people that i find unacceptable.

believe the novus ordo mass is legit? anathema sit!

think nfp and theology of the body are groovy? anathema sit!

like “charity” and “mercy” in your religion? anathema sit!

think altar girls are ok? anathema sit!

don’t think the u.s. of a. is the greatest country ever? anathema sit!

prefer to hang toilet paper “under” rather than “over”? anathema sit!

etc., etc., etc.

i’ll admit that i’m pretty strict when it comes to things that are important, i.e., things i have a strong opinion about.

the downside to this, at least in my experience, is that being so uptight makes certain, um, “movements of nature” a little more difficult to execute. also, it makes it so that you have hardly any friends.

while i have no solution to the latter problem, the former is one that is (typically) easily solved with the proper use of laxatives, of which the following are especially recommended.

1) metamucil – bulk-producing psyllium husk is my daily go-to for maintaining regularity. super gentle, but also really effective. i give it four stars.

2) phillip’s stool softener – this docusate-based laxative is a pretty handy plan-b for when back-ups occur. usually pretty gentle, but DO NOT overuse. i give it three and a half stars.

3) milk of magnesia – saline-based osmotic laxatives are not my favorite, but when time is of the essence, they really can’t be beat. two and a half stars is fair, i think.

3.5) apricots. i know, i know, it sounds like some sort of hippie-dippy, guitar-mass-loving, reiki-using organic black magic, but the fact is, certain kinds of foods really do help keep things moving. prunes fall into this category for sures. also, reading posts by amy welborn (go figure).

for more substantive (but less stimulating) time-outs, bang it here.

regular blogging will resume shortly.

news round-up

Posted in Murphy, pope michael, salsa with tags , , , , , , , on June 27, 2012 by troll ii

due to some legal issues, i’ve been keeping rather mum on the whole “pope” michael / david bawden joking fiasco (see posts here, here, and here).

however, my attorney, Shep Klingerman, has recently assured me that bawden has no grounds for his suits against me for libel or slander or sexual harrassment (as if!), so i’m going to go ahead and update everyone on what’s been happening in this matter and in every other area of my life as well.

  • it’s since come out that bawden’s so-called “ordination” was actually performed by a schismatic heretic “old catholic,” who believes that women should be ordained. (i bet the jokesters at ncr love that).
  • i didn’t know this at the time, but bawden also decided that he would change the celibacy requirements for holy orders, so that married people could be ordained. (right, because what we really need is our priests defiling themselves with human sexuality.)
  • i’ve learned that footage shot for the documentary film “pope michael” that ended up on the cutting room floor showed not one but TWO copies of “redneck joke” books in Bawden’s bathroom, as well as a Woody Allen book on Bawden’s nightstand, and pirated videotapes of “america’s funniest home videos” in Bawden’s living room. (absolutely heinous. and to think i ever regarded him as a serious man.)
  • although no one has yet to take me up on my offer to re-visit canon law and figure out how to get out of this mess we’re in, i remain hopeful that the light will dawn. i’m also beginning to come to terms with the reality that i may be the only living member of the true catholic church left in the entire world. amazing.
now for a round-up of everything else.

  • Murphy’s online therapy sessions have been going rather well. his violent outbursts and racist remarks are at an all time low, and he seems to be of a much sunnier disposition altogether. i am, however, a little worried about his sudden distaste for comments disparaging the jews, which seems to be an unintended side-effect of his therapy. we’ll see if this impacts Mel Gibson mondays. hopefully it does not.
  • my salsa-dancing internets girlfriend broke up with me via text-message this past weekend– something about feeling uncomfortable with being mentioned on the blog and not liking my paranoid delusions and having greater aspirations than living in a basement in des moines. whatever, who needs her. i wasn’t really interested in having a conjugal relationship with her anyway, seeing as how gross those tend to be. i was just in it for the dancing (kat was fantastic at salsa, believe you me), and in any case, there’s a sedevacantist salsa singles mingle coming up in a few weeks over in tulsa (info here), so i should be just fine on that front.
  • grannie cannarbean’s passing brought up a lot of mixed feelings that i don’t really want to talk about. i didn’t go to her silly sspx funeral and she didn’t leave me anything in her will, so i guess we’re even. i just wish things could have been different. but i don’t want to talk about it.
  • after our recent falling out, my former best friend Turk Sorensen has taken to sending me fruit baskets and notes of apology. of course, the notes are written in latin as a reminder of why i need him to be my translator. fyi: making me feel stupid isn’t going to get you on my good side, Turk. jerk. (hey that rhymes. cool.)
  • after publicly ridiculing me as either crazy or funny (the nerve!), Mark Shea has gone ahead and filed a restraining order against me. (funny how you never mentioned that on your blog, Mark.) this seems unnecessary and rather uncharitable, at least to me, but what else would you expect from Mark Shea? i’ve heard he eats children.
  • i’ve become absolutely addicted to “downton abbey.” i just keep watching the episodes over and over again. i haven’t left the apartment in four days. seriously, i need help.

in case you’ve never seen “downton,” here are some clips of the dowager countess, whose verve and caustic wit makes me think she would have made a wonderful real catholic, if only she were, you know, actually real.

and here are some clips from series two.

zing and double zing!

until next time, faithful (and not so faithful) readers.

mel gibson monday: air america

Posted in laughter, mel gibson with tags , , , , on June 25, 2012 by troll ii

following the rousing success of our previous two Mel Gibson movie nights, Murphy and i have decided in no uncertain terms that this is to be a household tradition, lasting in saecula saeculorum (i’m pretty sure that means a really long time), or at least until we run out of Mel Gibson movies to watch.

this week’s superawesome Mel Gibson movie: the 1990 war drama “air america,” which seems like a fitting follow-up to last week’s “conspiracy theory,” in light of their shared “secret cia activity” themes.

as i recall, the basic plot involves Mel as a slightly unstable pilot who flies for the cia in laos during the vietnam war. also, Robert Downey, Jr., is in the movie. as if anyone cares.

“here at air america, what is considered psychotic behavior anywhere else is just company policy.”

i know the movie’s listed as a comedy, but i can assure that it’s not, since i’m confident that Mel would never do anything like that. remember: real catholics don’t laugh. besides, it’s a war movie, and there’s nothing funny about war.

“i’ve seen things here that i could never possibly have imagined, and i’ve got a pretty broad imagination.”

the jokers at youtubes won’t let me embed the “air america” trailer, but it’s there for the watching (just click on the link below).

what’s so bad about nfp?

Posted in fake "catholics", nfp, real catholic, sex with tags , , , , on June 20, 2012 by troll ii

i mean besides, you know, EVERYTHING?

beyond a brief mention a few months ago, i haven’t really voiced much opposition to natural family planning, aka fake “catholic” contraception, nor have i gone into much detail as to what it is that i find so objectionable about it.

the main reason for this, embarrassingly enough, is that i can’t seem to remember what precisely it is that i find so offensive.

on the one hand, a principal element of nfp is continence, that is, abstaining from sexual intercourse, and this seems to me to be a rather good thing. after all, sexuality is rather disgusting, and its exercise within marriage, though sacred, is still pretty gross if you ask me. so avoiding sex is good, right?

“look at yourselves, peoples. god can’t want this.”

BUT on the other hand, abstinence means that a married couple isn’t actively trying to have children, which is the whole purpose of getting married in the first place. my heart breaks when i think of all the children who will never see the light of day, but are instead exiled to the realm of nothingness, just because parents aren’t willing to bring them into existence. what happens to these children that supposedly “catholic” mothers and fathers refuse to accept from God? i shudder to even think about this injustice, not least because i can’t actually wrap my mind around the concept of a non-existent person being sinned against.

where have all the non-existent children gone? my money’s on cleveland, which is practically a state of nothingness

HOWEVER, i would think that the danger of demographic suicide that nfp represents is in this respect not altogether different from the church’s praise of “heroic continence,” to say nothing of its exhortation to celibacy and holy virginity for those singularly blessed with the graced repression and rejection of their icky sexuality. and yet up to the time of the second vatican council, the church’s numbers were always strong, and we have every reason to hope that they will become strong once again.

well in that case, three cheers for chastity belts!

BUT on the other hand, maybe the failure of faithful catholics to bite the bullet and engage in marital relations is a big part of why there are no more than a handful of real catholics around today.

hmm, not even additional refrains of “gather us in” seem to be working for this hapless novus ordo church

HOWEVER, in that case, continence and celibacy would be an even bigger obstacle to the church than modernism, which is absurd. besides, the even bigger problem with nfp is that it ALLOWS sex, just not at “peak” times, right? this means that nfp is practically no different from fornication or bestiality or masturbation.

“personally, i find nfp to be very self-gratifying.” um, ok. and might i add, ew.

so which is it? is nfp evil because it discourages intercourse, or because it discourages intercourse? i can’t quite  see how it could possibly be both.

all i know is that it is evil and i hate it and i love love love to proclaim the good news about how it is evil and those who practice it are manifest contracepting sinners and that i will pray for them.

(i never do pray for them, you know.)

in which i praise Mark Shea?

Posted in fake "catholics" with tags , , , , , , , on June 19, 2012 by troll ii

i’ve said before how much i loves me some good ol’ fashioned righteous anger. but coming in at a close second has got to be the glorious feeling of shadenfreude i get at seeing different brands of fake “catholics” ripping into one another and inadvertently exposing the sham that is the novus ordo amchurch.

“forget all that crap about turning the other cheek, that guy just said something bad about Ron Paul!”

“ha, even my beard is smarter than you”

although there are examples of this all over the place, a particularly favorite source is the self-described “jolly” Mark Shea, who is forever taking shots at his fellow fake “catholic” fraudsters for not thinking exactly like him.

don’t have a gay best friend? anathema sit.

don’t oppose the right wars and military practices? anathema sit.

don’t abhor the tactics of certain pro-life groups? anathema sit.

don’t hate Michael Voris and blame him for all the world’s problems? anathema sit.

don’t hate faithful laymen and love everything the n.o. bishops say and do? anathema sit.

don’t love everything about his superawesomefakecatholic web portal? anathema sit.

now please don’t get me wrong: despite the protestations of “Fr.” James Martin, there isn’t anything inappropriate about appointing yourself ad hoc to the CDF or the magisterium and condemning everything that falls short of the standards of the real catholic faith, SO LONG AS YOU ARE A REAL CATHOLIC.

obviously, given his condescending stance toward those who love tradition and conspiracy theories, Mark Shea is not.

personally, and despite his ignorance of the true faith, i have the utmost respect for Herr Shea’s tactics, which would otherwise make him a natural frothing traddie troll if it wasn’t for his broader fidelity to the “pope.”

perhaps there is hope for him yet.

“i’d like to see obama’s drones launch missiles like these bad boys.”

then again, perhaps not.