Archive for dimond brothers

7 quick takes: week in review

Posted in mormons, Murphy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 20, 2012 by troll ii

“oh, were you expecting somebody else?

a certain someone may have had to run to the store to pick up a pregnancy test, so it looks like you’re stuck with me instead. we could just sit here in awkward silence, but i’m gonna jump right in there and tell you all about my week, ok?

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1. i’ve already mentioned making up with my best friend Turk Sorensen. and things seem to be going better than before with Murphy. i don’t want to jinx it by talking about it though. we’ll see how this next week shapes up.

Murphy may have been introduced to a potentially special someone at the park on monday morning

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2. yesterday, as part of his effort to get things “back to normal,” Turk once again started emailing me links to everything that he happens to find on the internets, among which was a video purportedly proving that presidential candidate Mitt Romney is actually catholic. sure enough, good ol’ Mitt admitted as much in the video, but then i saw where the video was posted and it dawned on me that he’s using “catholic” just as loosely as the hippy-dippy novus ordo crowd. fakes, all of them.

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3. speaking of mormons, i was visited not once but twice this week by two strange but friendly “elders.” while i would normally follow my gran’s example and forcibly get rid of them, i decided on the second time to invite them in (i guess i’m just in a peaceable mood this week). a whole lot was said, and frankly some of it sounded pretty crazy, but i was shocked and rather pleasantly surprised to hear about their ideas concerning a great apostasy of the church. i just wanted to embrace them and i was all like, “sedevacantists don’t shake hands, sedevacantists gotta hug.”

elders beerman (l) and berry (r)

as it turns out, they’re not really sedevacantists, nor are they permitted by their religion to give or receive hugs. apparently i still have a lot to learn about these neat freaks.

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4. using the google, i was able to piece together a bit more information about mormonism. probably the best resource that i was able to locate was a mormon children’s cartoon that explained the story of mormonism’s founder, Joseph Smith, in song. since stupid wordpress doesn’t seem to want to let me embed flash videos, you’ll need to click out to see it. the video can be found HERE.

“i’ve got a golden ticket, i mean plates!”

(is it just me, or does that one boy’s dad look an awful lot like Pat Madrid?)

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5. honestly, i don’t care if he is a sedevacantist, i’m still not voting for Mitt. maybe i’m foolish to think that Mel Gibson would make a good president, but you have to admit that it’s still a great idea compared to Mark Shea, who is voting for a cat. Murphy is furious about this, as he should be.

I CAN HAZ HAMSTER SNACKZ?

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6. i got wind on tuesday of the possibility of going to confession. as i’m sure you know, there simply aren’t many priests who have been properly ordained and who haven’t apostatized, and despite my admiration for all the fine work that the dimond brothers do, i simply cannot follow their lax approach to sacramental confession. honestly, it’s been so long since i’ve been that i can barely even remember how it goes. does anyone out there have a good REALcatholic examination of conscience, or even just a rigidly traditionalist one? if not, i might just have to come up with one myself…

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7. in news entirely unrelated, it seems that after Simcha’s post last friday [WARNING: DO NOT CLICK IF YOU ARE SCARED OF BREASTS], the register threatened to fire her and playboy magazine swooped in with a job offer. after the dust settled and everyone realized that no one except Steve Kellmeyer had gotten offended, everything went back to normal.

“I was offended, too, you know, because there were pictures of, pictures of–I’m not sure if I can say this on the air–but pictures of naked women. And I was just so upset that I called up the register and I, and I… uh, Jim, are you paying any attention to what I’m saying right now?”

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for other, less interesting takes, click away.

mel gibson monday

Posted in mel gibson, Murphy with tags , , on June 15, 2012 by troll ii

er, friday i guess. but i like the alliteration. and i think i should probably start devoting a day of the week to watching his movies.

indeed, despite certain misgivings about the dangers of the cinema, i must confess to being quite the fan of a certain Melvin Percival Gibson III, better known as MEL GIBSON!

“yes, my middle name is actually percival”

while Murphy would prefer our weekend movie watching to consist of 90s rom coms and dimond brothers youtubes videos, i myself am partial to the action genre, and of course anything starring MEL GIBSON.

anyway, i landed a pirate copy of Mel’s newest pic, “get the gringo,” from my next door neighbor Lou Genovese (shh, don’t tell), and Murphy and i are watching it tonight.

seriously, i. can. not. wait.

also, it will help to take my mind off of missing gran’s funeral this afternoon. as if i would ever step foot in an sspx chapel again. whatever.

marathon men (and women)

Posted in anger, blogging, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2012 by troll ii

Tobias: “where does the hate come from, bill?”
White Power Bill: “the jews, i guess.”
–tv drama arrested development

when you’re right as often as i am, and others are wrong as often as they are, you find that you can never assume that there is anyone who will be right even most of the time. in fact, the best of the best get stuff wrong, and that’s why i’m here, to correct them.

i get so many questions about whether this is ok, or whether that is heretical, and i’d love to be able to point people in someone else’s direction and just say, “go ask him (or her), because they get it and you can trust them.” but i can’t do that. all i can say is, “trust no one. except me, of course. because i’m right. but i’m the only one.”

you see, then, that being right all the time isn’t just emotionally and psychologically draining because you have to correct all the other people who are so wrong, but it’s also draining because of how isolated you feel, and because of how many people you have to give right answers to, and because of how much motivation you have to cultivate to have the energy to do this, day in and day out.

maybe now you understand why i’m feeling so burned out.

although i cannot commend all the content of what you find in their writings, i want to take a few minutes and acknowledge the men and women who have been and are (now more than ever before) an inspiration to me to keep cultivating my self-righteous rage and my disgust at everything that doesn’t look or sound quite right to me. i must confess that these fine writers have, at times, been on the receiving end of my own verbal assaults. i do not apologize for this, but confess it to make clear how great-souled these heroes truly are: they have fought with me, and they have been vanquished, but they have arisen to become indignant and malign others with a resiliency that fills me with awe.

as i have found the hard way, the race is long, and is in fact never over. as long as there are people on this earth, there will be people who are wrong, people who stand in need of correction. ours is a battle without end, a war without hope of victory, a raging of the night that will nonetheless never go quietly.

to you, brothers and sisters in self-appointed judgment, i give my gratitude and admiration:

Steve Kellmeyer, you were the first to show me that you can always find fault with someone about something.

Randy Engel, you are a constant reminder that we are to hate both the sinner and the sin.

The Brothers Dimond, shine on!

Bob Sungenis, never forget that you are my sun: bright, warm, and not at all at the center of my universe.

honorable mention:

Dale and the gang at New Oxford Review, you’ve done better in the past, but you’re still dear to my heart, and i wish you a quick recovery.

there are, to be sure, many many more that are deserving of thanks. but it is to these few, these happy few, that i have often turned for inspiration when i’m feeling like i simply don’t have anything left to spew.

so to you few, i thank you.

time to admit it: i need help

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", pope michael, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2012 by troll ii

the other day i was on catholic answers forums, trying to muster up the will to provoke a bunch of pseduo-catholics into a dispute over the vile and degrading practice of nfp, when i noticed that an old post of mine had finally gotten a response, and a good one at that.

this response was actually so good that i didn’t know what to say in reply. it was from a young, married mother of two, and she had so completely dismantled my false-flag lambasting of real Catholic nfp critics that i was, literally, speechless. she even linked to his holiness, pope michael i.

i thought to myself, “sweet cardinal siri, this lady is the real deal!” but when i clicked on her profile i realized i was looking at a ghost account that *i* had created months ago, as part of a separate project to “raise concern” over the orthodoxy, and sexuality, of a certain apologist whose name rhymes with “schmim schmaples.”

i sat there with mouth agape, aghast that i had fallen prey to the intricate interweb of trolling deceit woven by myself. i truly was, and am, a formidable opponent.

the fact is that i’m probably in too deep. i’ve been trolling for so long, hiding behind so many fake personae, using so many different proxy servers, and ghosting so many legitimate commenters’ ip addresses, that sometimes i can’t remember what my own positions are, or even who i am. Murphy says this kind of talk just doesn’t sound like me, and maybe he’s right, but how can i know for sure?

they say that the first step toward recovery is admitting you a have a problem.

well then, non-exhaustively and in no particular order: My name is…

  1. Troll II
  2. Mark Shea’s Boyfriend     
  3. Mantilla Vs. Mothra    
  4. ModestyPolice
  5. FatiMom
  6. Christopher West’s Love Child
  7. FoxxyOrthodoxxy   
  8. TheBlackSheepDogAteMyHomework
  9. ChristendomAlum97
  10. DontQuitYourOpusDayJob
  11. Simcha’s Trousers    
  12. Ora Pro Voris
  13. Scott Hahn’s Colon    
  14. The Wandererer
  15. NFP-ness
  16. FrGrunerFanBoy
  17. Colleen Hammond’s Underoos   
  18. Ha!MedjuLook
  19. SaintStrongBad
  20. SungenisGroupie4Life   
  21. Justine Schmiesing
  22. Pro Paucis
  23. AntiDentite08
  24. FSSPFratBoy81
  25. EMichaelJonesforPresident 
  26. Fr. Fessio’s Eyebrows
  27. FrZisMyHomeboy 
  28. FlamingCharismatic04
  29. SedeVacantisaurusRex
  30. PhatimaChick99
  31. Mel Gibson Was Right
  32. Matthew Kelly   
  33. DimondBrosBeforeHoes
  34. EWTNSoldMyMomsWheelchair
  35. WeigelNeoConJob
  36. VortexSwordofTruth11 

… and i’m a trollaholic.

don’t get me wrong, i’m not apologizing. i’m simply asking that you REAL Catholics out there pray for me that i would know what to do.

going to the vet (UPDATED)

Posted in Murphy with tags , , , on May 10, 2012 by troll ii

i’m taking off work for the morning to bring Murphy in to see the vet. he’s had sort of a bad attitude recently, and i think he might be sick. between a constantly twitching left eye, a rash under his tail, multiple (yes, multiple) inexplicable attempts to bite my neighbor, Lou Genovese, and the occasional racist remark, Murphy just doesn’t seem to be his usual self.

i guess that makes two of us.

buck up, pal, you’ll be back on your paws in no time.

if he’s still feeling down after getting checked out, i think we might head over to the mall and take a peek at the new batch of hamster toys that just arrived at the pet store. Murphy’s birthday is coming up in June, and some shiny new tubes for the ol’ hamster palace might be just what the doctor ordered.

UPDATE

home at last. the vet visit went fine. i think. they drew some blood and they’re going to run some tests to see what might be bothering Murphy. i should know more by this weekend.

as promised, after the visit Murphy and i went to the mall to grab some soft pretzels and check out what hamster goodies the pet store had. i bought him a special activity extension for his (admittedly) over-extended palace of a habitat.

as you can see, there is lots for Murphy to do with this.

i actually don’t know where the best place for the new extension is, but i’m sure we’ll figure something out and post the finished product to these glorious internets.

in the mean time, here’s a look at Murphy’s habitat in its present state.

Murphy’s modest abode, the envy of hamsters the world over

sometimes i think i may be going a little overboard with things, but then i look into Murphy’s adorable eyes and think, “how could i say no to this hamster?”

“can we watch more youtube videos of the dimond brothers, please?”