sooo, Murphy supposedly finished the last of his therapy sessions and sensitivity training courses yesterday afternoon.
i say “supposedly,” because even though he won’t be demanding to commandeer the computer for 50 minutes at a time to skype with his counselor/discussion-facilitator, Belinda Geach, there doesn’t seem to be any abatement of “therapy-related activities” for the foreseeable future. awesome.
what are these activities, you ask, and why do i sound so exasperated by their continuation? well, i’ll tell you.
1. working out. somehow Murphy’s gotten it into his head that “a sound mind needs a sound body,” so he’s constantly wanting to work out. and i mean constantly. what’s worse, he wants me to work out with him. honestly, there is little that i hate more than physical exercise. heck, that’s half the reason i choose to spend all my time in front of the computer.
“can’t we go back inside, Murphy, to the welcome glow of the monitor and my fluorescent basement lights?”
2. eating right. working out, while truly horrible, is only half the equation. “garbage in, garbage out,” he says, so now he threatens hunger strikes when i don’t provide him with enough high quality (and high-priced) organic vegetables. aside from the damage it’s doing to my wallet, he’s getting to be so stuck up about it, i can hardly stand it.
Murphy, at a fatter, happier, less snobbish time
3. relaxation exercises. Murphy has given me a hard time for a while now about my, um, issues with regularity, and now he’s feeling sufficiently “empowered” by his therapist’s encouragement to talk my ear off about the benefits of relaxation exercises. he says they’ll be good for my heart and bowels alike. ha! and he says i’m full of it.
dear john: let’s face it, we will never be friends
4. bleeding heart. don’t get me wrong, i was all for eradicating his racist tendencies, but Murphy’s newfound “sensitivity” is beginning to sound an awful lot like mercy and compassion for others, which i really can’t stand. next thing you know he’ll want to start “occupying” this or that and then he’ll propose canvassing for Barack Obama. i sure hope it doesn’t come to that, because if so, it’ll be time for some change in the hamster department.
(see what i did there?)
5. political correctness. as i mentioned before, Murphy’s training has led him to become increasing skittish about anything that can be construed as racist or anti-semitic, and it’s gotten to the point where his fervor for Mel Gibson is beginning to wane. he actually fell asleep during “the patriot” the other night. i know, i couldn’t believe it either. also, i think that he may have intentionally befouled my copy of “the protocols of the elders of zion.” absolutely heinous.
is there any way you could say “no” to this man?
6. luuuv. now that he’s getting his figure back, Murphy has been pestering me to consider acquiring another, female hamster. you know, for “companionship.” i don’t know how i feel about this, not only because then i wouldn’t have him around to hang out with as much, but also because i have no idea what the moral boundaries on this are. my main guide on all moral questions is the “moral theology” of SAINT Alphonsus Liguori, but he doesn’t have anything at all to say about sexual ethics for hamsters. any suggestions? Murphy’s getting pretty antsy, if you know what i mean.
“omigosh, Troll, just give me an answer already!”
7. meddling. since “becoming all the hamster he can be,” Murphy has taken it upon himself to point out all the areas where he thinks i need self-improvement. as if. the fact is, i’m practically perfect in every way, and i don’t need anyone telling me otherwise. if he’s not advising me to use capital letters in my blog posts, he’s telling me i need to get back in the dating game. he just never gives it a rest anymore. which is convenient, seeing as how he helped to scare away my last girlfriend with his offensive remarks.
crescat, come back, you can blame it all on me
i’m obviously in a bad mood, and i reserve the right to take back everything bad i’ve said about Murphy, should he happen to start acting normal again or should my medication actually start to kick in. for the time being, though, i’m as angry and irritated as ever.
for additional (but less put-upon) takes, slam it here.