Archive for Mark Shea

it takes a big man to apologize…

Posted in anger with tags , , , , , on June 6, 2013 by troll ii

AP file photo of Mark Shea in happier, hairier, and seemingly less culpable times

… and  it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man, amiright?

though i’m not quite halfway through the unread news items in my reader, i did happen to notice Shea’s recent apology for being a bitter betty.

personally, i’ve always been a fan of his bitterness, and i think it’s safe to say that he’d do better apologizing for his innumerable other failings, but i suppose it’s as good a start as any.

based on the comments section, it seems as though Shea has opted not to further condemn Live Action for lying, heresy, scandal, child abuse, tax evasion, and bestiality until he’s had the chance to speak with Lila Rose, which for someone like Shea is an awfully magnanimous gesture.

lest anyone think that this is a sign of repentance or a genuine change of heart on Shea’s part, please allow to submit the following baseless conspiracy theory irrefutable evidence:

i have it on good authority that Shea was shown footage of an undercover sting operating in which a disgruntled former combox denizen was tricked into divulging details of a nefarious plot against the Great [fake] Catholic Grenache himself.

screen grab of incriminating surveillance footage in question

i also have it on good authority (though i can’t say by what authority) that Shea plans next week to re-embrace the first edition of the CCC and launch a new book in defense of lying when doing undercover work.

in the mean time, my sources say he’s keeping a fairly low profile and is under the protection of a top-secret security detail provided gratis by Deacon “The Body Guard” JR (recently returned to duty from an extended lenten retirement).

how very convenient.

past grievances aside, i do sorta hope that Shea is able to neutralize this threat and quickly return to providing his trademark simplistic take on intractably difficult moral issues. in my experience, black and white is so much easier to deal with than shades of gray, especially when it involves getting to condemn others.

greatest blogger alive – UPDATED

Posted in blogging, real catholic with tags , , , , on January 29, 2013 by troll ii

no, please, hold your applause, i have so much more to say

while Mark Shea is busy wringing his hands over cults of celebrity and how to avoid them (as if he really needs to worry about that), i am pleased to announce that my own cult of celebrity is steadily waxing.

and i don’t mean the bad kind

yup, not only am i currently in negotiations to be the newest a-list blogger at “Patheos,” but i’ve also received numerous nominations for the “Sheenazing Blogger Awards,” which are, um, uh, well i don’t know what exactly they are. but i wants them. i wants them all.

“Hey how come Mark Shea didn’t get any nominations? Sorry, stupid question.”

although i feel pretty confident that i’m a lock to win every category, i do want to encourage all of my many loyal readers to support my candidacy, voting both early and often.

together we can show these fools what REALcatholic™ winning really looks like.

UPDATE

well, it turns out that i didn’t win anything at all. in all three of the stupid “sheenazing” categories for which i was nominated, i lost out to folks whose subscriber numbers are in the thousands. i don’t mean to whine and moan and be a sore loser, but THIS IS AN INJUSTICE!!!

and, to add insult to injury, the winner of “best blog by a catholic man” was none other than bad catholic, who is barely even pubescent. as if that makes any sense at all.

in her mass email to all the “losers” of the awards, awards host Bonnie thanked us for participating and encouraged us to try to get more readers, “because otherwise there’s just no way you’re ever going to be able to compete against the juggernauts of Simcha Fisher, Jen Fulwiler, Bad Catholic, and Like Mother Like Daughter. And the competition will only get fiercer: next year I’m planning to add Fr. Z and @pontifex, and maybe even Facebook, Wikipedia, and Google, which aren’t really blogs, but are still very popular. More popular than you’ll ever be anyway.”

well played Bonnie, well played.

and now there’s nothing left for me to do but go sit in a dark corner and cry burning tears of shame, self-loathing, and resentment.

“Looking for tears? Let me take a stab at it.”

oh great, awards season… (UPDATED)

Posted in blogging, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2013 by troll ii

three trophies for the cheat!

last night it was the golden globes (i watched “Downton” instead, of course).

we’ll have the grammys in a couple of weeks (shouldn’t that end in “-ies”?).

then come the oscars. whoopie.

oh and finally, come late march, we’ll have the “2013 About.com Catholicism Reader’s Choice Awards.” from what i understand, it’s not an awards show per se. but that doesn’t mean i won’t be dressing up.

why, you ask? well because i’ve been nominated for “Best Catholic Blog” (by none other than my best friend Turk Sorensen), and seeing as how mine is the only REALcatholic™ blog on the interwebs, i figure i’m a shoe-in, right?

well i should be, anyway. i don’t need to tell you how awesome this blog is, or how much you should probably donate to keep operations here afloat (hint: till it hurts so much that Mark Shea starts protesting it as a form of torture).

.

.

no, i know i won’t win. those who tell the truth never do. instead we suffer in silence and obscurity. IN SILENCE AND OBSCURITY I TELL YOU!!!

back when i first started this thing, when i was still seeing you-know-who, i thought that maybe i’d be able to rig some sort of upset and score a 2012 Cannonball Catholic Blog Award. alas, she ditched the awards altogether this past year, probably just to spite me.

figures.

maybe if i had more colorful backgrounds or lots of sweet animated .gifs, then i’d get the attention and acclaim that i deserve…

UPDATE

after a great deal of thought, i’ve decided to start my own awards for best REALcatholic™ blog. the award badge, inspired by the above-liked sites, looks something like this:

i know, pretty sweet, right?

you needn’t worry about nominations or voting, since there’s really only one blog in contention at the moment. i suppose that i’d be willing to consider additional entries (e.g., were E. Michael Jones or Michael Voris to start blogging regularly), but for the time being, i’m it, folks.

stay angry, my friends.

i ♥ Karl Keating

Posted in fake "catholics", laughter, real catholic with tags , , , , , on January 3, 2013 by troll ii

“Hi, you may remember me as the dad from ‘Harry and the Hendersons.'”

i know that he and i have had our disagreements in the past, but i need to give a shout-out to my main man Karl Keating, travel and relaxation aficionado and president of (fake) “Catholic” Answers.

why these mad props, you ask?

well not only did he admirably come to the defense of living saint and future doctor of the church Michael Voris, but he did it by showing that he has absolutely no sense of humor at all. truly a man after my own heart.

from his comment over at *shudder* Mark Shea’s blog:

The reviewer starts by referring to “the Michael Voris Love Boat.” That migth be acceptable if Voris were sponsoring a cruise for singles looking for spouses, but that isn’t at all what his video or ad say. A cheap shot.

The reviewer says that Voris “is going to charge the suckers who watch him thousands of dollars for a ‘retreat’ at sea. During Lent. That’s right. Thousand[s] of dollars spent to go on a spiritual retreat on a cruise ship with casinos and all night buffets.”

First of all, using “suckers” is another cheap shot.

Second, the fee isn’t “thousands of dollars” but just over one thousand dollars. (Can’t you read the man’s ad?)

Third, nearly all Catholic cruises, no matter what time of year, are held on big ships that have casinos. Big ships mean lower costs per person, and big ships universally have casinos. (On Catholic Answers cruises we just ignore the casinos and go about our own business.)

Fourth, “all night buffets”? I checked the description of this cruise at the Princess Cruises website and couldn’t find any reference to all-night buffets. Catholic Answers has used several cruise lines over the years (but not Princess), and none of them had an all-night buffet.

Granted, Lent doesn’t seem the best time of year to set a cruise (maybe Voris chose March because the rates are low then), but–unlike something claimed in the comments above–his group won’t be partying on the ship on Good Friday–because Good Friday is on March 29, and his cruise ends 12 days earlier! Still another cheap shot.

I don’t object to criticizing Voris when criticism is due (which is often enough, I’m afraid), but let’s play fair, shall we? Don’t make things up, and don’t exaggerate. Cheap shots (which are mainly plain old falsehoods) don’t bring any credit to their authors.

from what i can tell, Keating is responding here to an over-the-top “humor” piece poking fun at the Voris cruise, which was posted on the deplorably funny Simcha Fisher’s blog. (she’s Jewish, you know.) and not only did he do a good thing, and do it in a good way, but by calling attention to this blasphemy, Keating passive-aggressivley helped to stoke the ire of Voris-lovers the world over, resulting in a deluge of demands to the “National Catholic Register” (Fisher’s employer) to have her either killed or deported.

“Surely, I’m in no way responsible for the violent tribal responses of my faithful youtube followers.”

at the end of the day, i’m just glad that Keating had the integrity to speak truth to power, no matter the cost.

(speaking of cost, for $1,567 to $11,012 per person, you can still book a room on an upcoming Catholic Answers Cruise at, wait for it, catholicanswerscruise.com.)

electile dysfunction and the post-election blues

Posted in real catholic, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on December 11, 2012 by troll ii

as i alluded the other day, my most recent hiatus from blogging was the product of several factors, among which must be included the presidential election, and its run-up and aftermath. i’m not gonna lie, i’ve been a wreck.

i should probably back up.

you may recall that, over the summer, i had pledged my vote to Mel Gibson. obviously, it’s not that i thought he had a chance of winning, but simply that i liked his style and his beliefs. well, i liked them more than those of the other “viable” candidates anyway.

“Voting for me is, surprisingly, a highly rational decision, in light of the alternatives.”

although there was a brief flirtation with Mitt Romney, based largely on his Mormon brand of sedevacantism, i just couldn’t bring myself to vote for him. but then, i saw that Mark Shea wasn’t going to vote for Romney either, so i knew i needed to change my mind again, since it felt too weird to me to agree with Shea in anything.

i was really torn. on the one hand, i didn’t want to just spill my vote upon the ground and, um, wash my hands of electoral responsibility, since surely any vote that wasn’t for Romney was a vote for Obama (who i can’t stand). but on the other hand, i thought that maybe Obama wouldn’t be so bad after all. i mean, in light of his attitude of antagonism toward the novus ordo shamchurch, and his explicit support of sharia law, i thought a second term might just be enough to spark a full-scale muslim takeover, which would of course both unmask all the fake “catholics” and ensure that women everywhere would never wear anything immodest again. win-win.

the perfect gift for all the soon-to-be-persecuted catholics on your christmas gift list, yes?

i still didn’t know who exactly to vote for, though. it wasn’t going to be Romney or Obama. or Gibson or anyone else i had previously considered. i thought about writing in Murphy’s name, but the fact is that i don’t particularly agree with his foreign policy.

i was stumped. stymied. at an utter loss.

and then, an epiphany! a came across a fantastic blog post by a fellow by the name of “Zippy Catholic,” whose main point seemed to be that any vote for any candidate is an act of idolatry. voting isn’t a mere show of support, it’s an act of latria–a “pinch of incense” he called it!!

it all made so much sense, and i felt so free.

why couldn’t i find a candidate to vote for, when everyone else around was getting excited, or least finding the willingness to hold their noses for, this guy or that? i hadn’t realized it before, but it was because i have kept the true faith while everyone else had fallen away!!! my sense of self-righteousness had perhaps never been so strong. i was on top of the world, looking down my nose at all the reprobate around me.

it was not to last, however.

the morning after the election, after i had smugly refused to vote, i happened to see a picture of good ol’ Mitt, looking sad and broken-hearted, and i suddenly realized what i had done. Iowa, my home state, had gone blue, and i couldn’t help but think that if i had just been willing to do a little more, perhaps things would have turned out differently, and maybe, just maybe, we could’ve turned this country around.

is there any way you could say no to this man?

“You didn’t think robots could cry, did you? Well, I had a firmware update, and now I can.”

i racked my brain for the next two weeks or so, trying to think of what i could have done to alter this outcome. i mean, i know i’m only one man, but surely i could’ve made an impact and changed some minds. maybe if i had picked more fights on the facebook, or been more political in my blog postings, or put bumper stickers on my car.

now that i’m a bit more removed from things, i figure it probably wasn’t that big of a deal that i didn’t vote. nor would it have been that big a deal if i had voted, regardless of what Skippy Catholic says.

i do wish that i had picked more fights on the facebook. one never regrets those.

interview with “bad catholic”

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2012 by troll ii

“I told him, ‘Listen, I read “Home Sweet Rome,” what more proof could you need that I’m a Catholic?'”

no, not him. this one:

“You might remember me from ‘Harry Potter.'”

remember way back when, when i was trying to interview/profile Mark Shea for Brandon Vogt’s “support a [fake] catholic speaker” month, and he wouldn’t let me, and i went on strike, and no one knew because i didn’t actually tell anyone i was going on strike until after the fact?

well then, it turns out that Brandon decided to give the assignment to none other than Mark’s fellow Patheos blogger Marc Barnes, a.k.a. “Bad Catholic,” formerly known as “Baby G.K.,” and before that, “Fetus et Ratio.”

i was curious to learn more about this “Bad Catholic,” so i contacted him. and despite his insanely busy schedule, Marc graciously accepted my request for me to interview him (provided that it was ok with his parents, which it was). our exchange follows after the jump.

Continue reading

i can has ur money plz?

Posted in blogging, real catholic with tags , , , , , , on December 7, 2012 by troll ii

all ur monies plz

though i normally avoid all things smacking of filthy lucre, i have recently come to the conclusion that it is probably my right, as a blogger, to receive cash money for services i render to you, my otherwise seemingly ungrateful readers.

what makes me so special? well, aside from the fact that i’m quite possibly the only real catholic left on earth (and hence should be followed and supported unquestioningly), my blog is very informative and interesting. it includes many pictures, and lots of links. and my important and correct opinions about stuff.

i don’t think you appreciate how awesome this blog really is

in short, it says things, and you read these things. and sometimes you even share these things with your friends on the facebooks, and then they read these things.

but what’s in it for me? there’s the fame and adulation, yes, and the undying hatred of my enemies, sure, but at the end of the day, i’m just a guy struggling to make ends meet.

i’ve noticed that many far less interesting (and less orthodox) bloggers seem to have a great deal of success “pointing to the open guitar case,” or “rattling the tin cup,” or “reminding readers weekly to donate donate donate,” so i figured, “why not me?”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgrD-8b53AM]

i don’t know how to add a “donate” button, or any button for that matter, to my sidebar, so i’m just doing to include it below.

in all seriousness, please help. i’ve got bills to pay and ramen to buy and a vitally important cruise retreat to go on this upcoming March:

hopefully Michael Voris will stay fully clothed. what?

.

.

thanks, in advance, for all the financial help that i know you will provide. i will remember you all when i’m drinking a mai tai and showing off my Vorinator tattoo pool-side.

(update after the jump…)

Continue reading