Archive for Michael Voris

it is your destiny

Posted in anger, blogging with tags , on January 22, 2013 by troll ii

feeling angry about something? maybe you should blog about it…

sometimes i worry that i am losing the battle for the hearts and minds of this wicked generation. that no one really listens to me, since i maybe come off a bit strange.

you know, nuts. crackers. cray cray.

i wonder if perhaps my anger towards others is off-putting. if my fixation on what constitutes REALcatholic™ orthodoxy might turn readers away.

it can be very lonely, really, bearing the responsibility for publicly calling others out. but the upside is that when you express your anger and self-righteous indignation, you often engender similar reactions in others, either out of support or opposition.

they become like petulant little children, and you take a certain quasi-parental pride in knowing that you helped to bring their anger out into the world.

i myself haven’t had much success with this of late, since no one takes me seriously, but i do enjoy watching from a distance as aggression and indignation beget more of the same.

“Good. Use your aggressive feelings. Let the hate flow through you.”

i know i’m probably a little late with this, but i didn’t want to miss the opportunity to warmly welcome Calah Alexander and her commenters to the dark side. if ever you think of leaving, my friends, just recall to mind how much there is to be angry about.

Finally, brethren, whatever is false, whatever is shameful, whatever is unjust, whatever is impure, whatever is ugly, whatever is unwanted, if there is any failing, if there is anything worthy of condemnation, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, do; and the spirit of perturbation will be with you.

oh great, awards season… (UPDATED)

Posted in blogging, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2013 by troll ii

three trophies for the cheat!

last night it was the golden globes (i watched “Downton” instead, of course).

we’ll have the grammys in a couple of weeks (shouldn’t that end in “-ies”?).

then come the oscars. whoopie.

oh and finally, come late march, we’ll have the “2013 About.com Catholicism Reader’s Choice Awards.” from what i understand, it’s not an awards show per se. but that doesn’t mean i won’t be dressing up.

why, you ask? well because i’ve been nominated for “Best Catholic Blog” (by none other than my best friend Turk Sorensen), and seeing as how mine is the only REALcatholic™ blog on the interwebs, i figure i’m a shoe-in, right?

well i should be, anyway. i don’t need to tell you how awesome this blog is, or how much you should probably donate to keep operations here afloat (hint: till it hurts so much that Mark Shea starts protesting it as a form of torture).

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no, i know i won’t win. those who tell the truth never do. instead we suffer in silence and obscurity. IN SILENCE AND OBSCURITY I TELL YOU!!!

back when i first started this thing, when i was still seeing you-know-who, i thought that maybe i’d be able to rig some sort of upset and score a 2012 Cannonball Catholic Blog Award. alas, she ditched the awards altogether this past year, probably just to spite me.

figures.

maybe if i had more colorful backgrounds or lots of sweet animated .gifs, then i’d get the attention and acclaim that i deserve…

UPDATE

after a great deal of thought, i’ve decided to start my own awards for best REALcatholic™ blog. the award badge, inspired by the above-liked sites, looks something like this:

i know, pretty sweet, right?

you needn’t worry about nominations or voting, since there’s really only one blog in contention at the moment. i suppose that i’d be willing to consider additional entries (e.g., were E. Michael Jones or Michael Voris to start blogging regularly), but for the time being, i’m it, folks.

stay angry, my friends.

when you’re alone, and life is making you lonely…

Posted in mel gibson, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , on January 9, 2013 by troll ii

…you can always go, er, “downton.”

yup, this has to be about the absolute worst time of year for me. and yet, even amidst the darkest clouds there has shone for me once again the radiant splendor of BBC’s masterpiece “downton abbey,” the third season of which began state-side just last sunday night.

of course, since the season has already aired in its entirety across the pond, i’ve been made all too well aware of the various twists and turns that the show will take (not only will Lady Sybil die in childbirth, but apparently Cousin Matthew will meet some sort of demise as well, since he’s not coming back for season four). *grumble, grumble.*

i know, i know, all you haters out there are going to say that the show is little more than fancily designed and rather well acted soap opera, with no real story or character development to speak of. a period dramady of manners, suited solely for the shallowly nostalgic and historically ignorant. and for women and effeminate men.

but you are wrong, wrong i say!

i mean, how can this show possibly be a soap opera, or just for women? they use british accents, for gosh sakes! british accents!!

“We Brits like our men manly. Oh, and they’ve gotta have faith faith faith.”

in a way, “downton” reminds me of my own passion for the real faith in the face of heresy: we’re presented with a rich and beautiful heritage from the past, as it actually was, before we were sold a bill of goods by modernism and modernity, before things were turned upside down through vulgarization. as you can see from every episode of “downton,” there were hardly any real problems in those days, before the cultural revolution, before vatican ii.

one could say, i suppose, that “downton” is to pre-war england what my preferred view of tradition is to pre-conciliar catholicism. oh, how i love them both.

if hollywood weren’t so hopelessly evil (and full of jews), i daresay i would love to see a period drama done on the church in her glory years, back when everything was in latin, and the men were men, and the women were modest and silent.

think of it!

seriously, can’t someone get Barbara Nicolosi and Mel Gibson to team up on this? Michael Voris could even co-star!!

“Tell Babs that I was never really serious about that Maccabees film, you know.”

new Michael Voris movie?

Posted in real catholic with tags , , , , , , on January 6, 2013 by troll ii

whilst innocently surfing the interwebs earlier today, i happened upon a web advertisement for a film called “The Sessions,” which, insofar as it lacks Mel Gibson, would ordinarily not pique my interest at all.

upon looking at the advertisement more closely, however, i noticed that the film appears to star several other characters of interest, namely, noted sailor and self-proclaimed defensor fidei Michael Voris, woman-of-my-dreams Helen Hunt, and blogging bad-boy Max Lindenman of Patheos infamy.

“I was originally up for the Helen Hunt role.”

“Max who?” you’re probably asking.

it doesn’t matter, no one else has heard of him either.

what i want to know is how comes i’m only hearing about all this now?

on the one hand, i’ve been saying for years that Michael Voris would be a great film star. he’s such a natural, and that hair! on the other hand, i’m legitimately disturbed that Voris now seems willing to have dealings with an associate of the absolutely awful Patheos, and it is making me seriously reconsider my planned lenten cruise retreat.

“‘Patheos’? more like, um, you get the idea…”

help me out here, dear readers. does anyone know what the movie’s about? does the title have anything to do with Michael Voris fighting heresy during the sessions of a certain heretical church council? does  Voris’s character kill, maim, or otherwise attack those with whom he disagrees? what about Voris’s supporters? because they’re always doing that sort of thing, amiright?

i ♥ Karl Keating

Posted in fake "catholics", laughter, real catholic with tags , , , , , on January 3, 2013 by troll ii

“Hi, you may remember me as the dad from ‘Harry and the Hendersons.'”

i know that he and i have had our disagreements in the past, but i need to give a shout-out to my main man Karl Keating, travel and relaxation aficionado and president of (fake) “Catholic” Answers.

why these mad props, you ask?

well not only did he admirably come to the defense of living saint and future doctor of the church Michael Voris, but he did it by showing that he has absolutely no sense of humor at all. truly a man after my own heart.

from his comment over at *shudder* Mark Shea’s blog:

The reviewer starts by referring to “the Michael Voris Love Boat.” That migth be acceptable if Voris were sponsoring a cruise for singles looking for spouses, but that isn’t at all what his video or ad say. A cheap shot.

The reviewer says that Voris “is going to charge the suckers who watch him thousands of dollars for a ‘retreat’ at sea. During Lent. That’s right. Thousand[s] of dollars spent to go on a spiritual retreat on a cruise ship with casinos and all night buffets.”

First of all, using “suckers” is another cheap shot.

Second, the fee isn’t “thousands of dollars” but just over one thousand dollars. (Can’t you read the man’s ad?)

Third, nearly all Catholic cruises, no matter what time of year, are held on big ships that have casinos. Big ships mean lower costs per person, and big ships universally have casinos. (On Catholic Answers cruises we just ignore the casinos and go about our own business.)

Fourth, “all night buffets”? I checked the description of this cruise at the Princess Cruises website and couldn’t find any reference to all-night buffets. Catholic Answers has used several cruise lines over the years (but not Princess), and none of them had an all-night buffet.

Granted, Lent doesn’t seem the best time of year to set a cruise (maybe Voris chose March because the rates are low then), but–unlike something claimed in the comments above–his group won’t be partying on the ship on Good Friday–because Good Friday is on March 29, and his cruise ends 12 days earlier! Still another cheap shot.

I don’t object to criticizing Voris when criticism is due (which is often enough, I’m afraid), but let’s play fair, shall we? Don’t make things up, and don’t exaggerate. Cheap shots (which are mainly plain old falsehoods) don’t bring any credit to their authors.

from what i can tell, Keating is responding here to an over-the-top “humor” piece poking fun at the Voris cruise, which was posted on the deplorably funny Simcha Fisher’s blog. (she’s Jewish, you know.) and not only did he do a good thing, and do it in a good way, but by calling attention to this blasphemy, Keating passive-aggressivley helped to stoke the ire of Voris-lovers the world over, resulting in a deluge of demands to the “National Catholic Register” (Fisher’s employer) to have her either killed or deported.

“Surely, I’m in no way responsible for the violent tribal responses of my faithful youtube followers.”

at the end of the day, i’m just glad that Keating had the integrity to speak truth to power, no matter the cost.

(speaking of cost, for $1,567 to $11,012 per person, you can still book a room on an upcoming Catholic Answers Cruise at, wait for it, catholicanswerscruise.com.)

i can has ur money plz?

Posted in blogging, real catholic with tags , , , , , , on December 7, 2012 by troll ii

all ur monies plz

though i normally avoid all things smacking of filthy lucre, i have recently come to the conclusion that it is probably my right, as a blogger, to receive cash money for services i render to you, my otherwise seemingly ungrateful readers.

what makes me so special? well, aside from the fact that i’m quite possibly the only real catholic left on earth (and hence should be followed and supported unquestioningly), my blog is very informative and interesting. it includes many pictures, and lots of links. and my important and correct opinions about stuff.

i don’t think you appreciate how awesome this blog really is

in short, it says things, and you read these things. and sometimes you even share these things with your friends on the facebooks, and then they read these things.

but what’s in it for me? there’s the fame and adulation, yes, and the undying hatred of my enemies, sure, but at the end of the day, i’m just a guy struggling to make ends meet.

i’ve noticed that many far less interesting (and less orthodox) bloggers seem to have a great deal of success “pointing to the open guitar case,” or “rattling the tin cup,” or “reminding readers weekly to donate donate donate,” so i figured, “why not me?”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgrD-8b53AM]

i don’t know how to add a “donate” button, or any button for that matter, to my sidebar, so i’m just doing to include it below.

in all seriousness, please help. i’ve got bills to pay and ramen to buy and a vitally important cruise retreat to go on this upcoming March:

hopefully Michael Voris will stay fully clothed. what?

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thanks, in advance, for all the financial help that i know you will provide. i will remember you all when i’m drinking a mai tai and showing off my Vorinator tattoo pool-side.

(update after the jump…)

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a church militant of one

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", jews, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2012 by troll ii

these days it seems like all the so-called “catholics” are either heathens, heretics, or apostates. or in a boy band.

yup, that’s The Jerk on the far left, before he made his bones making fun of fat chicks on the interwebs. very classy.

like i mentioned last week, it gets sometimes that i don’t even know if i can accurately use the plural when i talk about real catholics.

how i feel–it’s like a Joe Biden rally up in here, or a miami dolphins game

now don’t get me wrong, i know that i’m not the only real catholic there is, because all the unsmiling members of the church triumphant and suffering are totes my peeps. i am saying, however, that when it comes to the church militant, i’ve come to believe i’m an army of one.

you know, like the military tv ad from a few years back.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTnwORzObu0]

i’d like to think that when i’m scaling figurative mountains and figuratively sniping literal enemies and literally drinking the sweat from my own socks, i’m actually just the advance man for an awesome real catholic special forces unit. this is why i trolled in the past, and it’s why i blog now. because i want followers, tens of thousands of followers.

AP file photo of how i like to imagine myself, leading a massive army of chinamen, er, real catholics

the problem with this scenario, of course, is that a church militant of any real size requires obedience, which has never been something i’ve prized, not even from folks who would be following me.

also, it turns out that my preferred domain name, churchmilitant.tv, is already in use by the same toupee that wears Michael Voris.

hi there, you might remember me from such films as “no country for old men,” or “justin bieber: never say never,” or that time i died by the side of the road

though i had previously been quite high on Voris, i soured when i heard about his underground music video supporting rabbi David Goldberg, who is facing charges for violating germany’s new ban on circumcision. i’m not sure which is worse: that Voris seems to be abandoning his incipient anti-semitism, or that his video, a parody of Cyndi Lauper entitled “mohels just wanna have fun,” was clearly aimed at eliciting laughter. either way, color me disappointed.

i guess i’m stuck with no one but myself, a church militant of one.

oh right, and Murphy too.

“Your wheel! At fifteen m-p-h I roll out! I double back, grab one of ’em and beat it out of him! The uzi!”

yup, i am my own force.