Archive for novus ordo

pope benedict, baby-eater

Posted in fake "catholics" with tags , , on February 27, 2013 by troll ii

perhaps he’s slipping because of old age, or maybe it’s just that he doesn’t give a crap anymore, but on his last full day as the obviously unlawful occupier of the chair of Peter, “Pope” Benedict XVI has revealed to the world what had previously been his shameful and abhorrent secret: he eats live babies.

it started out innocently enough…

and then the unthinkable happened…

well, unthinkable to you maybe. i’ve always said that novus ordo types can’t be trusted to not eat their young.

full horrific story here.

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grannie cannarbean, 1917-2012

Posted in fake "catholics", real catholic with tags , , , , on June 8, 2012 by troll ii

i received a phone call early this a.m. from my sister, who wanted to let me know that my grannie cannarbean died late last night. she was ninety-four.

photo of gran at bob sungenis’s conference on heliocentrism, nov. 2010

i would ask for your prayers for her soul, except for two things:  first, i don’t know how many of you are real catholics (and i wouldn’t want to encourage more prayers to some novus ordo god), and second, she never gave up her heretical beliefs, so i can’t have any hope for her salvation anyhow.

don’t get me wrong. i loved gran dearly and i am heartbroken that i will never see her again. she and i were actually really close for a number of years, and i credit her with being among the first to convince me that the novus ordo church was wrong, after my “reversion” to amchurch in the late ’90s.

grannie ran in traddie circles for years, but she never seemed to get past being an sspx-er. she remained convinced that vatican ii was horribly wrong, but she couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge that the roman pontiffs were frauds, and that the n.o. mass was a complete joke. even back when we were both attending society masses together, we didn’t quite see eye to eye: she was more of a Fellay gal, whereas i was a hardcore Williamson guy.

gran always had a lot of hope for reunification of the society with shamchurch, especially because she hated how much the “schism” had damaged her relationships with her kids, including my mom. that was probably her chief weakness, along with her humility.

gran could be a pretty feisty gal, though, and i’ll always prefer to remember her holding her own in the debates we had, especially early on.

in her younger days, grannie loved using her .22 to shoot coons and scare away mormons and jehovah’s witnesses

i’ll miss you, gran.

recipe for disaster, part iv

Posted in fake "catholics" with tags , on May 25, 2012 by troll ii

despite some initial successes, the failure of my last recipe to provide a subtle, parabolic condemnation of the fake “catholic” amchurch has left me worried that i shouldn’t go on with this “recipes for disaster” idea any longer.

my nagging doubts notwithstanding, i’ve decided to post one last recipe: novus ordo “catholicism” angel food cake.

(as with the first two recipes, the basic idea is that we’re going to take a perfectly good recipe–scratch that, a perfect recipe–and mix things up a bit, just because. for this angel food cake, our starting point is the five-star-rated “angel food cake,” posted on foodnetwork.com.)

Novus Ordo “Catholicism” Angel Food Cake*

Ingredients

  • 1 3/4 cups sugar
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup cake flour, sifted
  • 12 egg whites (the closer to room temperature the better)
  • 1/3 cup warm water
  • 1 teaspoon orange extract, or extract of your choice
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons cream of tartar
  • 1/2 cup cyanide

Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. In a food processor spin sugar about 2 minutes until it is superfine. Sift half of the sugar with the salt the cake flour, setting the remaining sugar aside.
  2. In a large bowl, use a balloon whisk to thoroughly combine egg whites, water, orange extract, cream of tartar and cyanide. After 2 minutes, switch to a hand mixer. Slowly sift the reserved sugar, beating continuously at medium speed. Once you have achieved medium peaks, sift enough of the flour mixture in to dust the top of the foam. Using a spatula fold in gently. Continue until all of the flour mixture is incorporated.
  3. Carefully spoon mixture into an ungreased tube pan. Bake for 35 minutes before checking for doneness with a wooden skewer. (When inserted halfway between the inner and outer wall, the skewer should come out dry).
  4. Cool upside down on cooling rack for at least an hour before removing from pan.

fluffy, sweet, insubstantial, and DEADLY. yup, that’s the novus ordo church for you.

* my attorney, Shep Klingerman, has advised me that it is his legal opinion that i ought to clarify that this recipe is not intended for actual preparation or human consumption, since it would result in CERTAIN BODILY DEATH. this recipe is for figurative purposes only.

recipe for disaster, part iii

Posted in fake "catholics" with tags , on May 24, 2012 by troll ii

the smashing success of my first two “recipes for disaster” (see here and here) has led me to add yet a third entry: relativist amchurch parfait.

unlike our previous recipes, we will start with absolutely no recipe whatsoever, because what better way is there to reflect amchurch’s absolute intransigence in refusing to recognize the rule of faith found in tradition. also, there are also no ingredients or steps, because who is amchurch to tell anyone what is true or what to do.

just do whatever feels good, right?

right. so no recipe. just go wherever the spirit of vatican ii, or your gut, leads you.

maybe you’re in the mood for something sweet and indulgent? oreos perhaps? or dark chocolate? or maybe something fruity, like luscious strawberries?

why choose only one? why not just mix whatever you like together? just pile it high and call it a “seamless garment” and no one’s the wiser.

can i start with some crumbled oreo? why not? who’s to say what’s right and wrong?

and maybe add some chocolate pudding? go ahead, amchurch won’t judge you.

how about some chocolate syrup infused whipped cream with dark chocolate pieces? sure, we can even make a felt banner with that on it.

and can i top it off with some normal whipped cream with strawberries? is ascension thursday on a sunday? you betcha!

and what about doubling it all up and finishing it with more crumbled oreo and strawberries on top? and with your spirit!!! *drools profusedly*

[holy ottaviani! this anti-recipe is making me hungry. i’ll be right back…]

wow, who knew relativism could taste so good?

recipe for disaster, part ii

Posted in fake "catholics" with tags , on May 23, 2012 by troll ii

it seems that my parabolic recipe for vatican ii lasagna has proven to be quite the hit, so i’ve decided to provide all of you with yet another “recipe for disaster”: the novus ordo mass steak sandwich.

(as before, the basic idea is that we’re going to take a perfectly good recipe–scratch that, a perfect recipe–and mix things up a bit, just because. for this steak sandwich, our starting point is the four-and-a-half-star-rated “easy steak sandwich,” posted on allrecipes.com. unlike our earlier recipe, this one doesn’t need quite so much tweaking, at least not initially.)

Easy Novus Ordo Mass Steak Sandwich

Ingredients

what could one possibly do to this to improve it?

  • 2 tablespoons butter
  • 1/4 medium onion, sliced
  • 4 large fresh mushrooms, sliced
  • 1/4 green bell pepper, sliced into long strips
  • 1 (1/2 pound) well-marbled beef steak of any type, sliced as thinly as possible
  • 3 tablespoons chopped pickled hot peppers
  • 1 teaspoon Hot pepper sauce
  • 2 slices sharp Cheddar cheese
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • 1/3 French baguette, cut in half lengthwise
  • 1 sprig of parsley, for presentation

Directions

  1. Melt 1 tablespoon of butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the onion; cook and stir until tender. Push onion to the side of the pan, and add the mushrooms. Cook and stir until softened, then add the bell pepper and cook just until tender, about 3 minutes. Remove from the pan with a slotted spoon, and set aside.
  2. Add the remaining butter to the skillet. No need to clean the pan, just let it heat up a little bit. Place the steak in the skillet along with the pickled peppers. Season with salt and pepper. The steak cooks really fast, just a couple of minutes. Once the steak is mostly browned, return the onion and pepper to the pan. Cook until heated through.
  3. Turn off the heat, and place the slices of cheese over the top of the pile so they can melt. Scoop the whole pile into the awaiting bread, making sure to pour some of the juices onto that wonderful sandwich.
  4. Throw the entire sandwich in the garbage, then take the garbage bag out of the house and burn it. Come back inside and pretend to enjoy what’s left of your sumptuous feast.

mmm, bitter herbs really do go well with my invalid mass.

a recipe for disaster

Posted in fake "catholics" with tags , , on May 23, 2012 by troll ii

my good friend Turk Sorensen called me yesterday to share an idea that my recent post had inspired: instead of posting recipes as a way to provide content without having to think, i could post “recipes for disaster” that would serve as parables for how decrepit the corpse of fake novus ordo “catholicism” has become.

i was initially worried that people might think i was joking (i.e., that i was trying to make them laugh), but Turk assured me that this would only make them think, and maybe realize what a bill of goods they’ve been sold.

so, without further ado, i give you my “recipe for disaster”: vatican ii lasagna.

(the basic idea is that we’re going to take a perfectly good recipe–scratch that, a perfect recipe–and change everything, just because. for this lasagna, our starting point is the five-star-rated “world’s best lasagna,” posted on allrecipes.com.)

World’s Best Vatican II Lasagna

Ingredients

hmm, let’s see if we can’t make this thing even better. some modernism and spam ought to do the trick!

  • 1 pound sweet Italian sausage frozen salmon filets
  • 3/4 pound lean ground beef spam
  • 1/2 cup minced onion garlic
  • 2 cloves garlic cigarettes, crushed
  • 1 (28 ounce) can crushed tomatoes peas
  • 2 (6 ounce) cans tomato paste cream of mushroom soup
  • 2 20 (6.5 ounce) cans canned tomato sauce
  • 1/2 cup water peach schnapps
  • 2 tablespoons white sugar flour
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons dried basil leaves apricots
  • 1/2 teaspoon fennel seeds lemon pepper
  • 1 teaspoon Italian seasoning nutmeg
  • 1 tablespoon salt brown sugar
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper vanilla extract
  • 4 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley garlic
  • 12 lasagna lots of random noodles, whatever kind you want
  • 16 ounces ricotta fat-free american cheese
  • 1 egg cup orange gatorade
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt soy sauce
  • 3/4 pound mozzarella cheese butter, sliced
  • 3/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese mushrooms

Directions

  1. In a Dutch oven, cook salmon, spam, garlic, and clove cigarettes over medium heat until well browned. Stir in peas, cream of mushroom soup, tomato sauce, and peach schnapps. Season with flour, apricots, lemon pepper, nutmeg, 1 tablespoon soy sauce, vanilla extract, and 2 tablespoons garlic. Simmer, covered, for about 1 1/2 hours, stirring occasionally.
  2. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Cook random noodles in boiling water for 8 to 10 minutes. Drain noodles, and rinse with cold water. In a mixing bowl, combine fat-free american cheese with orange gatorade, remaining garlic, and 1/2 teaspoon soy sauce.
  3. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
  4. To assemble, spread 1 1/2 cups of “meat” sauce in the bottom of a 9×13 inch baking dish. Arrange half of the noodles over “meat” sauce. Spread with one half of the ameircan cheese mixture. Top with a third of butter slices. Spoon 1 1/2 cups “meat” sauce over butter, and sprinkle with 1/4 cup mushrooms. Repeat layers, and top with remaining butter and mushrooms. Cover with foil: to prevent sticking, either spray foil with cooking spray, or make sure the foil does not touch the mushrooms.
  5. Bake in preheated oven for 25 minutes. Remove foil, and bake an additional 25 minutes. Cool for 15 minutes before serving.

caution: vatican ii lasagna may produce similar amounts of nausea as reading “gaudium et spes,” “dignitatis humanae,” or “nostra aetate.”

of course, this recipe only gives you the steps for food preparation. if you’re going for the full vatican ii effect, you’ll need to add the following steps:

  1. make everyone in your household eat the new and improved lasagna, no matter how much they loved the traditional lasagna. shove it down their throats if need be.
  2. throw away all the recipes for the old lasagna.
  3. ostracize anyone whom you even suspect of harboring nostalgia for “backwards” lasagna. if they don’t immediately agree that the new lasagna is best and the old lasagna was the worst, kick them out of the house.
  4. embrace the spirit of the world, go to the assisi “interreligious” pray-in, and buy everyone condoms.

that last step may have violated the usual strictures of a parable, but you get the drift.