Archive for pope benedict xvi

“pope” resigns: the real story

Posted in blogging, real catholic with tags , , on February 28, 2013 by troll ii

my best friend, Turk Sorensen, invented this painting several weeks ago, as some sort of joke.

but now it would appear that it was actually something of a prophecy, since it was in fact announced just recently that “pope” Benedict XVI was resigning due to complications from his raging internet addiction.

while certain know-it-all “pundits” went on record saying that the pope had developed an incurable twitter dependency, i happen to know that the situation is a bit more complex than that.

while it is true that the resignation is directly linked to benedict’s recent introduction to the interwebs, it’s NOT for the “official” reasons being given. i.e., it is not social media sites that he’s hooked on, but rather traditionalist sites just like this one.

apparently, it all started when the “pope” got the bright idea of trolling some rad-trad sites, just for fun. bad idea. needless to say, it didn’t take long for him to realize that he wasn’t a real pope at all.

i started getting anonymous comments on this blog, written in a german accent, asking things like “vat should vone do if vone ist un anti-pope?” and “how does vone becomen un REALkatholik like zu, Troll zwei?”

i started sending him some books just after christmas–classics like John Vennari’s “The Permanent Instruction of the Alta Vendita,” fellow fake “pope” Michael I’s “Upon this Rock,” and “Cash” by Johnny Cash. the pope couldn’t get enough.

by the end of january, he knew that he was living a lie and couldn’t go on like this much longer. when he asked me for advice, i mentioned that Murphy had quietly retired to a monastery and was enjoying it greatly, and that perhaps he would like something like that too.

and the rest, as they say, is history.

Undated AP file photo of Pope Benedict XVI standing next to President Barack Obama.


pope benedict, baby-eater

Posted in fake "catholics" with tags , , on February 27, 2013 by troll ii

perhaps he’s slipping because of old age, or maybe it’s just that he doesn’t give a crap anymore, but on his last full day as the obviously unlawful occupier of the chair of Peter, “Pope” Benedict XVI has revealed to the world what had previously been his shameful and abhorrent secret: he eats live babies.

it started out innocently enough…

and then the unthinkable happened…

well, unthinkable to you maybe. i’ve always said that novus ordo types can’t be trusted to not eat their young.

full horrific story here.

what’s all the fuss about?

Posted in real catholic with tags , , on February 12, 2013 by troll ii

ooh, so now it’s big news that there’s no pope.

whatever, i’ve been saying that for, like, forever.

fake “pope” Michael I is similarly unimpressed.

“I’m all like, ‘as if,’ like, totally, you know?”

combox inquisitors

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", real catholic with tags , , , , , , on January 24, 2013 by troll ii

new commenters on this blog often express confusion and even horror that i’m not in absolute lockstep with “Pope” Benedict XVI on everything he happens to say, write, think, or (*shudder*) tweet.

“aren’t you supposed to be a catholic?” they say, “so how can you know better than the pope?” and i tell them, “i just do, i know better than anyone about everything.” then i block them.

what can i say? i’m a certifiable REALcatholic™, which means that i hold fast to the truth of the faith as i interpret it, even though everyone else around me may be going bananas, up to and including the pope.

“It really is too bad that my possession of the keys of Peter is contingent upon the approval of bloggers who live in their sister’s basement.”

honestly, it bugs me so much when these ignorant and supposedly level-headed “obedient”-types mouth off about how you can’t really be a catholic unless you follow the pope on absolutely everything. “well not everything everything,” they clarify, “but absolutely in all matters pertaining to faith and morals, and in church discipline.”

oh, ok. and what about when i deem that the pope is a heretic and that Peter’s chair is empty  and that i’m the only REALcatholic™ left? “you can’t do that,” they say, “because then you would no longer be catholic.”

“I have a dream?”

well, what if i did accept the pope as legitimate (don’t worry, i don’t really) but i rejected his decisions about the liturgy because i deem the novus ordo to be an abomination? “you can’t do that either,” they say, “though of course you can avail yourself of the extraordinary form, if you’d prefer.”

all right, all right. let’s just say for the sake of argument that i not only accepted the pope as legitimate and i accepted the new mass as well, but that i decided that the church’s teaching on the morality of homosexuality and gay marriage weren’t for me? “no, as a catholic you can’t do that either,” they say, “but i’m sure that they’ll still let you blog at the catholic channel at Patheos, as long as you attract enough traffic.”

oh snap!

ugh, combox inquisitors. always trying to sniff out “explicit dissent from the pope and magisterium” and knee-jerkingly demonize it.

as if the pope and magisterium were actually infallible in matters of faith and morals!

i didn’t expect this kind of inquisition

a new war on christmas

Posted in anger, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2012 by troll ii

“Pope”Benedict XVI: “Everything you’ve been told about Christmas is a lie.”

as you’ve no doubt heard from every single media outlet, the “Pope” has said in his new book that God doesn’t exist and that the incarnation is a myth and that there were no animals at the birth of Jesus. (h/t image: NovusOrdoWatch, frothing rage: Tom “Please Donate” Droleskey)

um, and what about “ox and ass before him lay”?

yeah, that’s what i thought. check and mate, sir.

as might be expected, the usual novus ordo suspects are jumping to Benedict’s defense and explaining that he’s been misquoted and/or quoted out of context. in fact, it seems that he has not denied God’s existence, nor the incarnation, nor even the presence of animals at Jesus’ birth.

frankly, i don’t care what he *actually* said. i’ve gotten myself good and angry and i intend to stay that way.

seriously, folks, this newest “Jesus of Nazareth” is about the biggest atrocity we’ve ever seen perpetrated upon the world, or at least about the biggest atrocity perpetrated upon the world as a direct result of Jesus’ birth.

yup, i’d say it comes in somewhere between the slaughter of the innocents and Newsong’s “Christmas Shoes.”



7 quick takes: the quickest ever

Posted in 7 quick takes with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 27, 2012 by troll ii

oh look, they’re dressed just like the girls at your local novus ordo mass.

well, it’s time for the olympics to start up, which means… absolutely nothing. despite what the novus ordo “pope” says about the games, they are not the greatest thing to happen to the  world since the council of trent. i don’t have time for these shenanigans, nor do i have time to be my usual wordy self, so without further ado, i present the quickest quick takes ever.


1. i spoke too soon. Curt’s back to being funny again. too bad… for his soul!

on the bright side, at least things are back to normal


2. i thought i saw Bishop Williamson on the treadmill at the 24-hour fitness location across from my grocery store. honestly, he looked pretty good for someone who eats bacon for every meal. but it turned out not to be him after all.

“No comment. I only say inflammatory things when there are cameras rolling.”


3. i keep receiving confusing emails from The Jerk, who is seeming increasingly unstable. death threats one minute and sobbing apologies the next. what is wrong with this guy? oh, and is now it a “thing” to offer to wash a guy’s feet as a sign of friendship? i don’t get it.

ugh, he looks like something out of “the omen”


4. Murphy has started taking a prescription medication for his mood swings, and he is doing much better. maybe The Jerk should borrow some, it might do him some good.

wait, this can’t be right


5. my neighbor Lou Genovese invited me over to his house to watch a show called “sons of anarchy,” which he said i’d love because it was a lot like “downton abbey.” as it turns out, it is NOTHING like “downton,” and within the first four minutes of the episode, it was so dark and violent that i actually lost control of my bowels. (hmm, perhaps i should keep a dvd handy for when things get really backed up…)

they didn’t even have british accents, for clem’s sake!


6. i had my first visit to chick-fil-a yesterday with my best friend Turk Sorensen, who was trying to stay there all day to show his support for something or other. Turk’s a total fast food junkie, so he was happier than a pig in dirt, but i wasn’t so sure about the sanitariness of their cooking methods. also, while i was in line, someone behind me started talking about going to mass that morning and when i launched into them about how there hasn’t been a valid mass in the state of iowa in more than 27 years they looked as if they were about to burst into tears. i took that as a good sign and continued my rant until they began to cry and ran off to the bathroom. all in all, a job well done.

too much chick-fil, eh?


7. i am holding a conference on “sacred architecture and why every church that has been built since vatican ii is ugly” in my basement apartment on the evening of august 2. please email me at realcatholicsdontlaugh [at] gmail [dot] com for more information.

neat, they put in a new industrial waste facility


oh yeah, and for some takes from folks who maybe aren’t so quick, mouse it here.