Archive for Pope Michael

“pope” resigns: the real story

Posted in blogging, real catholic with tags , , on February 28, 2013 by troll ii

my best friend, Turk Sorensen, invented this painting several weeks ago, as some sort of joke.

but now it would appear that it was actually something of a prophecy, since it was in fact announced just recently that “pope” Benedict XVI was resigning due to complications from his raging internet addiction.

while certain know-it-all “pundits” went on record saying that the pope had developed an incurable twitter dependency, i happen to know that the situation is a bit more complex than that.

while it is true that the resignation is directly linked to benedict’s recent introduction to the interwebs, it’s NOT for the “official” reasons being given. i.e., it is not social media sites that he’s hooked on, but rather traditionalist sites just like this one.

apparently, it all started when the “pope” got the bright idea of trolling some rad-trad sites, just for fun. bad idea. needless to say, it didn’t take long for him to realize that he wasn’t a real pope at all.

i started getting anonymous comments on this blog, written in a german accent, asking things like “vat should vone do if vone ist un anti-pope?” and “how does vone becomen un REALkatholik like zu, Troll zwei?”

i started sending him some books just after christmas–classics like John Vennari’s “The Permanent Instruction of the Alta Vendita,” fellow fake “pope” Michael I’s “Upon this Rock,” and “Cash” by Johnny Cash. the pope couldn’t get enough.

by the end of january, he knew that he was living a lie and couldn’t go on like this much longer. when he asked me for advice, i mentioned that Murphy had quietly retired to a monastery and was enjoying it greatly, and that perhaps he would like something like that too.

and the rest, as they say, is history.

Undated AP file photo of Pope Benedict XVI standing next to President Barack Obama.

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what’s all the fuss about?

Posted in real catholic with tags , , on February 12, 2013 by troll ii

ooh, so now it’s big news that there’s no pope.

whatever, i’ve been saying that for, like, forever.

fake “pope” Michael I is similarly unimpressed.

“I’m all like, ‘as if,’ like, totally, you know?”

news round-up

Posted in Murphy, pope michael, salsa with tags , , , , , , , on June 27, 2012 by troll ii

due to some legal issues, i’ve been keeping rather mum on the whole “pope” michael / david bawden joking fiasco (see posts here, here, and here).

however, my attorney, Shep Klingerman, has recently assured me that bawden has no grounds for his suits against me for libel or slander or sexual harrassment (as if!), so i’m going to go ahead and update everyone on what’s been happening in this matter and in every other area of my life as well.

  • it’s since come out that bawden’s so-called “ordination” was actually performed by a schismatic heretic “old catholic,” who believes that women should be ordained. (i bet the jokesters at ncr love that).
  • i didn’t know this at the time, but bawden also decided that he would change the celibacy requirements for holy orders, so that married people could be ordained. (right, because what we really need is our priests defiling themselves with human sexuality.)
  • i’ve learned that footage shot for the documentary film “pope michael” that ended up on the cutting room floor showed not one but TWO copies of “redneck joke” books in Bawden’s bathroom, as well as a Woody Allen book on Bawden’s nightstand, and pirated videotapes of “america’s funniest home videos” in Bawden’s living room. (absolutely heinous. and to think i ever regarded him as a serious man.)
  • although no one has yet to take me up on my offer to re-visit canon law and figure out how to get out of this mess we’re in, i remain hopeful that the light will dawn. i’m also beginning to come to terms with the reality that i may be the only living member of the true catholic church left in the entire world. amazing.
now for a round-up of everything else.

  • Murphy’s online therapy sessions have been going rather well. his violent outbursts and racist remarks are at an all time low, and he seems to be of a much sunnier disposition altogether. i am, however, a little worried about his sudden distaste for comments disparaging the jews, which seems to be an unintended side-effect of his therapy. we’ll see if this impacts Mel Gibson mondays. hopefully it does not.
  • my salsa-dancing internets girlfriend broke up with me via text-message this past weekend– something about feeling uncomfortable with being mentioned on the blog and not liking my paranoid delusions and having greater aspirations than living in a basement in des moines. whatever, who needs her. i wasn’t really interested in having a conjugal relationship with her anyway, seeing as how gross those tend to be. i was just in it for the dancing (kat was fantastic at salsa, believe you me), and in any case, there’s a sedevacantist salsa singles mingle coming up in a few weeks over in tulsa (info here), so i should be just fine on that front.
  • grannie cannarbean’s passing brought up a lot of mixed feelings that i don’t really want to talk about. i didn’t go to her silly sspx funeral and she didn’t leave me anything in her will, so i guess we’re even. i just wish things could have been different. but i don’t want to talk about it.
  • after our recent falling out, my former best friend Turk Sorensen has taken to sending me fruit baskets and notes of apology. of course, the notes are written in latin as a reminder of why i need him to be my translator. fyi: making me feel stupid isn’t going to get you on my good side, Turk. jerk. (hey that rhymes. cool.)
  • after publicly ridiculing me as either crazy or funny (the nerve!), Mark Shea has gone ahead and filed a restraining order against me. (funny how you never mentioned that on your blog, Mark.) this seems unnecessary and rather uncharitable, at least to me, but what else would you expect from Mark Shea? i’ve heard he eats children.
  • i’ve become absolutely addicted to “downton abbey.” i just keep watching the episodes over and over again. i haven’t left the apartment in four days. seriously, i need help.

in case you’ve never seen “downton,” here are some clips of the dowager countess, whose verve and caustic wit makes me think she would have made a wonderful real catholic, if only she were, you know, actually real.

and here are some clips from series two.

zing and double zing!

until next time, faithful (and not so faithful) readers.

a global conspiracy or just low blood sugar?

Posted in blogging, modesty, pope michael with tags , , , on June 3, 2012 by troll ii

or both!?!

the events of this past week have gotten me thinking a lot about how some people can *feel* sometimes like it’s them against the world, like they’re the only ones who are in the know or who really “get” what’s going on.

obviously, i’ve found myself in that position many a time over the course of my adult life, the only difference being that for me it was more than a feeling, it was actually reflective of reality.

anyhow, my postings from the past week attracted the attention of an old internets acquaintance who shall go nameless, whom i used to debate on several chat forums back in ’04-’05, before she had to be institutionalized for a time.

i thought she might be writing to argue about the whole pope michael fiasco, but all she wanted to talk about were three things:

  1. that her pet canary, Felix, was probably invited to the bilderberg meeting going on in VA, and how she thinks he might be secretly wealthy and/or influential;
  2. how she’s pretty sure anti-pope benedict xvi plagiarized sections of his encyclical “deus caritas est” from the Phil Collins song “groovy kind of love,” and
  3. that the re-election of Barack Obama will mark the beginning of sharia in the US.

concerning this last matter, she even sent a picture she had created to make her point:

prophecy of a future bestseller? or evidence that somebody needs a snickers?

i responded that a muslim takeover might not be that bad, since not only would it finally unmask all the novus ordo “catholics” for the fakes they are, but it might also ensure some real standards of modesty.

also, i told her to get back on her meds.

she didn’t write back.

heresy! schism! exclamation points!!

Posted in laughter, Murphy, pope michael, real catholic with tags , , , , on May 31, 2012 by troll ii

silence be darned!

i’m still piecing together the details, but i feel that at this time i can now come forward and announce that the former pope michael i has indeed committed deeds of heresy, that he has thereby placed himself in formal schism with the real catholic church, and that he is hence cut off from its communion and from his see, and is hereafter to be known and called by his former name of “David Bawden.”

undated google images photo of David Bawden (pre-conclave)

it’s still not entirely clear who all is involved in this schism. all i know for sure is that, on the side of the true church, there stands Murphy and your faithful scribe; and on the side of frivolity and the not true church, there sits (and probably giggles) David Bawden and his mother, Tickie.

i haven’t yet had anyone else let me know whether they stand with Murphy and me, but we remain hopeful and faithful, as always! i’m quite sure no one else will be aligning themselves with the disgraced former roman pontiff (in exile), at least not after they learn that he has been moonlighting as a COMEDY actor since before he even took office!!!

Bawden on the day of his papal conclave (left), and as comedy personality “Mr. Bean” (right)

this last bombshell i have confirmed with no fewer than one former seminarian who studied under Bawden in the last decade. though he prefers to remain anonymous at this time, he has sent me several emails that include details of “Mr. Bean” scripts that he couldn’t possibly know about unless he had helped Bawden practice his lines and blocking, or else seen the movies.

shell-shocked doesn’t even begin to come close to capturing how Murphy and i are feeling at the moment. but we will press on, even if we are the only remaining faithful adherents of the true faith left on earth.

Murphy: solid in his faith, secure in my hands

to our legion of readers out there, if you or anyone you know is or would like to be among the faithful remnant of real catholics (current pop. 2?), please email me at realcatholicsdontlaugh [at] gmail [dot] com. if you happen to be near the des moines area, please accept an invitation to visit with us in our basement apartment, or at our reserved booth at the Denny’s on hickman. knowing latin would be a real plus, since it seems that my former friend and translator Turk Sorensen is still sore at me. also, i am especially interested in any ideas about how to maybe kick-start holy orders and apostolic succession again. (we could also watch “downton abbey,” which it turns out is AMAZING and not at all funny.)

ad infinitum et ultra!

just to clarify…

Posted in Murphy, pope michael, real catholic with tags , , , on May 29, 2012 by troll ii

habemus papam?

a few of you have emailed me to ask whether i’m saying that i’ve changed my mind about pope michael i, about whether or not i think he’s really pope.

let me be as clear as possible: there is no evidence that i have encountered that would suggest that pope michael i was anything other than validly elected by a group of his friends and family, who were of course rightfully capable of electing a pope, pursuant to my interpretation of the code of canon law and sacred tradition.

simply put, my concern is not with the validity of the pope’s election, but with the ongoing validity of his papacy, which MAY INDEED have been nullified through sinful conduct in clear violation of the church’s teaching.

the tasks at hand, which i am vigorously setting out to accomplish, are as follows.

first, i need to determine whether or not these emails have come from pope michael i. although i have some pretty high-probability ways of figuring this out simply by using the internets, i don’t know how i can be 100% certain without some sort of face-to-face sit-down. so i probably need to set up something like this.

second, in case these emails have come from him, and it is proven that he has indeed joked with me and thus abdicated his see, i need to research the various options available for reconciling him with the church, if this is possible, or moving on, if it is not possible. basically, i need to figure out if there’s any particular protocol for this sort of situation in the annals of church history. my plan at the moment is to find the oldest possible version of canon law and type it into google translate to see if it has anything to say. (if someone else has a better suggestion, feel free to let me know.)

third, i need to clean Murphy’s habitat, because the stench from his corner of the apartment is making it so that i can’t even think straight anymore.

fourth, it would seem that i need to watch this pbs show called “downton abbey,” because recently it’s all i hear about. weird.

(i know these last two tasks aren’t exactly on-point, but please know that i am working hard to get to the bottom of all of this, and that i will keep all of you updated as the truth about pope michael comes to light.)

the bombshell

Posted in laughter, Murphy, pope michael, real catholic with tags , , , on May 28, 2012 by troll ii

ok, i’ve consulted with Murphy and my neighbor Lou Genovese, and they both agreed that news of this magnitude shouldn’t wait.

on saturday morning, i received an email supposedly sent by his holiness, pope michael i, in which he explained that the offer of the cardinalate i received a week or so ago was, wait for it, a JOKE. here’s what the email said:

Ad Troglodytarum II,
Hoc est vere inconvenientia. Quorum notitiam recevied delegavit cardinalatus non serio, sed ioco tamen. Nos et mater, Tickie, modo reversus a communione vinum gustu, ambo putabat esset ridiculam si tibi a cardinalatus ut a “merces” enim incremento in site negotiationis. (Gratias agimus tibi pro omnibus per viam). Lorem derisum jam ostendi vobis, postulat ut omnino mentionem apostoliciter cardinalatus nominationis a dui internets cum tota ratio facit nos oculos satis inepta.
Graviter,
Papa Michael I

since my good friend Turk Sorensen and i aren’t really speaking at the moment, i had to use google translate to determine what the message says, and it doesn’t look good. not only does it give me the bad news that i’m not really being made a cardinal, but also by all appearances it seems that pope michael and his mother, Tickie, have made themselves heretics through the playing of a joke.

those had better not be smiles…

i’m trying to figure out if either or both of these messages have actually come from his holiness. although the email address is the same, the ip addresses are different, so i’m hoping that this most recent email is just a ruse by an enemy of the true church to make us look foolish.

real catholics don’t laugh. it’s just that simple.

i don’t want to jump the gun here, but you may want to dust off your sedevacante tin foil party hats (and mantillas), just in case.

“ok, it says here ‘any time someone quotes st. robert bellermine, do a shot.'”

i’ll be posting updates as they become available.