Archive for real catholic

a “false spirit of traditionalism”?

Posted in mel gibson, Murphy, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 8, 2012 by troll ii

as if.

ok, so maybe mantillas *can* be over the top, but still…

i’m getting it from all sides over here.

first, Murphy told me on Monday afternoon that he was no longer comfortable celebrating the oeuvre of Mel Gibson purely on the basis of his arch-traditionalism and anti-semitism. when i responded that we could always do it on the basis of his artistry and talent as an actor, Murphy laughed in my face. (for the time being, it would seem that our tradition of Mel Gibson mondays is on hiatus, which really stinks.)

wait, isn’t laughing heretical?

next, i see that “fr.” dwight longnecker has put up yet another post mocking traditional (i.e., REAL) catholics by making them seem like isolated kooks. real catholics aren’t kooks, sir, or at least this real catholic isn’t. (come to think of it, since i may well be a church of practically one right now, am i really able to use the plural when speaking of real catholics? i just don’t know.)

AP file photo of Murphy’s favorite longnecker showing off what he can do with his mandible

finally, i saw this morning that Mark Shea descended into this vile diatribe against the so-called “false spirit of traditionalism”:

Yeah. It’s a cherished myth with a lot of Reactionaries that everything was great before the Council, that everything that’s wrong is due to a) the Council, b) Garrulous Karolus the Koran Kisser; c) damn libruls; d) Jews; e) Masons; and e) anybody who is critical of the widespread Traditionalist culture of pharisaic, paranoid, anti-semitic, conspiracy-mongering Inquisitorial lovelessness and pride….

Traditionalists love to brag about being “deep in history.” In fact, an awful lot of them are shallow in history….

They still need grace and mercy. Actual Catholic faith offers that. The cartoonish parody of Catholic faith that is the Reactionary Catholic subculture: not so much (though, of course, there are people in the Traditionalist subculture who are not like this).

first off, what Mark is calling a “cherished myth” is the plain and simple fact of the matter. i could prove it, but i’m not going to.

second off, what he’s dismissing as pharisaism, paranoia, anti-semitism, conspiracy-mongering, inquisitorial lovelessness, and pride is exactly the real catholic faith that i know and love. no mercy, baby!!

third off, there’s nothing cartoonish about my parody of the catholic faith. wait, that’s not right; i mean, just because i’m being cartoonish doesn’t mean that this is a parody. scratch that one, too; what i’m trying to say is, um, i’m rubber and you’re glue?

not gonna fly… i say let’s leave the parodies to the modernists

wait, what?


new hope for interreligious dialogue?

Posted in laughter, real catholic with tags , , , , on June 6, 2012 by troll ii

hey, is that a scratch-and-sniff koran? or HERESY!

despite finding a silver lining in the possibility of a muslim takeover, i for one am not quite ready to greet our new overlords with a smile and a heartfelt “dirka dirka dirka.”

nonetheless, an informed reader has alerted me to a certain similarity between the true catholic faith and the teachings of a certain mohammedan name ayatollah khomeini.

here’s the quote from khomeini:

Allah did not create man so that he could have fun. The aim of creation was for mankind to be put to the test through hardship and prayer. An Islamic regime must be serious in every field. There are no jokes in Islam. There is no humor in Islam. There is no fun in Islam. There can be no fun and joy in whatever is serious.

wow, a few changes and this could be a verbatim citation from SAINT pius v.

God did not create man so that he could have fun. The aim of creation was for mankind to be put to the test through hardship and prayer. A Catholic regime must be serious in every field. There are no jokes in Real Catholicism. There is no humor in Real Catholicism. There is no fun in Real Catholicism. There can be no fun and joy in whatever is serious.

it makes you wonder…

heresy! schism! exclamation points!!

Posted in laughter, Murphy, pope michael, real catholic with tags , , , , on May 31, 2012 by troll ii

silence be darned!

i’m still piecing together the details, but i feel that at this time i can now come forward and announce that the former pope michael i has indeed committed deeds of heresy, that he has thereby placed himself in formal schism with the real catholic church, and that he is hence cut off from its communion and from his see, and is hereafter to be known and called by his former name of “David Bawden.”

undated google images photo of David Bawden (pre-conclave)

it’s still not entirely clear who all is involved in this schism. all i know for sure is that, on the side of the true church, there stands Murphy and your faithful scribe; and on the side of frivolity and the not true church, there sits (and probably giggles) David Bawden and his mother, Tickie.

i haven’t yet had anyone else let me know whether they stand with Murphy and me, but we remain hopeful and faithful, as always! i’m quite sure no one else will be aligning themselves with the disgraced former roman pontiff (in exile), at least not after they learn that he has been moonlighting as a COMEDY actor since before he even took office!!!

Bawden on the day of his papal conclave (left), and as comedy personality “Mr. Bean” (right)

this last bombshell i have confirmed with no fewer than one former seminarian who studied under Bawden in the last decade. though he prefers to remain anonymous at this time, he has sent me several emails that include details of “Mr. Bean” scripts that he couldn’t possibly know about unless he had helped Bawden practice his lines and blocking, or else seen the movies.

shell-shocked doesn’t even begin to come close to capturing how Murphy and i are feeling at the moment. but we will press on, even if we are the only remaining faithful adherents of the true faith left on earth.

Murphy: solid in his faith, secure in my hands

to our legion of readers out there, if you or anyone you know is or would like to be among the faithful remnant of real catholics (current pop. 2?), please email me at realcatholicsdontlaugh [at] gmail [dot] com. if you happen to be near the des moines area, please accept an invitation to visit with us in our basement apartment, or at our reserved booth at the Denny’s on hickman. knowing latin would be a real plus, since it seems that my former friend and translator Turk Sorensen is still sore at me. also, i am especially interested in any ideas about how to maybe kick-start holy orders and apostolic succession again. (we could also watch “downton abbey,” which it turns out is AMAZING and not at all funny.)

ad infinitum et ultra!

marathon men (and women)

Posted in anger, blogging, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2012 by troll ii

Tobias: “where does the hate come from, bill?”
White Power Bill: “the jews, i guess.”
–tv drama arrested development

when you’re right as often as i am, and others are wrong as often as they are, you find that you can never assume that there is anyone who will be right even most of the time. in fact, the best of the best get stuff wrong, and that’s why i’m here, to correct them.

i get so many questions about whether this is ok, or whether that is heretical, and i’d love to be able to point people in someone else’s direction and just say, “go ask him (or her), because they get it and you can trust them.” but i can’t do that. all i can say is, “trust no one. except me, of course. because i’m right. but i’m the only one.”

you see, then, that being right all the time isn’t just emotionally and psychologically draining because you have to correct all the other people who are so wrong, but it’s also draining because of how isolated you feel, and because of how many people you have to give right answers to, and because of how much motivation you have to cultivate to have the energy to do this, day in and day out.

maybe now you understand why i’m feeling so burned out.

although i cannot commend all the content of what you find in their writings, i want to take a few minutes and acknowledge the men and women who have been and are (now more than ever before) an inspiration to me to keep cultivating my self-righteous rage and my disgust at everything that doesn’t look or sound quite right to me. i must confess that these fine writers have, at times, been on the receiving end of my own verbal assaults. i do not apologize for this, but confess it to make clear how great-souled these heroes truly are: they have fought with me, and they have been vanquished, but they have arisen to become indignant and malign others with a resiliency that fills me with awe.

as i have found the hard way, the race is long, and is in fact never over. as long as there are people on this earth, there will be people who are wrong, people who stand in need of correction. ours is a battle without end, a war without hope of victory, a raging of the night that will nonetheless never go quietly.

to you, brothers and sisters in self-appointed judgment, i give my gratitude and admiration:

Steve Kellmeyer, you were the first to show me that you can always find fault with someone about something.

Randy Engel, you are a constant reminder that we are to hate both the sinner and the sin.

The Brothers Dimond, shine on!

Bob Sungenis, never forget that you are my sun: bright, warm, and not at all at the center of my universe.

honorable mention:

Dale and the gang at New Oxford Review, you’ve done better in the past, but you’re still dear to my heart, and i wish you a quick recovery.

there are, to be sure, many many more that are deserving of thanks. but it is to these few, these happy few, that i have often turned for inspiration when i’m feeling like i simply don’t have anything left to spew.

so to you few, i thank you.