Archive for real food

confessions of an ex-lax catholic: rhoid rage

Posted in anger, real catholic with tags , , , , on June 14, 2013 by troll ii

in the past couple weeks, i’ve received several emails from solicitous readers inquiring as to whether my new-found REALfood obsession has led to healthier, more regular bowel habits.

(as you may recall, my being right and self-righteously angry all the time has led to more or less permanent constipation, which i have yet to fully overcome. yes, it turns out correctness, orthodoxy, and rage aren’t the only things i’m full of after all. such is life as true ex-lax catholic.)

the short answer is, no, it hasn’t. which is surprising, seeing as how i’ve been on this juice-and-kale cleanse for six days now.

back in the days when all i ate was ramen and pop tarts, i always figured my bowel issues were mostly attributable to my poor diet. turns out i may have been, ahem, wrong.

to make matters worse, i seem to have, um, forced the issue the other day, thus bringing back my previously dormant straining-induced hemorrhoids in full force. seriously, it’s gotten so bad that i can’t even sit down, be it in the delivery truck, on the couch, or even at my computer.

AP file photo of how things feel right about now

ordinarily i wouldn’t post about this sort of thing, since it’s equal parts embarrassing and disgusting. however, i’ve noticed that every couple of months there tends to be a surge of bloggers writing “authentic” posts where they divulge waaay too much private information only to be celebrated for it. you know, for being “authentic” and “honest” or something.

the way i see it, the so-called “catholic” blogosphere is due for another such surge, and i’d just as well be ahead of the curve this time around. i mean, there’s got to be TONS of bloggers out there who struggle with these particular effects of being self-righteously angry and uptight all the time, right? and you’re sure to appreciate how brave and bold i’m being here, right? (N.B. please provide track-backs for all accolades, so that i’m sure to see them and thus derive comfort from them as i sit sadly in yet another epsom salt bath.)

as for me, i’m off to try something a little different…

“desperate times” and all that

you’ll probably be seeing a lot less of me…

Posted in real catholic, real food with tags , , , on May 24, 2013 by troll ii

…because i’ve lost 42 lbs. in just the past two months. for all you math nerds out there, that’s about four inches off my waistline and a full two manssiere cups smaller.

i’m especially pleased with the noticeable nipple reduction

and before you ask, the answer is no, i did not lose this weight because of SSP90X, or any  exercise program for that matter, extremely traditional or otherwise.

i’m not even dieting.

well, not really dieting. just eating food.

real food, that is.

not that fake processed crap that i used to stuff myself with.

ugh, nothing but plastic here; REAL dog poop is pure and organic

yes, in my various wanderings, i happened to stumble across something called the “paleo” diet, which sounded just about as traditional as you can get, so of course i was on board in a second.

as i’ve since discovered, paleo isn’t nearly as traditional or pure as you can get.

i’m still experimenting with the best way to stick to natural, organic food only, and i’ll be sure to keep you posted as i learn more about making sure this REALcatholic gets nothing but REALfood.