Archive for REALCatholic

combox inquisitors

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", real catholic with tags , , , , , , on January 24, 2013 by troll ii

new commenters on this blog often express confusion and even horror that i’m not in absolute lockstep with “Pope” Benedict XVI on everything he happens to say, write, think, or (*shudder*) tweet.

“aren’t you supposed to be a catholic?” they say, “so how can you know better than the pope?” and i tell them, “i just do, i know better than anyone about everything.” then i block them.

what can i say? i’m a certifiable REALcatholic™, which means that i hold fast to the truth of the faith as i interpret it, even though everyone else around me may be going bananas, up to and including the pope.

“It really is too bad that my possession of the keys of Peter is contingent upon the approval of bloggers who live in their sister’s basement.”

honestly, it bugs me so much when these ignorant and supposedly level-headed “obedient”-types mouth off about how you can’t really be a catholic unless you follow the pope on absolutely everything. “well not everything everything,” they clarify, “but absolutely in all matters pertaining to faith and morals, and in church discipline.”

oh, ok. and what about when i deem that the pope is a heretic and that Peter’s chair is empty  and that i’m the only REALcatholic™ left? “you can’t do that,” they say, “because then you would no longer be catholic.”

“I have a dream?”

well, what if i did accept the pope as legitimate (don’t worry, i don’t really) but i rejected his decisions about the liturgy because i deem the novus ordo to be an abomination? “you can’t do that either,” they say, “though of course you can avail yourself of the extraordinary form, if you’d prefer.”

all right, all right. let’s just say for the sake of argument that i not only accepted the pope as legitimate and i accepted the new mass as well, but that i decided that the church’s teaching on the morality of homosexuality and gay marriage weren’t for me? “no, as a catholic you can’t do that either,” they say, “but i’m sure that they’ll still let you blog at the catholic channel at Patheos, as long as you attract enough traffic.”

oh snap!

ugh, combox inquisitors. always trying to sniff out “explicit dissent from the pope and magisterium” and knee-jerkingly demonize it.

as if the pope and magisterium were actually infallible in matters of faith and morals!

i didn’t expect this kind of inquisition

time to admit it: i need help

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", pope michael, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2012 by troll ii

the other day i was on catholic answers forums, trying to muster up the will to provoke a bunch of pseduo-catholics into a dispute over the vile and degrading practice of nfp, when i noticed that an old post of mine had finally gotten a response, and a good one at that.

this response was actually so good that i didn’t know what to say in reply. it was from a young, married mother of two, and she had so completely dismantled my false-flag lambasting of real Catholic nfp critics that i was, literally, speechless. she even linked to his holiness, pope michael i.

i thought to myself, “sweet cardinal siri, this lady is the real deal!” but when i clicked on her profile i realized i was looking at a ghost account that *i* had created months ago, as part of a separate project to “raise concern” over the orthodoxy, and sexuality, of a certain apologist whose name rhymes with “schmim schmaples.”

i sat there with mouth agape, aghast that i had fallen prey to the intricate interweb of trolling deceit woven by myself. i truly was, and am, a formidable opponent.

the fact is that i’m probably in too deep. i’ve been trolling for so long, hiding behind so many fake personae, using so many different proxy servers, and ghosting so many legitimate commenters’ ip addresses, that sometimes i can’t remember what my own positions are, or even who i am. Murphy says this kind of talk just doesn’t sound like me, and maybe he’s right, but how can i know for sure?

they say that the first step toward recovery is admitting you a have a problem.

well then, non-exhaustively and in no particular order: My name is…

  1. Troll II
  2. Mark Shea’s Boyfriend     
  3. Mantilla Vs. Mothra    
  4. ModestyPolice
  5. FatiMom
  6. Christopher West’s Love Child
  7. FoxxyOrthodoxxy   
  8. TheBlackSheepDogAteMyHomework
  9. ChristendomAlum97
  10. DontQuitYourOpusDayJob
  11. Simcha’s Trousers    
  12. Ora Pro Voris
  13. Scott Hahn’s Colon    
  14. The Wandererer
  15. NFP-ness
  16. FrGrunerFanBoy
  17. Colleen Hammond’s Underoos   
  18. Ha!MedjuLook
  19. SaintStrongBad
  20. SungenisGroupie4Life   
  21. Justine Schmiesing
  22. Pro Paucis
  23. AntiDentite08
  24. FSSPFratBoy81
  25. EMichaelJonesforPresident 
  26. Fr. Fessio’s Eyebrows
  27. FrZisMyHomeboy 
  28. FlamingCharismatic04
  29. SedeVacantisaurusRex
  30. PhatimaChick99
  31. Mel Gibson Was Right
  32. Matthew Kelly   
  33. DimondBrosBeforeHoes
  34. EWTNSoldMyMomsWheelchair
  35. WeigelNeoConJob
  36. VortexSwordofTruth11 

… and i’m a trollaholic.

don’t get me wrong, i’m not apologizing. i’m simply asking that you REAL Catholics out there pray for me that i would know what to do.

mein kampf?

Posted in blogging, laughter, real catholic with tags , , , , , on May 9, 2012 by troll ii

in an attempt to motivate me, wordpress has taken to providing choice quotes about writing in the margins of my blog dashboard.

the most recent nugget of nonsense came from mexican writer and notoriously secretive opus dei operative carlos fuentes, who apparently said that “writing is a struggle against silence.”

hmm, i guess my writing is a struggle against the curt jester.

real catholics don’t laugh.

it’s just that simple.

as pope SAINT pius x famously and correctly said, “laughter is for the modernists.”

sacred tradition has it that pope SAINT pius x never once cracked a smile.

n is for neville, who died of ennui

Posted in blogging, real catholic with tags , , , , , , on May 9, 2012 by troll ii

so bored, so listless

as you’ve probably noticed, i’ve been lying low, relatively speaking, for the past few weeks or so, sticking to the blog and mostly avoiding my usual haunts on the internets, those comboxes and forums where i normally wreak my special brand of REAL catholic havoc. i guess i just haven’t felt up to it.

i don’t know if it’s a vitamin deficiency or a seasonal thing, or maybe the new meds, but i simply haven’t been finding much joy in trolling and picking fights with fake catholics. going SALSA dancing, yes; telling people how wrong they are, not so much.

how bad have things gotten, you ask? well, i’ll tell you.

just last week, mark shea pretty much came out of the closet right there in the middle of the internets [WARNING: link not for the weak of stomach or the closed of mind], and I COULDN’T EVEN BRING MYSELF TO COMMENT! confronted with a classic modernist amchurch call to approach sinners with “love” and “compassion” and “humility,” i not only didn’t take the bait, but i didn’t even feel like asserting mark’s obvious homosexuality.

six months ago i would have taken genuine pleasure in saying this is (probably) mark shea

what gives? i’ve been spreading rumors of mark shea’s deviant sexuality and beliefs since the days when he had just one chin. always with the jokes and the puns and the prayer and “balanced takes” and the “principled stands” against torture and capitalism, and the laughter, my sakes, the laughter. i hate mark shea more than mark shea hates weight watchers, and yet there i was, numb and apathetic in what should have been the hour of my greatest victory, when one of my many nemeses was unmasked as the fake “catholic” modernist huckster he is.

it just makes you wonder, where’s all the righteous anger when you really need it?

Murphy says that i probably need more sunshine, and that I should get out of the basement for a while to clear my head and get my priorities in order.

i don’t know.

thinking about it now, i guess i started this site as an alternative outlet to all my other flaming and pontificating, and i’m just hoping that having this outlet helps me get my groove back. we’ll see.

SSPI?!?

Posted in real catholic with tags , , , , , on May 8, 2012 by troll ii

pope st. pius i: it’s all greek to me

how have i never heard of this before? my friend Turk Sorensen forwarded me the link late last night, but he didn’t know anything more about it. is this for real, or is it just some sort of sick, mocking joke?

FACT: Latin is NOT the original language of the Church!

It’s a VERNACULAR language that was foisted on the Roman church by Pope Victor I (A.D. 190-202), who was an AFRICAN priest–NOT a Roman!!!

The earliest liturgies at Rome as described by St. Justin Martyr were in GREEK. But once Victor made the change in language, that OPENED THE DOOR a century later to a barrage of changes in the rite of Mass itself, from which the Roman Rite has NEVER recovered.

everyone in the comments is acting like the authors are kidding, but if this is legit, i definitely need to get in touch with these people, and pronto. based on their self-description (“we are temporarily headquartered behind the water heater in our basement”), they sound quite hard to get in touch with, but this is exactly the sort of commitment to the REAL catholic faith that i like to see.

i don’t speak greek, of course, so that could be a problem. then again, i don’t actually know latin either, and that’s never gotten in the way of my being a REAL catholic. as i’ve always said, so long as you sound the words out correctly, and perform all the actions the right way, it really doesn’t matter if you don’t understand what it all means. “ex opere operato,” the formula works automatically, am i right or am i right?

so help me out here, internets people. how can i get in touch with these guys? are they still looking for people to ordain? are they in union with pope michael? how do they feel about SALSA? what is their position on the ordination of hamsters as acolytes? (what? Murphy wants to know.)

aaahhhh! so many questions. i need answers!!!!


cinco de SALSA

Posted in salsa with tags , , , , on May 7, 2012 by troll ii

¡estoy mucho glad-o!

my online squeeze made the trek to visit me over the weekend for cinco de mayo and, as expected, we salsa’d till we could salsa no more.

i don’t know what it is about latin american dance, and salsa above all, that grabs my soul and moves my body. it’s like nothing else in the entire world.

over the years, i’ve made sure that anyone i may become involved with knows that, for me, not being able to salsa is a total deal-breaker, right alongside liking Neil Sedaka (or is it Jon Secada?), wearing pants, and not thinking the same way i do about everything.

i know what you’re probably thinking: how can you be catholic and dance, especially such a disgustingly sensual dance that both embraces and embodies the smoldering subtext of gross raw human sexuality involved in all dance?

to this, all i can say is SALSA!

in all seriousness, i understand the concerns and i really do share them. i should probably make clear that, when i am salsa dancing, i don’t actually come into physical contact with my partner, nor do we even make visual contact, since we keep to separate rooms when we dance together.

if you’re not careful, salsa, like all other forms of dancing, can be really quite dangerous to your soul.

even the most chaste photo of salsa dancing that Murphy could find on the internets was far too lascivious to post here.

so be careful, stay chaste, and SALSA till your hips move like cuban lightning! (cali’s ok too.)

¡vamonos, hermanos, y bailamos!

NB: to those who say that all forms of dancing are bad not simply because they involve human sexuality, which is always sinful, but rather because they involve music and the movement of bodies, i direct your attention to SAINT Pius V’s papal bull Caldi Caeli, which clearly anathematizes your position as belonging to the ALBIGENSIAN HERESY.

misrepresenting myself: a manifesto

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2012 by troll ii

my good friend Turk Sorensen happened to see the “interesting” (and rather uncharitable) exchange on the facebook that i posted about yesterday, and he advised me that i need to be careful about two things.

1) now that i am again a recognized scourge of pseudo-“catholics” everywhere on the internets, i need to remember to stay grounded and remember where i come from and why i do what i do. i can’t allow how right i am about the faith to dictate who i am as a person, because i’m more than simply an opinionated guy who’s zealous for defending the true faith against all the fakers and liars out there. i’ve hurt a lot of people in the past by only being willing to talk about how wrong they are about religion, when actually there were plenty of other things wrong with them that i could have focused on and tried to correct. i’m right about so much more than just the true catholic faith, and i need to keep in mind how many other areas of life people are wrong on.

2) i need to be discreet in what i say and who i say it to. see, it’s one thing to inflammatorily comment on other people’s blogs, where the potential readers are probably lost in heretical error and in need of being smashed in the face with a cinder block of harsh truth (along with a well crafted ad hominem or two). it’s another thing entirely when it’s my own blog, where visitors are hopefully truly seeking to know how they can think and act like me. thus, i’m sorry to anyone for whom i may have been a stumbling block by linking to the vile pieces by Simcha Fisher (but please believe me when i say i could have linked to much worse). i can’t promise that i won’t at some point link to things that need to be called out and condemned (*cough, cough* Mark Shea, Christopher West, Opus Dei, Scott Hahn, “Fr.” Robert Barron, all of Patheos, etc. etc. etc.), but i will at least give due warning before doing so.

as i see it, i need to be careful about not misrepresenting myself. those opposed to the truth will try to shout me down and crucify me and say that i’m just a crackpot SSPXer on meth (false, false, and false, btw), but i will hold my ground and shout the truth even louder and maybe even let some flecks of spit come out too.

i may have some things to say that are hard for some of you to hear, but you know what, i’m gonna say them anyway. and i’m determined to undermine the mainstream “catholic” media line about how the true faithful are traddie anti-semite wackjobs by giving you a little bit more of the full picture of who i am, of who we all are: completely normal salsa-dancing, hamster-loving, basement-living people who are right about everything you are wrong about.

pax vobiscum.

the new face of real orthodoxy: Murphy, hungry for hamster food, and the TRUTH