Archive for Scott Hahn

interview with “bad catholic”

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2012 by troll ii

“I told him, ‘Listen, I read “Home Sweet Rome,” what more proof could you need that I’m a Catholic?'”

no, not him. this one:

“You might remember me from ‘Harry Potter.'”

remember way back when, when i was trying to interview/profile Mark Shea for Brandon Vogt’s “support a [fake] catholic speaker” month, and he wouldn’t let me, and i went on strike, and no one knew because i didn’t actually tell anyone i was going on strike until after the fact?

well then, it turns out that Brandon decided to give the assignment to none other than Mark’s fellow Patheos blogger Marc Barnes, a.k.a. “Bad Catholic,” formerly known as “Baby G.K.,” and before that, “Fetus et Ratio.”

i was curious to learn more about this “Bad Catholic,” so i contacted him. and despite his insanely busy schedule, Marc graciously accepted my request for me to interview him (provided that it was ok with his parents, which it was). our exchange follows after the jump.

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joke alert: eye of the tiber

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", laughter with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2012 by troll ii

uh oh, there’s a new kid in town.

it looks like with the curt jester’s apparent retirement from actually being funny, and with most of the jokesters at the “national catholic reporter” out with hip replacement surgery the past few weeks, there was an opening in the dangerous modernist humor blog department.

suffice it to say, with the arrival of onion-y upstart “eye of the tiber,” the position has been filled.

what’s there to be worried about? well i’ll tell you.

first, the name, “eye of the tiber,” it’s like a bad pun from a Scott Hahn book. it screams  irreverence of the novus ordo sort, it’s in bad taste, and it makes no sense. the name is no doubt taken from the 1986 movie “eye of the tiger,” starring the always amazing Gary Busey, but frankly i don’t see how they are connected. whatever.

second, the site LIES all the time, and not even for reason good enough to get defended by First Things, but simply for the sake of humorosity! recent headlines, which i feel rather confident are false, include:

  • “Pope decries ‘bad fish’ in church, or maybe that Applebee’s shrimp cocktail”
  • “Nashville Catholics excited, confused over ‘Year of Faith Hill'”
  • “Opus Dei to make movie about founder that actually makes sense”
  • “Vatican acknowledges magisterial authority claimed by Catholic blogger”
  • “USCCB to create committee to determine purpose of USCCB committees”
  • “New, straight pastor doesn’t dress as snappily, parishioners say”
  • “SSPX sect not anti-semitic, claims best friend is Jewish”
  • “‘Eye of the Tiber’ leaves readers laughing, wishing they had thought of that”

third, based on the comments and the “likes” on facebook, people find the site to be genuinely funny, and i’m worried that it might lead a lot of people astray.

“What a site! I haven’t laughed so hard since the other night.”

remember: real catholics don’t laugh.

and i’m back…

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics" with tags , , , , , , , on October 1, 2012 by troll ii

miss me?

whew! for a minute there, i didn’t think i’d make it.

what? don’t pretend that you didn’t noticed that i hadn’t posted anything in nearly a month.

a month exactly, to be precise. the perfect length of time for a blogging strike designed to bring your oppressors and opponents to their knees.

yes, it is with great pleasure that i announce tonight my well-deserved victory over so-called “catholic” techno-blogger extraordinaire Brandon Vogt (pronounced by irritatingly clearing your throat). he has his own tld, doncha know.

whoops, i said “Vogt” one too many times and ended up with a handful of phlegm. ew.

oh, you didn’t realize that i was post-striking in protest of his tyranny and discrimination? yes, well, by the time i realized that i needed to publicize my beef with Brandon, i was already on day 4 of the month-long strike. i asked Murphy to post something for me, but he said that it went against the spirit of our protest. also, he doesn’t know how to type.

so anyway, the whole fiasco got started back in august, when Brandon rebooted his “support a [fake]’catholic’ speaker month” and asked for fellow catholic bloggers to contribute by providing profiles of the speakers that he had listed. seeing as how i am not only a blogger in good standing, but a notoriously REAL catholic as well, i decided that i should contribute an appropriately scathing profile of one of the speakers.

which speaker, you ask? why Mark Shea, of course.

Brandon the bigot said “no.” rats. well, what about Scott Hahn? nope. “Fr.” Z? nada. and so on.

finally, he said that i could have “Fr.” Richard Rohr if i wanted him. fish in a barrel, i said, and besides, he’s already been covered. (or uncovered, as the case may be.)

then he offered Matthew Kelly. nah, i preferred to profile a man.

so he relented and said i could have “Sr.” Helen Prejean.

“haha, get it? cuz she looks like a dude?

yup, that Brandon’s a real wiseacre.

i could see what was happening, so i asked him, point blank, if his refusal to give me any legitimate fake “catholic” speakers to profile was because of my unflinching orthodoxy and positively backside-chapping REAL catholicity. “yes,” he admitted, “and your involvement would completely undermine the entire project.”

i screamed aloud, “THEN THIS MEANS WAR! OR AT LEAST A BLOGGING STRIKE!!” and promptly ended our chat, indignantly logging out of my WordPress account immediately thereafter.

my four-year-old nephew’s rendering of my reaction

thus began thirty long days of an arid, blogless existence, which has now thankfully come to an end.

Brandon didn’t capitulate, of course, but i’m unilaterally claiming a moral victory, as is my wont. also, i now happen to have several fantastically devastating profiles, which i hope to publish as the occasion warrants. game, set, checkmate.

yup, you just can’t keep a good troll down.

mel gibson monday (belated)

Posted in mel gibson with tags , , , , , , on July 18, 2012 by troll ii

things have been crazy ’round these here parts the past two days or so. as anticipated, the sit-down with Turk Sorensen was a smashing success, and he has since been restored to the status of “best friend,” or more accurately, “best human friend,”  since Murphy will always be favorite. (i’ll spare you the details of the crying and the imploring and the self-flagulation, at least for now; let’s just say that Turk’s denigration ended up being even sweeter than i had hoped!)

artist’s rendering of my recollection of Turk’s groveling like a lowly worm

after our reconciliation, Turk and i began drinking copious amounts of peach schnapps to one another’s health. needless to say, i did NOT get home in time to watch “bird on a wire,” nor was i in any shape to do much of anything the following day.

my man Mel knows what i’m talking about

now that i am fully recovered, the plan is to watch this week’s Mel Gibson monday movie tonight, with both Murphy and Turk (sorry for taking your hubby, Sheila, but it’s boys’ night in!).

since it’s been a while since i last saw “bird on a wire,” i’m not entirely sure how accurate my memory of its plot is. as i recall, Mel plays a slightly unstable mechanic who’s in the witness protection program, and after he gets recognized by Goldie Hahn’s character, who he used to date, they have to go on the run in order to avoid the bad guy, Eugene Sorenson (ha!), who Mel helped to put away years before. people start shooting guns and stuff starts blowing up and Mel Gibson is awesome and he and Goldie live happily ever after and then the credits roll… BACKWARDS!!! (i know, how crazy is that!)

“Wow, Goldie, it says on this blog here that your brother is famed fake ‘catholic’ apologist Scott Hahn.”

ah yes, i’ve already received several emails from readers suspicious of my claim that Goldie Hahn and Scott Hahn are sister and brother. “after all,” these folks retort, “they actually spell their last names differently.”

“oh, yeah,” say i, “well then how do you explain the obvious family resemblance?”

my sakes, they could be twins

take that, doubters! and don’t forget to join us next week for a review of our most recent Mel Gibson monday movie, the 2000 family drama “what women want” (hint: the answer is more Mel Gibson).

in the mean time, thanks to the good folks at the youtubes, here’s the trailer from “bird on a wire” to whet your appetite for Mel.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7lSUQeZvFg]

BREAKING: reconciliation immanent?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 16, 2012 by troll ii

no, i’m not speaking about the pointless sspx talks with the modernist vatican, but about a pending sit-down with my once and perhaps future best friend, Turk Sorensen.

as you will recall, Turk and i have been on the outs ever since he did something to upset me. i can’t recall what it was, but i know it started with his idea for “recipes for disaster” and it spiraled out of control from there. honestly, the initial reasons don’t really matter now, because he’s since done lots of things to get my goat, things like writing me notes in latin (which i can’t understand), denouncing my on david bawden’s facebook page, leaving me threatening messages, egging my house, and shaving(!) Murphy. what a tool.

anyhow, i received a text message earlier this afternoon that he wanted to finally get together and have a mediated conversation in which we could reconcile, by which i understand him to mean that he is planning to grovelingly beg my forgiveness for his foolishness.

artist’s rendering of what i hope will be Turk’s pathetic begging for mercy

while i’m ordinarily not one to extend mercy of any sort, i do have a soft spot for groveling, begging, sniveling, and all-around self-humiliation, so as long as Turk plays his cards right, he has a good chance to return to my good graces.

if all goes well, i should be back at home with plenty of time to pop in this week’s Mel Gibson monday video, “bird on a wire,” co-starring Goldie Hahn (who if i’m not mistaken is fake “catholic” apologist Scott Hahn’s sister). of course, if things go on a bit longer than planned, i’ll probably need to hold off till tomorrow. we’ll see.

sedevacantist drinking game

Posted in mel gibson, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 22, 2012 by troll ii

“c’mon, what’s the worst that could happen?”

i may have alluded, a little while back, to a certain sedevacantist drinking game that i invented with my former best friend Turk Sorensen (of “recipes for disaster” fame), and i’ve since received several requests to spell the whole thing out.

keep in mind, this was originally designed for sedevacantist trolling and other online discussions (comboxes, forums, email exchanges, twitter, etc.), so changes will most likely need to be made if you’re attempting to adapt it to different environs.

also, as a necessary disclaimer: i want to be clear that this game is in no way intended to encourage drunkenness, or, for that matter, a “good time” or fun of any kind. it is merely a creative attempt to help pass the time. so without further ado, here we go…

  • getting “called on” about needing to have more charity and not criticize others: take one drink
  • accusation of being a “sedevacantist,” as if this were some sort of epithet: take one drink
  • futile attempt to defend or “explain away” the novelties and heresies of vatican ii and subsequent antipopes: take one drink
  • use of argumentum ad populum (“1 billion catholics can’t be wrong”): take one drink
  • mustering of St. Robert Bellermine or any of the Pope Piuses for novus ordo purposes: take one drink
  • use of “church fathers” for novus ordo purposes: take one drink (bonus: if quote is taken from protestant translation, criticize and give the original language: take two drinks)
  • supposedly authoritative quotation of ratzinger/”pope” benedict xvi: take one drink
  • supposedly authoritative quotation of “former” protestants (e.g., Scott Hahn): take one drink (bonus: counter back with a choice quote from real converts like Gerry Matatics: take two drinks)
  • accusation of being crazy and/or anti-semitic: take one drink
  • mention of Mel Gibson: take two drinks (you know, one for you and one for Mel)
  • threat of physical violence: take one drink
  • threat of eternal hellfire: take one drink
  • comparison with protestants and/or liberal “cafeteria catholics”: take one drink
  • request for explanation/definition of “modernism”: finish drink
  • expression of doubt about evils of modernism or freemasonry: facepalm, finish drink
  • expression of horror about mass being called “sacrifice”: finish drink
  • denigration of fatima: finish drink
  • getting banned from forum/blog/etc.: finish two drinks and sign on under a different name
finally, per the recommendation of my attorney, Shep Klingerman, i am supposed to advise participants not to drive or operate heavy machinery afterwards.

“i only kept taking more drinks because they kept calling me an anti-semite, i swear.”

time to admit it: i need help

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", pope michael, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2012 by troll ii

the other day i was on catholic answers forums, trying to muster up the will to provoke a bunch of pseduo-catholics into a dispute over the vile and degrading practice of nfp, when i noticed that an old post of mine had finally gotten a response, and a good one at that.

this response was actually so good that i didn’t know what to say in reply. it was from a young, married mother of two, and she had so completely dismantled my false-flag lambasting of real Catholic nfp critics that i was, literally, speechless. she even linked to his holiness, pope michael i.

i thought to myself, “sweet cardinal siri, this lady is the real deal!” but when i clicked on her profile i realized i was looking at a ghost account that *i* had created months ago, as part of a separate project to “raise concern” over the orthodoxy, and sexuality, of a certain apologist whose name rhymes with “schmim schmaples.”

i sat there with mouth agape, aghast that i had fallen prey to the intricate interweb of trolling deceit woven by myself. i truly was, and am, a formidable opponent.

the fact is that i’m probably in too deep. i’ve been trolling for so long, hiding behind so many fake personae, using so many different proxy servers, and ghosting so many legitimate commenters’ ip addresses, that sometimes i can’t remember what my own positions are, or even who i am. Murphy says this kind of talk just doesn’t sound like me, and maybe he’s right, but how can i know for sure?

they say that the first step toward recovery is admitting you a have a problem.

well then, non-exhaustively and in no particular order: My name is…

  1. Troll II
  2. Mark Shea’s Boyfriend     
  3. Mantilla Vs. Mothra    
  4. ModestyPolice
  5. FatiMom
  6. Christopher West’s Love Child
  7. FoxxyOrthodoxxy   
  8. TheBlackSheepDogAteMyHomework
  9. ChristendomAlum97
  10. DontQuitYourOpusDayJob
  11. Simcha’s Trousers    
  12. Ora Pro Voris
  13. Scott Hahn’s Colon    
  14. The Wandererer
  15. NFP-ness
  16. FrGrunerFanBoy
  17. Colleen Hammond’s Underoos   
  18. Ha!MedjuLook
  19. SaintStrongBad
  20. SungenisGroupie4Life   
  21. Justine Schmiesing
  22. Pro Paucis
  23. AntiDentite08
  24. FSSPFratBoy81
  25. EMichaelJonesforPresident 
  26. Fr. Fessio’s Eyebrows
  27. FrZisMyHomeboy 
  28. FlamingCharismatic04
  29. SedeVacantisaurusRex
  30. PhatimaChick99
  31. Mel Gibson Was Right
  32. Matthew Kelly   
  33. DimondBrosBeforeHoes
  34. EWTNSoldMyMomsWheelchair
  35. WeigelNeoConJob
  36. VortexSwordofTruth11 

… and i’m a trollaholic.

don’t get me wrong, i’m not apologizing. i’m simply asking that you REAL Catholics out there pray for me that i would know what to do.