Archive for simcha fisher

i ♥ Karl Keating

Posted in fake "catholics", laughter, real catholic with tags , , , , , on January 3, 2013 by troll ii

“Hi, you may remember me as the dad from ‘Harry and the Hendersons.'”

i know that he and i have had our disagreements in the past, but i need to give a shout-out to my main man Karl Keating, travel and relaxation aficionado and president of (fake) “Catholic” Answers.

why these mad props, you ask?

well not only did he admirably come to the defense of living saint and future doctor of the church Michael Voris, but he did it by showing that he has absolutely no sense of humor at all. truly a man after my own heart.

from his comment over at *shudder* Mark Shea’s blog:

The reviewer starts by referring to “the Michael Voris Love Boat.” That migth be acceptable if Voris were sponsoring a cruise for singles looking for spouses, but that isn’t at all what his video or ad say. A cheap shot.

The reviewer says that Voris “is going to charge the suckers who watch him thousands of dollars for a ‘retreat’ at sea. During Lent. That’s right. Thousand[s] of dollars spent to go on a spiritual retreat on a cruise ship with casinos and all night buffets.”

First of all, using “suckers” is another cheap shot.

Second, the fee isn’t “thousands of dollars” but just over one thousand dollars. (Can’t you read the man’s ad?)

Third, nearly all Catholic cruises, no matter what time of year, are held on big ships that have casinos. Big ships mean lower costs per person, and big ships universally have casinos. (On Catholic Answers cruises we just ignore the casinos and go about our own business.)

Fourth, “all night buffets”? I checked the description of this cruise at the Princess Cruises website and couldn’t find any reference to all-night buffets. Catholic Answers has used several cruise lines over the years (but not Princess), and none of them had an all-night buffet.

Granted, Lent doesn’t seem the best time of year to set a cruise (maybe Voris chose March because the rates are low then), but–unlike something claimed in the comments above–his group won’t be partying on the ship on Good Friday–because Good Friday is on March 29, and his cruise ends 12 days earlier! Still another cheap shot.

I don’t object to criticizing Voris when criticism is due (which is often enough, I’m afraid), but let’s play fair, shall we? Don’t make things up, and don’t exaggerate. Cheap shots (which are mainly plain old falsehoods) don’t bring any credit to their authors.

from what i can tell, Keating is responding here to an over-the-top “humor” piece poking fun at the Voris cruise, which was posted on the deplorably funny Simcha Fisher’s blog. (she’s Jewish, you know.) and not only did he do a good thing, and do it in a good way, but by calling attention to this blasphemy, Keating passive-aggressivley helped to stoke the ire of Voris-lovers the world over, resulting in a deluge of demands to the “National Catholic Register” (Fisher’s employer) to have her either killed or deported.

“Surely, I’m in no way responsible for the violent tribal responses of my faithful youtube followers.”

at the end of the day, i’m just glad that Keating had the integrity to speak truth to power, no matter the cost.

(speaking of cost, for $1,567 to $11,012 per person, you can still book a room on an upcoming Catholic Answers Cruise at, wait for it,


7 quick takes: week in review

Posted in mormons, Murphy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 20, 2012 by troll ii

“oh, were you expecting somebody else?

a certain someone may have had to run to the store to pick up a pregnancy test, so it looks like you’re stuck with me instead. we could just sit here in awkward silence, but i’m gonna jump right in there and tell you all about my week, ok?


1. i’ve already mentioned making up with my best friend Turk Sorensen. and things seem to be going better than before with Murphy. i don’t want to jinx it by talking about it though. we’ll see how this next week shapes up.

Murphy may have been introduced to a potentially special someone at the park on monday morning


2. yesterday, as part of his effort to get things “back to normal,” Turk once again started emailing me links to everything that he happens to find on the internets, among which was a video purportedly proving that presidential candidate Mitt Romney is actually catholic. sure enough, good ol’ Mitt admitted as much in the video, but then i saw where the video was posted and it dawned on me that he’s using “catholic” just as loosely as the hippy-dippy novus ordo crowd. fakes, all of them.


3. speaking of mormons, i was visited not once but twice this week by two strange but friendly “elders.” while i would normally follow my gran’s example and forcibly get rid of them, i decided on the second time to invite them in (i guess i’m just in a peaceable mood this week). a whole lot was said, and frankly some of it sounded pretty crazy, but i was shocked and rather pleasantly surprised to hear about their ideas concerning a great apostasy of the church. i just wanted to embrace them and i was all like, “sedevacantists don’t shake hands, sedevacantists gotta hug.”

elders beerman (l) and berry (r)

as it turns out, they’re not really sedevacantists, nor are they permitted by their religion to give or receive hugs. apparently i still have a lot to learn about these neat freaks.


4. using the google, i was able to piece together a bit more information about mormonism. probably the best resource that i was able to locate was a mormon children’s cartoon that explained the story of mormonism’s founder, Joseph Smith, in song. since stupid wordpress doesn’t seem to want to let me embed flash videos, you’ll need to click out to see it. the video can be found HERE.

“i’ve got a golden ticket, i mean plates!”

(is it just me, or does that one boy’s dad look an awful lot like Pat Madrid?)


5. honestly, i don’t care if he is a sedevacantist, i’m still not voting for Mitt. maybe i’m foolish to think that Mel Gibson would make a good president, but you have to admit that it’s still a great idea compared to Mark Shea, who is voting for a cat. Murphy is furious about this, as he should be.



6. i got wind on tuesday of the possibility of going to confession. as i’m sure you know, there simply aren’t many priests who have been properly ordained and who haven’t apostatized, and despite my admiration for all the fine work that the dimond brothers do, i simply cannot follow their lax approach to sacramental confession. honestly, it’s been so long since i’ve been that i can barely even remember how it goes. does anyone out there have a good REALcatholic examination of conscience, or even just a rigidly traditionalist one? if not, i might just have to come up with one myself…


7. in news entirely unrelated, it seems that after Simcha’s post last friday [WARNING: DO NOT CLICK IF YOU ARE SCARED OF BREASTS], the register threatened to fire her and playboy magazine swooped in with a job offer. after the dust settled and everyone realized that no one except Steve Kellmeyer had gotten offended, everything went back to normal.

“I was offended, too, you know, because there were pictures of, pictures of–I’m not sure if I can say this on the air–but pictures of naked women. And I was just so upset that I called up the register and I, and I… uh, Jim, are you paying any attention to what I’m saying right now?”


for other, less interesting takes, click away.

7 quick takes: troll ii Q&A

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", laughter, modesty, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , on May 11, 2012 by troll ii

oh, hello there

although this is a fairly new blog, it’s been getting a lot of attention the past week or so, especially from people who don’t quite seem to understand where i’m coming from. no one seems to want to use the comments, so instead they’ve been emailing me at realcatholicsdontlaugh [at] gmail [dot] com.

these folks must have missed the “about me” page, because mostly they ask lots of questions about who i am and what i’m doing. although i always respond to these emails individually, i figured that, due to the similarity of so many of the questions, maybe it would be best to just repost and reply to them on the blog itself. so here goes…

1) is this blog a joke? i would think that on the basis of my email address alone you should know that i am gravely opposed to levity in all its forms. don’t get me wrong, there are many other things i’m opposed to as well, but jokesters especially get the righteous anger flowing. at a time when i’m having trouble finding the will to flame, i’m still more than ready to call out yahoos like Simcha Fisher and the Curt Jester.

2) what’s so bad about laughter and jokes, and why can’t catholics take part in them? sacred tradition has been abundantly clear that jokes and laughter have no place among REAL catholics, since these are tools of the devil in lowering our guard in the fight. as pope pius xi said, “laughter not only shows that you’re a modernist, but that you’re glad to be.” moreover, recent apparitions confirm that we are probably living in the time of the tribulation, and there’s nothing funny about the tribulation.

3) you sound depressed, and actually quite unbalanced; have you ever considered counseling? i find the tone of this question to be condescending and judgmental, and while i appreciate these qualities in myself, i don’t like it when they’re directed at me. let’s just say that Murphy and i have things under control at the moment, ok?

4) do you really have a pet hamster named Murphy, or is he just made up? Murphy exists, and he is perhaps the realest thing i know. Murphy is everything that one could ask for in a pet hamster, and so much more. if anything happened to him, i simply don’t know what i’d do.

photo evidence of Murphy’s existence. what more are looking for, Aquinas’s “5 proofs”?

5) so, how’s Murphy feeling? he’s still rather ill, i’m afraid. we’ll get the results of his bloodwork sometime tomorrow. thanks for asking; i’ll be sure to keep you posted.

6) how exactly can a hamster be racistwell, that’s one of the things we’re hoping to figure out. personally, i’m inclined to think that it’s just a side-effect of whatever else is going on, but we’ll see. if we need to get him counseling, then that’s exactly what we’ll do.

7) are you Simcha Fisher, or perhaps one of the voices that lives in her head? no, though i can only hope that my cries of condemnation and judgment might remain ringing in her ears, at least until she has the decency to stop wearing pants and put on something modest for once.

ah yes, a vast improvement

you can find other, less modest “quick takes” here.

my ears are burning

Posted in blogging, laughter, real catholic with tags , , , on May 5, 2012 by troll ii

a noticeable uptick in blog traffic led me to do some digging around on the “social networking” site facebook, where i found some rather interesting discussion concerning Murphy and me.

apparently we’re really sick or really funny. or both.

apparently i’m famous, and awesome, and disturbed. Murphy says i shouldn’t let it go to my head.

“asshat”? i think the term you’re looking for is “real truth-telling catholic.”

consider Murphy and me unimpressed.

no, sex *isn’t* funny, so stop joking about it

Posted in fake "catholics", modesty, nfp, real catholic, sex with tags , , , , , , on May 4, 2012 by troll ii

would a real pope write about sex and the body? NO!!!!!!!

too many so-called catholics these days think that they need to be hip and cool and with it and talk about the sacred and solemn act of connubial intercourse as if it were a game of pin the tail on the donkey.

frankly i’m disgusted.

this trash from “catholic” “writer” simcha fisher is just the most recent egregious example of what i’m talking about. she also writes about nfp all the time and is perhaps most famous for defending the right of women to wear pants, even though catholic tradition (and good old fashioned common sense) clearly says otherwise. it figures.

and just the other day, i saw an ad for this absolutely revolting t-shirt on the internets.


what sort of depraved mind comes up with this stuff?

the marital act may be funny to these kinds of people, but the only one who will end up laughing in the end are the real catholics who know the truth and live it and have the guts to condemn the vile PORNOGRAPHY of jokesters like these.

as SAINT Charles Borromeo said, “laughter marks the friends of satan,” and as pope leo xiii declared, “frivolity concerning the sacred is the final step on the path of modernism.”

real catholics don’t laugh.