Archive for sspx

taking exercise with ssp90x

Posted in real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2012 by troll ii

i made mention a few weeks back of a rather unfortunate traditionalist fitness venture, which a number of readers have since asked about. what they wanted to know is this: what exactly is SSP90X?

first, i want to note that it’s not so much a question of “is” anymore, but rather of “was.” whatever else it may have been, SSP90X was simply not at all successful in helping people to achieve the results it promised, and its eventual disappearance thus came as a surprise to no one.

obviously, the program didn’t work well for me at all

essentially, SSP90X was a home exercise regimen renowned for its intensity and extreme traditionalism. the program was designed to last 90 days, and it employed a variety of exercise techniques, including strength training, cardio, and plyometrics, combined with a nutrition and dietary supplement plan.

the basic idea behind the program was “muscle confusion,” which is supposed to prevent the body from adapting to the exercises over time. SSP90X succeeded in creating confusion all right, just not the kind it advertised.

“SSP90X: nothing gets you shredded like schism”

(interestingly, their promotional materials included a lot of shots of shirtless men, after the jump…)

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Posted in real catholic with tags , , , , on October 15, 2012 by troll ii

apparently, there have been some SSPX-ers who have begun to see the light and who have thus split from the original SSPX to form a new branch, called (for now) the SSPXSO, which is short for “the society of st. pius x of the strict observance.”

as it happens, i was the founder of the original SSPXSO (or “OSSPXSO”) more than nine years ago, so upon hearing this news, i immediately contacted my attorney, Shep Klingerman, who in turn issued a cease and desist letter to the SSPXSO pretenders (hereafter, “SSPXSOP”). the SSPXSOP contend, however, that my claim to the title “SSPXSO” extends merely to the greater Des Moines area, and that i have no right to forbid them to use the name themselves.

what they don’t realize, of course, is that the society of st. pius x of the strict observance of the greater Des Moines area (SSPXSOGDMA) was actually a splitter from my original SSPXSO.

granted, i have since severed all ties to the society, having renounced my membership not only in the SSPX, the SSPXSO, and the OSSPXSO, but also the PSSPX (people’s society of st. pius x), the FSSPXSO (fraternal society of st. pius x of the stricter observance), the FSSPXMSOP (fraternal society of st. pius x, most strictest observance possible), and several other societies of other popes pius (vii, v, iv, iii), to say nothing of  the society of st. pius i (SSPI).

all things being equal, though, i’d still prefer not to have the illustrious name of St. Pius X dragged through the mud by a bunch of frauds and charlatans. especially after the whole “extreme catholic fitness” SSP90X fiasco (though i hear it’s what Paul Ryan used to use).

“the X stands for extremely traditional”

stupid splitters.


joke alert: eye of the tiber

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", laughter with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2012 by troll ii

uh oh, there’s a new kid in town.

it looks like with the curt jester’s apparent retirement from actually being funny, and with most of the jokesters at the “national catholic reporter” out with hip replacement surgery the past few weeks, there was an opening in the dangerous modernist humor blog department.

suffice it to say, with the arrival of onion-y upstart “eye of the tiber,” the position has been filled.

what’s there to be worried about? well i’ll tell you.

first, the name, “eye of the tiber,” it’s like a bad pun from a Scott Hahn book. it screams  irreverence of the novus ordo sort, it’s in bad taste, and it makes no sense. the name is no doubt taken from the 1986 movie “eye of the tiger,” starring the always amazing Gary Busey, but frankly i don’t see how they are connected. whatever.

second, the site LIES all the time, and not even for reason good enough to get defended by First Things, but simply for the sake of humorosity! recent headlines, which i feel rather confident are false, include:

  • “Pope decries ‘bad fish’ in church, or maybe that Applebee’s shrimp cocktail”
  • “Nashville Catholics excited, confused over ‘Year of Faith Hill'”
  • “Opus Dei to make movie about founder that actually makes sense”
  • “Vatican acknowledges magisterial authority claimed by Catholic blogger”
  • “USCCB to create committee to determine purpose of USCCB committees”
  • “New, straight pastor doesn’t dress as snappily, parishioners say”
  • “SSPX sect not anti-semitic, claims best friend is Jewish”
  • “‘Eye of the Tiber’ leaves readers laughing, wishing they had thought of that”

third, based on the comments and the “likes” on facebook, people find the site to be genuinely funny, and i’m worried that it might lead a lot of people astray.

“What a site! I haven’t laughed so hard since the other night.”

remember: real catholics don’t laugh.

BREAKING: reconciliation immanent?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 16, 2012 by troll ii

no, i’m not speaking about the pointless sspx talks with the modernist vatican, but about a pending sit-down with my once and perhaps future best friend, Turk Sorensen.

as you will recall, Turk and i have been on the outs ever since he did something to upset me. i can’t recall what it was, but i know it started with his idea for “recipes for disaster” and it spiraled out of control from there. honestly, the initial reasons don’t really matter now, because he’s since done lots of things to get my goat, things like writing me notes in latin (which i can’t understand), denouncing my on david bawden’s facebook page, leaving me threatening messages, egging my house, and shaving(!) Murphy. what a tool.

anyhow, i received a text message earlier this afternoon that he wanted to finally get together and have a mediated conversation in which we could reconcile, by which i understand him to mean that he is planning to grovelingly beg my forgiveness for his foolishness.

artist’s rendering of what i hope will be Turk’s pathetic begging for mercy

while i’m ordinarily not one to extend mercy of any sort, i do have a soft spot for groveling, begging, sniveling, and all-around self-humiliation, so as long as Turk plays his cards right, he has a good chance to return to my good graces.

if all goes well, i should be back at home with plenty of time to pop in this week’s Mel Gibson monday video, “bird on a wire,” co-starring Goldie Hahn (who if i’m not mistaken is fake “catholic” apologist Scott Hahn’s sister). of course, if things go on a bit longer than planned, i’ll probably need to hold off till tomorrow. we’ll see.

news round-up

Posted in Murphy, pope michael, salsa with tags , , , , , , , on June 27, 2012 by troll ii

due to some legal issues, i’ve been keeping rather mum on the whole “pope” michael / david bawden joking fiasco (see posts here, here, and here).

however, my attorney, Shep Klingerman, has recently assured me that bawden has no grounds for his suits against me for libel or slander or sexual harrassment (as if!), so i’m going to go ahead and update everyone on what’s been happening in this matter and in every other area of my life as well.

  • it’s since come out that bawden’s so-called “ordination” was actually performed by a schismatic heretic “old catholic,” who believes that women should be ordained. (i bet the jokesters at ncr love that).
  • i didn’t know this at the time, but bawden also decided that he would change the celibacy requirements for holy orders, so that married people could be ordained. (right, because what we really need is our priests defiling themselves with human sexuality.)
  • i’ve learned that footage shot for the documentary film “pope michael” that ended up on the cutting room floor showed not one but TWO copies of “redneck joke” books in Bawden’s bathroom, as well as a Woody Allen book on Bawden’s nightstand, and pirated videotapes of “america’s funniest home videos” in Bawden’s living room. (absolutely heinous. and to think i ever regarded him as a serious man.)
  • although no one has yet to take me up on my offer to re-visit canon law and figure out how to get out of this mess we’re in, i remain hopeful that the light will dawn. i’m also beginning to come to terms with the reality that i may be the only living member of the true catholic church left in the entire world. amazing.
now for a round-up of everything else.

  • Murphy’s online therapy sessions have been going rather well. his violent outbursts and racist remarks are at an all time low, and he seems to be of a much sunnier disposition altogether. i am, however, a little worried about his sudden distaste for comments disparaging the jews, which seems to be an unintended side-effect of his therapy. we’ll see if this impacts Mel Gibson mondays. hopefully it does not.
  • my salsa-dancing internets girlfriend broke up with me via text-message this past weekend– something about feeling uncomfortable with being mentioned on the blog and not liking my paranoid delusions and having greater aspirations than living in a basement in des moines. whatever, who needs her. i wasn’t really interested in having a conjugal relationship with her anyway, seeing as how gross those tend to be. i was just in it for the dancing (kat was fantastic at salsa, believe you me), and in any case, there’s a sedevacantist salsa singles mingle coming up in a few weeks over in tulsa (info here), so i should be just fine on that front.
  • grannie cannarbean’s passing brought up a lot of mixed feelings that i don’t really want to talk about. i didn’t go to her silly sspx funeral and she didn’t leave me anything in her will, so i guess we’re even. i just wish things could have been different. but i don’t want to talk about it.
  • after our recent falling out, my former best friend Turk Sorensen has taken to sending me fruit baskets and notes of apology. of course, the notes are written in latin as a reminder of why i need him to be my translator. fyi: making me feel stupid isn’t going to get you on my good side, Turk. jerk. (hey that rhymes. cool.)
  • after publicly ridiculing me as either crazy or funny (the nerve!), Mark Shea has gone ahead and filed a restraining order against me. (funny how you never mentioned that on your blog, Mark.) this seems unnecessary and rather uncharitable, at least to me, but what else would you expect from Mark Shea? i’ve heard he eats children.
  • i’ve become absolutely addicted to “downton abbey.” i just keep watching the episodes over and over again. i haven’t left the apartment in four days. seriously, i need help.

in case you’ve never seen “downton,” here are some clips of the dowager countess, whose verve and caustic wit makes me think she would have made a wonderful real catholic, if only she were, you know, actually real.

and here are some clips from series two.

zing and double zing!

until next time, faithful (and not so faithful) readers.

grannie cannarbean, 1917-2012

Posted in fake "catholics", real catholic with tags , , , , on June 8, 2012 by troll ii

i received a phone call early this a.m. from my sister, who wanted to let me know that my grannie cannarbean died late last night. she was ninety-four.

photo of gran at bob sungenis’s conference on heliocentrism, nov. 2010

i would ask for your prayers for her soul, except for two things:  first, i don’t know how many of you are real catholics (and i wouldn’t want to encourage more prayers to some novus ordo god), and second, she never gave up her heretical beliefs, so i can’t have any hope for her salvation anyhow.

don’t get me wrong. i loved gran dearly and i am heartbroken that i will never see her again. she and i were actually really close for a number of years, and i credit her with being among the first to convince me that the novus ordo church was wrong, after my “reversion” to amchurch in the late ’90s.

grannie ran in traddie circles for years, but she never seemed to get past being an sspx-er. she remained convinced that vatican ii was horribly wrong, but she couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge that the roman pontiffs were frauds, and that the n.o. mass was a complete joke. even back when we were both attending society masses together, we didn’t quite see eye to eye: she was more of a Fellay gal, whereas i was a hardcore Williamson guy.

gran always had a lot of hope for reunification of the society with shamchurch, especially because she hated how much the “schism” had damaged her relationships with her kids, including my mom. that was probably her chief weakness, along with her humility.

gran could be a pretty feisty gal, though, and i’ll always prefer to remember her holding her own in the debates we had, especially early on.

in her younger days, grannie loved using her .22 to shoot coons and scare away mormons and jehovah’s witnesses

i’ll miss you, gran.

misrepresenting myself: a manifesto

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2012 by troll ii

my good friend Turk Sorensen happened to see the “interesting” (and rather uncharitable) exchange on the facebook that i posted about yesterday, and he advised me that i need to be careful about two things.

1) now that i am again a recognized scourge of pseudo-“catholics” everywhere on the internets, i need to remember to stay grounded and remember where i come from and why i do what i do. i can’t allow how right i am about the faith to dictate who i am as a person, because i’m more than simply an opinionated guy who’s zealous for defending the true faith against all the fakers and liars out there. i’ve hurt a lot of people in the past by only being willing to talk about how wrong they are about religion, when actually there were plenty of other things wrong with them that i could have focused on and tried to correct. i’m right about so much more than just the true catholic faith, and i need to keep in mind how many other areas of life people are wrong on.

2) i need to be discreet in what i say and who i say it to. see, it’s one thing to inflammatorily comment on other people’s blogs, where the potential readers are probably lost in heretical error and in need of being smashed in the face with a cinder block of harsh truth (along with a well crafted ad hominem or two). it’s another thing entirely when it’s my own blog, where visitors are hopefully truly seeking to know how they can think and act like me. thus, i’m sorry to anyone for whom i may have been a stumbling block by linking to the vile pieces by Simcha Fisher (but please believe me when i say i could have linked to much worse). i can’t promise that i won’t at some point link to things that need to be called out and condemned (*cough, cough* Mark Shea, Christopher West, Opus Dei, Scott Hahn, “Fr.” Robert Barron, all of Patheos, etc. etc. etc.), but i will at least give due warning before doing so.

as i see it, i need to be careful about not misrepresenting myself. those opposed to the truth will try to shout me down and crucify me and say that i’m just a crackpot SSPXer on meth (false, false, and false, btw), but i will hold my ground and shout the truth even louder and maybe even let some flecks of spit come out too.

i may have some things to say that are hard for some of you to hear, but you know what, i’m gonna say them anyway. and i’m determined to undermine the mainstream “catholic” media line about how the true faithful are traddie anti-semite wackjobs by giving you a little bit more of the full picture of who i am, of who we all are: completely normal salsa-dancing, hamster-loving, basement-living people who are right about everything you are wrong about.

pax vobiscum.

the new face of real orthodoxy: Murphy, hungry for hamster food, and the TRUTH