Archive for steve kellmeyer

7 quick takes: troll ii q&a, take 2

Posted in modesty, nfp, real catholic, sex with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 22, 2012 by troll ii

yup, me again

questions from readers continue to pour in to my email account, and i’ve noticed that many of you are especially concerned with my views concerning women and sexuality. after the smashing success of my first q&a post, i’ve opted again to answer these questions here on the blog, so as to avoid unnecessarily multiplying my efforts in responding to the same queries over and over again. here goes…


1. hi troll, ok, i *maybe* understand not wanting to joke about sex, especially in light of your opposition to laughing, but you seem to have a pretty negative attitude toward sex and human sexuality in general. what gives?

well, despite what you may have heard from Greg Popcak or Dr. Ruth or whoever, the fact of the matter is that the catholic tradition is clear that human sexuality is an effect of sin and the single biggest cause of sin. sexual congress within the bonds of matrimony is of course sacred and not sinful, but that doesn’t make it any less disgusting. the way i see it, the marital act is a lot like circumcision: it’s painful and horrible and it makes you cry, and yet God’s inscrutable decree has made it something holy. go figure.

“you’ll be doing what to my what, now? and God says this is ok?”


2. you seem to speak from painful experience; are there wounds in your life that need to be healed? have you ever tried Theophostic Ministry™? isn’t it the greatest?

there is a lot about my past that is painful, and yes, i have tried theophostic healing. in fact, before theophostic helped me out, i was a fairly normal church-going novus ordo catholic, never realizing the web of depravity and deceit to which i had fallen victim. theophostic helped me realize that everything i knew was a lie. since then, i’ve succeeded in repressing my sexuality and taking pride in my faithfulness and self-righteousness. thanks, theophostic!

“theophostic worked to help me forgive everyone who’s out to get me. awesome!”


“yeah, just look at how God has, um, endowed that beautiful woman over there. i mean, wow!”

3. um, the experience of sexuality doesn’t have to be all bad, you know. have you ever heard Christopher West? he says that if you read his books you won’t have to struggle anymore with concupiscence. 

wow, this is turning into a trip down memory lane. of course i’ve read Christopher West, and i know all about how he thinks we should all walk around naked and enjoy looking at each other naked. personally, i used to love West’s tapes, first because they gave me license to give up custody of the eyes, and then later on, after i saw the light and left shamchurch, because they were the best proof around that “pope” john paul ii’s so-called “theology of the body” was a total crock. the only truly good news about sex that the real church has ever taught is that you don’t have to have it. period.


4. right, so are you currently seeing anyone?

yes, as i mentioned in my post on SALSA dancing, i am presently involved with a young woman i met over the internets. she has asked me not to talk about her on the site, since her family is very much opposed to dancing. and to men. that’s why i don’t usually talk about her or post pictures. ever. it’s not because i don’t actually a girlfriend, or that i’ve made her up or something. here, i’ll prove it: here’s her page on the facebook. hi, kitty kat :)


5. frankly, i’m surprised that you have a significant other, because it often seems from your posts that you hate women, especially women bloggers; aren’t you kind of misogynistic? 

first off, how could i hate women? me mum’s one. so is our lady of fatima. and my girlfriend. second, when i express disgust at what women do, it’s not because they’re women but because they’re NOT acting like women. it’s like Steve Kellmeyer rightly says, women these days are stupid and sex-crazed and sinful. which of those things am i supposed to like? oh right, none of them. because i’m a real catholic. it’s not my fault that women these days prostitute their femininity by working outside the home and then trip up men by showing off their lascivious bodies, leaving practically nothing to the imagination. i think the more accurate thing to say is not that i hate women, but that i am afraid of them, especially their bodies, which is as it should be, right?

this looks about right to me


ah, even better

6. speaking of women’s bodies, don’t you think your comments about modesty have crossed a line? i mean, burkas? really?

well, what you find off-putting i would say is just plain common sense. simply put, i find women’s bodies to be absolutely terrifying, since they are basically an efficacious sign of the carnal allurements of the flesh, which must be avoided and condemned at all costs. some might say that at least some responsibility should fall on the man, since he’s the one doing the ogling, but they’re wrong. it’s like Mel Gibson once said, if you go outside wearing pants, you’re probably asking for it.

7. ok, this is getting really offensive, really quickly. in light of the commotion caused by your nfp post the other day, could you please clarify whether there are any other, non-sex-related reasons for irrationally hating it so much?

i don’t know. off the top of my head, i can say that the whole idea of letting the laity prayerfully and prudently discern God’s will for their family sounds silly to me, and an awful lot like planned parenthood. (paging Dr. Sanger.) everything should be left up to God’s will. married couples should never actively try to have children, and should never actively try not to have children. sex is a mystery, a disgusting forbidden mystery, and it simply should never be left up to husbands and wives to be actively involved in cooperating with God in his plan for their family. that’s what the catholic church says about it anyway. at least my catholic church.


remember, if you have additional questions or comments, you can always email me realcatholicsdontlaugh [at] gmail [dot] com.

and for additional (and probably more licentious) quick takes, bang it here. or don’t.

marathon men (and women)

Posted in anger, blogging, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2012 by troll ii

Tobias: “where does the hate come from, bill?”
White Power Bill: “the jews, i guess.”
–tv drama arrested development

when you’re right as often as i am, and others are wrong as often as they are, you find that you can never assume that there is anyone who will be right even most of the time. in fact, the best of the best get stuff wrong, and that’s why i’m here, to correct them.

i get so many questions about whether this is ok, or whether that is heretical, and i’d love to be able to point people in someone else’s direction and just say, “go ask him (or her), because they get it and you can trust them.” but i can’t do that. all i can say is, “trust no one. except me, of course. because i’m right. but i’m the only one.”

you see, then, that being right all the time isn’t just emotionally and psychologically draining because you have to correct all the other people who are so wrong, but it’s also draining because of how isolated you feel, and because of how many people you have to give right answers to, and because of how much motivation you have to cultivate to have the energy to do this, day in and day out.

maybe now you understand why i’m feeling so burned out.

although i cannot commend all the content of what you find in their writings, i want to take a few minutes and acknowledge the men and women who have been and are (now more than ever before) an inspiration to me to keep cultivating my self-righteous rage and my disgust at everything that doesn’t look or sound quite right to me. i must confess that these fine writers have, at times, been on the receiving end of my own verbal assaults. i do not apologize for this, but confess it to make clear how great-souled these heroes truly are: they have fought with me, and they have been vanquished, but they have arisen to become indignant and malign others with a resiliency that fills me with awe.

as i have found the hard way, the race is long, and is in fact never over. as long as there are people on this earth, there will be people who are wrong, people who stand in need of correction. ours is a battle without end, a war without hope of victory, a raging of the night that will nonetheless never go quietly.

to you, brothers and sisters in self-appointed judgment, i give my gratitude and admiration:

Steve Kellmeyer, you were the first to show me that you can always find fault with someone about something.

Randy Engel, you are a constant reminder that we are to hate both the sinner and the sin.

The Brothers Dimond, shine on!

Bob Sungenis, never forget that you are my sun: bright, warm, and not at all at the center of my universe.

honorable mention:

Dale and the gang at New Oxford Review, you’ve done better in the past, but you’re still dear to my heart, and i wish you a quick recovery.

there are, to be sure, many many more that are deserving of thanks. but it is to these few, these happy few, that i have often turned for inspiration when i’m feeling like i simply don’t have anything left to spew.

so to you few, i thank you.