Archive for troll 2

cardinal troll, pros and cons

Posted in pope michael, real catholic with tags , , on May 18, 2012 by troll ii

i received a rather interesting email from the vatican (in exile) yesterday morning. it seems that i have increased internets traffic for his holiness, pope michael i, and he wants to thank me for my service by making me (me!) a cardinal of the holy roman catholic church.

at least that’s what i think the email said. it was in latin, which i can’t actually read. here’s what it said:

Carissimi filius, Troglodytarum II,
Volumus ad vos cardinalis pro servitium Ecclesiae in dirigens internets negotiatio ad nostrum site, Bis accepimus pellentesque ut solet novae curae tamen non inde ad fidem ab eo tamen studio atque opera vestra nota nobis. Tu forsitan nobis explent Petri Pauli occupata fledgling nova ecclesiae membris nostris. Si susceperis speramus nobis tolle late iuramento fidelitatis, sicut Pater Sancte Romane Ecclesie. Matris Tickie erit quasi consuerunt beretta tibi necnon beanie Quicquid vocant Itali. Tute necesse “cappam magnam” vero. Indica utrum velis accipere velit.
Plena plenitudinem potestatis ab basis domum matris vestrae basis diaetam, solemniter Benedictionem impertimus vobis, in septimo die mensis Maii MMXII, Pontificatus Nostri vicesimo secundo.
Papa Michael I

although google translate was not of much help in deciphering this, i was able to call up my friend Turk Sorensen, who knows a little latin, and he was able to explain at least some of it. (he’s pretty sure the original was actually written in english and then translated into latin using google translate, which i guess explains why his holiness isn’t being entirely clear.)

i must confess that this appointment, while an honor, has left me feeling ambivalent.

on the one hand, i have always strived to serve the church by correcting everyone around me, and i’m not sure if that’s what i would be expected to do in this new role. frankly, i haven’t the first idea of how else i might build up the true church apart from tearing down the people who don’t meet my standards. also, i don’t know how i feel about making a special oath of fidelity and obedience to the pope, since my obedience is solely to the true faith as i understand it. i mean, what if i end up deciding that pope michael has apostatized, just like all the other anti-popes of last century, and pretty much everyone else i’ve ever met?

on the other hand, i have always loved wearing a cappa magna, and this cardinalate would give me a legitimate reason for doing so. also, it would make me a prince of the church and probably a front-runner to be the next pope (i do have SO many ideas for how i would exercise my infallible authority, after all).

my dear auntie lexie (the only family member not to have apostatized to novus ordo amchurch) has promised to make me a cappa magna just like this one if i accept!

decisions, decisions…


fake “catholic” mombies

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics" with tags , , , , , , on May 17, 2012 by troll ii

to my profound shame and embarrassment, i have found myself in recent weeks skulking about the darkest corners of the internets in the desperate hope that i might find something, anything to restore my joie d’pêcher à la traîne. for a few days there, i thought i had found what i was looking for in the absolute abyss of meaninglessness that is the world of fake “catholic” mommy blogging.

hmm, care to take a stab at which titular trait the book lacks?

i mean, there was just so much there to criticize: banal posts about children’s sleep, eating, and bowel movements; awkward pictures of people no one else cares about; callous disregard for the basic rudiments of english grammar, spelling, and syntax; sinfully vain obsessing over women’s fashion (fashion!); indecent discussions of UNnatural family planning; and an absolutely insane degree of praise for what is surely a horrible turd of a book, called “style, sex, and substance.”

as far as i can tell, every fake “catholic” woman in the english-speaking world loves this book so much that she has purchased two copies, just so she can give one to a friend and still have one left over for her superawesomeletsgossipanddrinkappletinis book group.

well, almost all of them. there’s apparently one woman that didn’t like it.

yup, just one.

everybody else in the entire world wants to marry the book.

apparently even sissy fake “catholic” men love it. like these tools.

this was just too much liberated womyn amchurch groupthink for me, and i immediately began to feel my heart rate double and then double again as pure, unadulterated self-righteousness pulsed through my entire body.

the old me was back! i was leaving horrible comments in comboxes left and right, ridiculing these ninnies for their inanity and vanity and utter inability to discern good reading (or writing for that matter), and yelling, YELLING i tell you, about how none of them were really catholic.

i sat and waited for the inevitable responses to start pouring in.

i was literally sweating with anticipation.

and then… nothing.

these women went right on with their silly comments about how sad this was, and how funny that was, and how cute this picture was, and how awesome that recipe was, and not a single one even noticed me.

at first i thought, “gadzooks, these women have willpower like none other!” i had never seen anything like it before.

and then it dawned on me. they weren’t choosing to ignore me, they were just too distracted and sleep-deprived to even process something that didn’t have a smiley face and seventeen exclamation points and pictures of smiling kids making messes.

they were zombies (zmombies? mombies?), and there was nothing. i. could. do.

three guesses as to which “style, sex, and substance” contributor this is.

i had never encountered anything like this before. in shock and utter disbelief, i quietly deleted my comments and backed away from the computer. i started pacing, and then frothing, and then raging. and with no outlet for my andger adrenaline, i ended up spending the rest of the night in the bathroom, vomiting and weeping uncontrollably.

i will never, ever go back.

time to admit it: i need help

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", pope michael, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2012 by troll ii

the other day i was on catholic answers forums, trying to muster up the will to provoke a bunch of pseduo-catholics into a dispute over the vile and degrading practice of nfp, when i noticed that an old post of mine had finally gotten a response, and a good one at that.

this response was actually so good that i didn’t know what to say in reply. it was from a young, married mother of two, and she had so completely dismantled my false-flag lambasting of real Catholic nfp critics that i was, literally, speechless. she even linked to his holiness, pope michael i.

i thought to myself, “sweet cardinal siri, this lady is the real deal!” but when i clicked on her profile i realized i was looking at a ghost account that *i* had created months ago, as part of a separate project to “raise concern” over the orthodoxy, and sexuality, of a certain apologist whose name rhymes with “schmim schmaples.”

i sat there with mouth agape, aghast that i had fallen prey to the intricate interweb of trolling deceit woven by myself. i truly was, and am, a formidable opponent.

the fact is that i’m probably in too deep. i’ve been trolling for so long, hiding behind so many fake personae, using so many different proxy servers, and ghosting so many legitimate commenters’ ip addresses, that sometimes i can’t remember what my own positions are, or even who i am. Murphy says this kind of talk just doesn’t sound like me, and maybe he’s right, but how can i know for sure?

they say that the first step toward recovery is admitting you a have a problem.

well then, non-exhaustively and in no particular order: My name is…

  1. Troll II
  2. Mark Shea’s Boyfriend     
  3. Mantilla Vs. Mothra    
  4. ModestyPolice
  5. FatiMom
  6. Christopher West’s Love Child
  7. FoxxyOrthodoxxy   
  8. TheBlackSheepDogAteMyHomework
  9. ChristendomAlum97
  10. DontQuitYourOpusDayJob
  11. Simcha’s Trousers    
  12. Ora Pro Voris
  13. Scott Hahn’s Colon    
  14. The Wandererer
  15. NFP-ness
  16. FrGrunerFanBoy
  17. Colleen Hammond’s Underoos   
  18. Ha!MedjuLook
  19. SaintStrongBad
  20. SungenisGroupie4Life   
  21. Justine Schmiesing
  22. Pro Paucis
  23. AntiDentite08
  24. FSSPFratBoy81
  25. EMichaelJonesforPresident 
  26. Fr. Fessio’s Eyebrows
  27. FrZisMyHomeboy 
  28. FlamingCharismatic04
  29. SedeVacantisaurusRex
  30. PhatimaChick99
  31. Mel Gibson Was Right
  32. Matthew Kelly   
  33. DimondBrosBeforeHoes
  34. EWTNSoldMyMomsWheelchair
  35. WeigelNeoConJob
  36. VortexSwordofTruth11 

… and i’m a trollaholic.

don’t get me wrong, i’m not apologizing. i’m simply asking that you REAL Catholics out there pray for me that i would know what to do.

7 quick takes: troll ii Q&A

Posted in blogging, fake "catholics", laughter, modesty, real catholic with tags , , , , , , , on May 11, 2012 by troll ii

oh, hello there

although this is a fairly new blog, it’s been getting a lot of attention the past week or so, especially from people who don’t quite seem to understand where i’m coming from. no one seems to want to use the comments, so instead they’ve been emailing me at realcatholicsdontlaugh [at] gmail [dot] com.

these folks must have missed the “about me” page, because mostly they ask lots of questions about who i am and what i’m doing. although i always respond to these emails individually, i figured that, due to the similarity of so many of the questions, maybe it would be best to just repost and reply to them on the blog itself. so here goes…

1) is this blog a joke? i would think that on the basis of my email address alone you should know that i am gravely opposed to levity in all its forms. don’t get me wrong, there are many other things i’m opposed to as well, but jokesters especially get the righteous anger flowing. at a time when i’m having trouble finding the will to flame, i’m still more than ready to call out yahoos like Simcha Fisher and the Curt Jester.

2) what’s so bad about laughter and jokes, and why can’t catholics take part in them? sacred tradition has been abundantly clear that jokes and laughter have no place among REAL catholics, since these are tools of the devil in lowering our guard in the fight. as pope pius xi said, “laughter not only shows that you’re a modernist, but that you’re glad to be.” moreover, recent apparitions confirm that we are probably living in the time of the tribulation, and there’s nothing funny about the tribulation.

3) you sound depressed, and actually quite unbalanced; have you ever considered counseling? i find the tone of this question to be condescending and judgmental, and while i appreciate these qualities in myself, i don’t like it when they’re directed at me. let’s just say that Murphy and i have things under control at the moment, ok?

4) do you really have a pet hamster named Murphy, or is he just made up? Murphy exists, and he is perhaps the realest thing i know. Murphy is everything that one could ask for in a pet hamster, and so much more. if anything happened to him, i simply don’t know what i’d do.

photo evidence of Murphy’s existence. what more are looking for, Aquinas’s “5 proofs”?

5) so, how’s Murphy feeling? he’s still rather ill, i’m afraid. we’ll get the results of his bloodwork sometime tomorrow. thanks for asking; i’ll be sure to keep you posted.

6) how exactly can a hamster be racistwell, that’s one of the things we’re hoping to figure out. personally, i’m inclined to think that it’s just a side-effect of whatever else is going on, but we’ll see. if we need to get him counseling, then that’s exactly what we’ll do.

7) are you Simcha Fisher, or perhaps one of the voices that lives in her head? no, though i can only hope that my cries of condemnation and judgment might remain ringing in her ears, at least until she has the decency to stop wearing pants and put on something modest for once.

ah yes, a vast improvement

you can find other, less modest “quick takes” here.

n is for neville, who died of ennui

Posted in blogging, real catholic with tags , , , , , , on May 9, 2012 by troll ii

so bored, so listless

as you’ve probably noticed, i’ve been lying low, relatively speaking, for the past few weeks or so, sticking to the blog and mostly avoiding my usual haunts on the internets, those comboxes and forums where i normally wreak my special brand of REAL catholic havoc. i guess i just haven’t felt up to it.

i don’t know if it’s a vitamin deficiency or a seasonal thing, or maybe the new meds, but i simply haven’t been finding much joy in trolling and picking fights with fake catholics. going SALSA dancing, yes; telling people how wrong they are, not so much.

how bad have things gotten, you ask? well, i’ll tell you.

just last week, mark shea pretty much came out of the closet right there in the middle of the internets [WARNING: link not for the weak of stomach or the closed of mind], and I COULDN’T EVEN BRING MYSELF TO COMMENT! confronted with a classic modernist amchurch call to approach sinners with “love” and “compassion” and “humility,” i not only didn’t take the bait, but i didn’t even feel like asserting mark’s obvious homosexuality.

six months ago i would have taken genuine pleasure in saying this is (probably) mark shea

what gives? i’ve been spreading rumors of mark shea’s deviant sexuality and beliefs since the days when he had just one chin. always with the jokes and the puns and the prayer and “balanced takes” and the “principled stands” against torture and capitalism, and the laughter, my sakes, the laughter. i hate mark shea more than mark shea hates weight watchers, and yet there i was, numb and apathetic in what should have been the hour of my greatest victory, when one of my many nemeses was unmasked as the fake “catholic” modernist huckster he is.

it just makes you wonder, where’s all the righteous anger when you really need it?

Murphy says that i probably need more sunshine, and that I should get out of the basement for a while to clear my head and get my priorities in order.

i don’t know.

thinking about it now, i guess i started this site as an alternative outlet to all my other flaming and pontificating, and i’m just hoping that having this outlet helps me get my groove back. we’ll see.


Posted in real catholic with tags , , , , , on May 8, 2012 by troll ii

pope st. pius i: it’s all greek to me

how have i never heard of this before? my friend Turk Sorensen forwarded me the link late last night, but he didn’t know anything more about it. is this for real, or is it just some sort of sick, mocking joke?

FACT: Latin is NOT the original language of the Church!

It’s a VERNACULAR language that was foisted on the Roman church by Pope Victor I (A.D. 190-202), who was an AFRICAN priest–NOT a Roman!!!

The earliest liturgies at Rome as described by St. Justin Martyr were in GREEK. But once Victor made the change in language, that OPENED THE DOOR a century later to a barrage of changes in the rite of Mass itself, from which the Roman Rite has NEVER recovered.

everyone in the comments is acting like the authors are kidding, but if this is legit, i definitely need to get in touch with these people, and pronto. based on their self-description (“we are temporarily headquartered behind the water heater in our basement”), they sound quite hard to get in touch with, but this is exactly the sort of commitment to the REAL catholic faith that i like to see.

i don’t speak greek, of course, so that could be a problem. then again, i don’t actually know latin either, and that’s never gotten in the way of my being a REAL catholic. as i’ve always said, so long as you sound the words out correctly, and perform all the actions the right way, it really doesn’t matter if you don’t understand what it all means. “ex opere operato,” the formula works automatically, am i right or am i right?

so help me out here, internets people. how can i get in touch with these guys? are they still looking for people to ordain? are they in union with pope michael? how do they feel about SALSA? what is their position on the ordination of hamsters as acolytes? (what? Murphy wants to know.)

aaahhhh! so many questions. i need answers!!!!

no, sex *isn’t* funny, so stop joking about it

Posted in fake "catholics", modesty, nfp, real catholic, sex with tags , , , , , , on May 4, 2012 by troll ii

would a real pope write about sex and the body? NO!!!!!!!

too many so-called catholics these days think that they need to be hip and cool and with it and talk about the sacred and solemn act of connubial intercourse as if it were a game of pin the tail on the donkey.

frankly i’m disgusted.

this trash from “catholic” “writer” simcha fisher is just the most recent egregious example of what i’m talking about. she also writes about nfp all the time and is perhaps most famous for defending the right of women to wear pants, even though catholic tradition (and good old fashioned common sense) clearly says otherwise. it figures.

and just the other day, i saw an ad for this absolutely revolting t-shirt on the internets.


what sort of depraved mind comes up with this stuff?

the marital act may be funny to these kinds of people, but the only one who will end up laughing in the end are the real catholics who know the truth and live it and have the guts to condemn the vile PORNOGRAPHY of jokesters like these.

as SAINT Charles Borromeo said, “laughter marks the friends of satan,” and as pope leo xiii declared, “frivolity concerning the sacred is the final step on the path of modernism.”

real catholics don’t laugh.