i received a rather interesting email from the vatican (in exile) yesterday morning. it seems that i have increased internets traffic for his holiness, pope michael i, and he wants to thank me for my service by making me (me!) a cardinal of the holy roman catholic church.
at least that’s what i think the email said. it was in latin, which i can’t actually read. here’s what it said:
Carissimi filius, Troglodytarum II,
Volumus ad vos cardinalis pro servitium Ecclesiae in dirigens internets negotiatio ad nostrum site, vaticaninexile.com. Bis accepimus pellentesque ut solet novae curae tamen non inde ad fidem ab eo tamen studio atque opera vestra nota nobis. Tu forsitan nobis explent Petri Pauli occupata fledgling nova ecclesiae membris nostris. Si susceperis speramus nobis tolle late iuramento fidelitatis, sicut Pater Sancte Romane Ecclesie. Matris Tickie erit quasi consuerunt beretta tibi necnon beanie Quicquid vocant Itali. Tute necesse “cappam magnam” vero. Indica utrum velis accipere velit.
Plena plenitudinem potestatis ab basis domum matris vestrae basis diaetam, solemniter Benedictionem impertimus vobis, in septimo die mensis Maii MMXII, Pontificatus Nostri vicesimo secundo.
Papa Michael I
although google translate was not of much help in deciphering this, i was able to call up my friend Turk Sorensen, who knows a little latin, and he was able to explain at least some of it. (he’s pretty sure the original was actually written in english and then translated into latin using google translate, which i guess explains why his holiness isn’t being entirely clear.)
i must confess that this appointment, while an honor, has left me feeling ambivalent.
on the one hand, i have always strived to serve the church by correcting everyone around me, and i’m not sure if that’s what i would be expected to do in this new role. frankly, i haven’t the first idea of how else i might build up the true church apart from tearing down the people who don’t meet my standards. also, i don’t know how i feel about making a special oath of fidelity and obedience to the pope, since my obedience is solely to the true faith as i understand it. i mean, what if i end up deciding that pope michael has apostatized, just like all the other anti-popes of last century, and pretty much everyone else i’ve ever met?
on the other hand, i have always loved wearing a cappa magna, and this cardinalate would give me a legitimate reason for doing so. also, it would make me a prince of the church and probably a front-runner to be the next pope (i do have SO many ideas for how i would exercise my infallible authority, after all).