confessions of an ex-lax catholic: rhoid rage

in the past couple weeks, i’ve received several emails from solicitous readers inquiring as to whether my new-found REALfood obsession has led to healthier, more regular bowel habits.

(as you may recall, my being right and self-righteously angry all the time has led to more or less permanent constipation, which i have yet to fully overcome. yes, it turns out correctness, orthodoxy, and rage aren’t the only things i’m full of after all. such is life as true ex-lax catholic.)

the short answer is, no, it hasn’t. which is surprising, seeing as how i’ve been on this juice-and-kale cleanse for six days now.

back in the days when all i ate was ramen and pop tarts, i always figured my bowel issues were mostly attributable to my poor diet. turns out i may have been, ahem, wrong.

to make matters worse, i seem to have, um, forced the issue the other day, thus bringing back my previously dormant straining-induced hemorrhoids in full force. seriously, it’s gotten so bad that i can’t even sit down, be it in the delivery truck, on the couch, or even at my computer.

AP file photo of how things feel right about now

ordinarily i wouldn’t post about this sort of thing, since it’s equal parts embarrassing and disgusting. however, i’ve noticed that every couple of months there tends to be a surge of bloggers writing “authentic” posts where they divulge waaay too much private information only to be celebrated for it. you know, for being “authentic” and “honest” or something.

the way i see it, the so-called “catholic” blogosphere is due for another such surge, and i’d just as well be ahead of the curve this time around. i mean, there’s got to be TONS of bloggers out there who struggle with these particular effects of being self-righteously angry and uptight all the time, right? and you’re sure to appreciate how brave and bold i’m being here, right? (N.B. please provide track-backs for all accolades, so that i’m sure to see them and thus derive comfort from them as i sit sadly in yet another epsom salt bath.)

as for me, i’m off to try something a little different…

“desperate times” and all that

is Taylor Marshall an anti-semite?

self-proclaimed theological wonderkind Ron “Burgundy” Conte certainly seems to think so:

I read a disturbing post the other day, over at Taylor Marshall’s blog…. This interpretation condemns a whole group of Jews and the Jewish faith itself…. Aside from the offensive anti-Semitism in Marshall’s interpretation, there are other serious problems.

whoa, serious claims. and from a guy who has a BA from Boston College and a mandatum from, um, Ron Conte (link).

“I’m Ron Conte?”

in reality, Taylor isn’t even close to flirting with anti-semitism.

which is too bad, if you ask me.

i hope to jot down more of my thoughts on this topic soon, but suffice it to say that i think that so-called “anti-semitism” gets a bad rap most of the time, and that not nearly enough (fake) catholics are anti-semitic enough.

i know, i know, traddie circles are supposed to be hotbeds of anti-semitism (i just came across the recent dust-up involving Dawn Eden, Rorate, et al., in my reader earlier today; more on that anon). but the sad fact is that the vast majority of people who are claim to be REAL, traditional catholics don’t take the responsibility of anti-semitism seriously at all.

there are a few folks out there who speak the truth (shout-out to my man Mel!), yet by and large even hard-core traddies are embarrassed by anti-semitism, and even repulsed by it. i know Murphy always was.

“I’m only one man. Also, no one takes me seriously.”

when you get down to it, all too often the “worst” you often encounter is a simple allergy to post vatican ii syncretism, expressed in pre-conciliar terms that especially highlight the disparity between catholics and non-catholics, which includes but isn’t limited to the jews.

and that just isn’t good enough.

“I’m Bob Sungenis. Tits McGee is on vacation.”

it takes a big man to apologize…

AP file photo of Mark Shea in happier, hairier, and seemingly less culpable times

… and  it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man, amiright?

though i’m not quite halfway through the unread news items in my reader, i did happen to notice Shea’s recent apology for being a bitter betty.

personally, i’ve always been a fan of his bitterness, and i think it’s safe to say that he’d do better apologizing for his innumerable other failings, but i suppose it’s as good a start as any.

based on the comments section, it seems as though Shea has opted not to further condemn Live Action for lying, heresy, scandal, child abuse, tax evasion, and bestiality until he’s had the chance to speak with Lila Rose, which for someone like Shea is an awfully magnanimous gesture.

lest anyone think that this is a sign of repentance or a genuine change of heart on Shea’s part, please allow to submit the following baseless conspiracy theory irrefutable evidence:

i have it on good authority that Shea was shown footage of an undercover sting operating in which a disgruntled former combox denizen was tricked into divulging details of a nefarious plot against the Great [fake] Catholic Grenache himself.

screen grab of incriminating surveillance footage in question

i also have it on good authority (though i can’t say by what authority) that Shea plans next week to re-embrace the first edition of the CCC and launch a new book in defense of lying when doing undercover work.

in the mean time, my sources say he’s keeping a fairly low profile and is under the protection of a top-secret security detail provided gratis by Deacon “The Body Guard” JR (recently returned to duty from an extended lenten retirement).

how very convenient.

past grievances aside, i do sorta hope that Shea is able to neutralize this threat and quickly return to providing his trademark simplistic take on intractably difficult moral issues. in my experience, black and white is so much easier to deal with than shades of gray, especially when it involves getting to condemn others.

you’ll probably be seeing a lot less of me…

…because i’ve lost 42 lbs. in just the past two months. for all you math nerds out there, that’s about four inches off my waistline and a full two manssiere cups smaller.

i’m especially pleased with the noticeable nipple reduction

and before you ask, the answer is no, i did not lose this weight because of SSP90X, or any  exercise program for that matter, extremely traditional or otherwise.

i’m not even dieting.

well, not really dieting. just eating food.

real food, that is.

not that fake processed crap that i used to stuff myself with.

ugh, nothing but plastic here; REAL dog poop is pure and organic

yes, in my various wanderings, i happened to stumble across something called the “paleo” diet, which sounded just about as traditional as you can get, so of course i was on board in a second.

as i’ve since discovered, paleo isn’t nearly as traditional or pure as you can get.

i’m still experimenting with the best way to stick to natural, organic food only, and i’ll be sure to keep you posted as i learn more about making sure this REALcatholic gets nothing but REALfood.

off the grid no more

the short story: i had some legal troubles with my landlord sister, was evicted, and spent the past several weeks months bouncing from friend’s couch to friend’s couch, doing odd jobs and waiting for my various accounts to be unfrozen.

the long story: it’ll have to wait. my internet connection right now is spotty at best and my time “off the grid” has left me with 742,588 unread items in my google reader. needless to say, i have some catching up to do in the news and blogosphere departments. apparently there’s a new “pope” to learn to hate.

on that front, it seems that the initially suspicious folks at rorate caeli have had some second thoughts. that’s too bad. (shoot, i could’ve told you in a second that the new guy would be in continuity with the ones that came before him.)

 yes, i hear a link from drudge does wonders for one’s stats.

“pope” resigns: the real story

my best friend, Turk Sorensen, invented this painting several weeks ago, as some sort of joke.

but now it would appear that it was actually something of a prophecy, since it was in fact announced just recently that “pope” Benedict XVI was resigning due to complications from his raging internet addiction.

while certain know-it-all “pundits” went on record saying that the pope had developed an incurable twitter dependency, i happen to know that the situation is a bit more complex than that.

while it is true that the resignation is directly linked to benedict’s recent introduction to the interwebs, it’s NOT for the “official” reasons being given. i.e., it is not social media sites that he’s hooked on, but rather traditionalist sites just like this one.

apparently, it all started when the “pope” got the bright idea of trolling some rad-trad sites, just for fun. bad idea. needless to say, it didn’t take long for him to realize that he wasn’t a real pope at all.

i started getting anonymous comments on this blog, written in a german accent, asking things like “vat should vone do if vone ist un anti-pope?” and “how does vone becomen un REALkatholik like zu, Troll zwei?”

i started sending him some books just after christmas–classics like John Vennari’s “The Permanent Instruction of the Alta Vendita,” fellow fake “pope” Michael I’s “Upon this Rock,” and “Cash” by Johnny Cash. the pope couldn’t get enough.

by the end of january, he knew that he was living a lie and couldn’t go on like this much longer. when he asked me for advice, i mentioned that Murphy had quietly retired to a monastery and was enjoying it greatly, and that perhaps he would like something like that too.

and the rest, as they say, is history.

Undated AP file photo of Pope Benedict XVI standing next to President Barack Obama.

pope benedict, baby-eater

perhaps he’s slipping because of old age, or maybe it’s just that he doesn’t give a crap anymore, but on his last full day as the obviously unlawful occupier of the chair of Peter, “Pope” Benedict XVI has revealed to the world what had previously been his shameful and abhorrent secret: he eats live babies.

it started out innocently enough…

and then the unthinkable happened…

well, unthinkable to you maybe. i’ve always said that novus ordo types can’t be trusted to not eat their young.

full horrific story here.

what’s all the fuss about?

ooh, so now it’s big news that there’s no pope.

whatever, i’ve been saying that for, like, forever.

fake “pope” Michael I is similarly unimpressed.

“I’m all like, ‘as if,’ like, totally, you know?”

feeling the love

“what do you say we go below deck and read some ‘theology of the body’ to each other?”

since the bitter defeat of two weeks ago, i’ve been feeling pretty low. and what with Murphy being gone, i have no one to put my head on straight when i get all bent out of shape. hence the constant tears and crippling depression.

but then i thought to myself just last night, “sometimes i get flattering remarks in my combox spam filter, and that would be a great pick-me-up.” sure enough, reader Szoc2573 writes:

May I just say what a relief is to discovering someone that genuinely understands what they talking about on teh internet. You actually realize how to brings an issue to light and make it impotent. More people had to read this and understanding this side of the story! It’s surprising you aren’t being more popular because you certainly possessed the gift.

surprising indeed. if only i were more appreciated. as i am by reader claudinha_doidinha, who writes:

keep sharing such ideas in the future as well. this was actually what i was looked for, and i am being glad to come here!

and finally, there is this from reader Townsend:

artikelnya sangat informatif sekali..terimaksih banyak

which apparently is idonesian for “you know yes where you can buy cheap viagra!”

thank you, dear readers. thank you.

my heart will go on.

greatest blogger alive – UPDATED

no, please, hold your applause, i have so much more to say

while Mark Shea is busy wringing his hands over cults of celebrity and how to avoid them (as if he really needs to worry about that), i am pleased to announce that my own cult of celebrity is steadily waxing.

and i don’t mean the bad kind

yup, not only am i currently in negotiations to be the newest a-list blogger at “Patheos,” but i’ve also received numerous nominations for the “Sheenazing Blogger Awards,” which are, um, uh, well i don’t know what exactly they are. but i wants them. i wants them all.

“Hey how come Mark Shea didn’t get any nominations? Sorry, stupid question.”

although i feel pretty confident that i’m a lock to win every category, i do want to encourage all of my many loyal readers to support my candidacy, voting both early and often.

together we can show these fools what REALcatholic™ winning really looks like.

UPDATE

well, it turns out that i didn’t win anything at all. in all three of the stupid “sheenazing” categories for which i was nominated, i lost out to folks whose subscriber numbers are in the thousands. i don’t mean to whine and moan and be a sore loser, but THIS IS AN INJUSTICE!!!

and, to add insult to injury, the winner of “best blog by a catholic man” was none other than bad catholic, who is barely even pubescent. as if that makes any sense at all.

in her mass email to all the “losers” of the awards, awards host Bonnie thanked us for participating and encouraged us to try to get more readers, “because otherwise there’s just no way you’re ever going to be able to compete against the juggernauts of Simcha Fisher, Jen Fulwiler, Bad Catholic, and Like Mother Like Daughter. And the competition will only get fiercer: next year I’m planning to add Fr. Z and @pontifex, and maybe even Facebook, Wikipedia, and Google, which aren’t really blogs, but are still very popular. More popular than you’ll ever be anyway.”

well played Bonnie, well played.

and now there’s nothing left for me to do but go sit in a dark corner and cry burning tears of shame, self-loathing, and resentment.

“Looking for tears? Let me take a stab at it.”